| One example: You said you enjoy learning. Where's your proof?
Second example: Deep passion? Really? Why? Saying that alone sounds like you only sucking up to the school.
Third Example: Environment?
Fourth Example: You said the University challenges its students. Really? How? Don't all universities do that?
Fifth example: You always a thinker and person of knowledge. No proof. Even worse is that sounds like a lie and somewhat bragging. Always back it up with a specific examples.
Sixth example: made aware by their recruiter about great academic support? All colleges have recruiters to advertise their school and say they do. If they know they do, you do not have to say.
7th example: Do not talk about others having higher grades. That does not matter. What matters is you have your sense of confidence and your personal interests! By saying that, you sound like you do not deserve to be taught by their professors.
Remember, do not panic. You sound like you are in the letter. When you write this letter, ask yourself what can University X do for me? What can I do for them? If you list examples, be sure to make them straightforward and not wordy. Try thinking of college as a hot looking girl. What can you do to get her to accept you?
These are my opinions. Remember I am not an admissions officer so I do not know how they think. But I seriously think this letter would lower your chances. Try rewriting it. Research online: Try Googling: College Essays Or College Personal Statements. |