| I thought it was pretty good overall. When's this essay due? If you have the time, I would hide it for 3 days, and not think about it. Then dig it back up, and edit it. I noticed a few loose phrases and a couple superflous wordings. I think you can tighten this up some.
Also, if you emphasize creativity as your strength so much, I think you can definitely be more creative with this essay. If you don't have much time, then try adding/replacing with vivid, imagery details. This will pop a bit more in a reader's mind.
However, if you do have some time left, try to think of a way to look at this thing from a different angle. You could try a fanciful recollection of all of these events, for example. Here's what I would write as an intro (and sorry if I'm sounding pretentious, you definitely don't have to listen to me! I'm just trying to give ideas to spark your own imagination)
When I was but a wee lad, hiking through the mountains of my imagination, I stumbled upon a book. Delightfully curious, I decided to take a look. And what was this, something right up my nook! A fantasy written by one only 13 summers old, yet so wonderfully written and told. "Aha," I thought, "I could do better! I am a smith of the letter."
And I totally understand if you think that this is a silly intro, but I think something a titch creative like this would catch a readers eye. I'm certain you can do it, as long as you have the time! |