College Discussion - View Single Post

starbright · 02-23-2008, 05:09 PM

Wow, this is just so sad and incomprehensibly hard to imagine this road you are walking. I've been thinking about you and your family and daughter all day long.

One thing I wanted to add is that during the very dark and confusing episodes of grief and loss I've experienced, I found it very useful to not operate as I usually do; that is, to not operate with a "master plan". I think so many of us (and I imagine your daughter might be this way too), are so used to being able to think far ahead with plans, implement and stick to them. As if there is one long straight road and you just have to get on it and go.

And what I learned over time is there are times when life calls for a VERY different approach, one that requires working with a tiny time horizon. When I realized this- that I really only had to worry about THIS week, or THIS month, it really was liberating. This is because every day brings something different, both events, and feelings, and you learn as you go how best to cope.

So I guess what I'm saying is can you find a way to liberate you both by embracing a see-how-it-goes approach? You talked a lot and decided to try school. From what you write, however, it now sounds like that route may not be working *right now* for her. So maybe now would be a time to try coming home, and wear that on for size for awhile, to see if its better. By that I mean what she wants and thinks is best for her, not what others want or expect from her- it is uniquely her grief and experience and she needs to be where she wants to be).

It may be the case that it's not 'either/or' ; there is no right way to go, or certainly not one right way for the whole path through. What feels right this week or month may not be right the next. Especially when we have so little experience with such tragedy and complex feelings.

I understand it is so hard to 'play it by ear' with the constraints of a school semester and being a continent away, but some examples might to try to come home for the remainder of this term, and see if that works better for her. Or drop some classes to give herself space to cope. Or say she'll finish this term and then try a term at home. Or some other creative variation.

My only real point is keeping as short a time horizon as is humanly possible and *give oneself permission to change one's mind*, and change it again and again, as one's self-needs arise.

02-23-2008, 05:09 PM	#23
starbright Junior Member Join Date: Jan 2008 Threads: 13 Posts: 173	Wow, this is just so sad and incomprehensibly hard to imagine this road you are walking. I've been thinking about you and your family and daughter all day long. One thing I wanted to add is that during the very dark and confusing episodes of grief and loss I've experienced, I found it very useful to not operate as I usually do; that is, to not operate with a "master plan". I think so many of us (and I imagine your daughter might be this way too), are so used to being able to think far ahead with plans, implement and stick to them. As if there is one long straight road and you just have to get on it and go. And what I learned over time is there are times when life calls for a VERY different approach, one that requires working with a tiny time horizon. When I realized this- that I really only had to worry about THIS week, or THIS month, it really was liberating. This is because every day brings something different, both events, and feelings, and you learn as you go how best to cope. So I guess what I'm saying is can you find a way to liberate you both by embracing a see-how-it-goes approach? You talked a lot and decided to try school. From what you write, however, it now sounds like that route may not be working right now for her. So maybe now would be a time to try coming home, and wear that on for size for awhile, to see if its better. By that I mean what she wants and thinks is best for her, not what others want or expect from her- it is uniquely her grief and experience and she needs to be where she wants to be). It may be the case that it's not 'either/or' ; there is no right way to go, or certainly not one right way for the whole path through. What feels right this week or month may not be right the next. Especially when we have so little experience with such tragedy and complex feelings. I understand it is so hard to 'play it by ear' with the constraints of a school semester and being a continent away, but some examples might to try to come home for the remainder of this term, and see if that works better for her. Or drop some classes to give herself space to cope. Or say she'll finish this term and then try a term at home. Or some other creative variation. My only real point is keeping as short a time horizon as is humanly possible and give oneself permission to change one's mind, and change it again and again, as one's self-needs arise.