| In some respects I agree with Annika, but not for the reasons that Annika stated. Here is how i felt about the essay when I read it.
Item 1: First of all this is an essay that does catch you. I felt engrossed in the story as I read it, at least until the end. Which leads me to item 2.
Item 2: I felt like your summation of the event was bland and not as thoughful as it could have been.
"I feel relieved that I was there instead of someone like my best friend. Uncontrolled lust is a detrimental, albeit common vice. I do not possess this characteristic. I have my whole life ahead of me, so why should I rush it? I may not be experiencing the pleasures that many teenagers today are having but then again, a ripe aged wine is always better than a soft drink."
Upon second glance, I also noticed that the admissions officer reading this could have been under this "vice." He could have viewed this as extremely pretentious, and possibly even insulted.
Item 3: I feel like you got too enraptured in telling the story, and not enough in telling the admissions officer how you changed. It isn't exactly clear how you were affected and it could have just seemd like "I had strong morals, I was tested, I still have strong morals. Accept me into XYZ university."
Overall I felt like it was a good essay, just not one that is life changing for an admissions officer, or one that will get you into harvard with a 2.0 gpa.
It wasn't hemmingway, more like...thoreau. |