Mudder's_Mudder

Way to go, somemom! At least you haven't lost your sense of humor.

Been there, done that with both parents and an in-law. Going through it now again with the other in-law. Some days, the financial, emotional, medical, and legal issues can be overwhelming. Siblings can be a big help; sometimes not.

Experience has taught me to agree with this viewpoint wholeheartedly. I'd even go a step further. When parents are no longer able to carry out independently their activities of daily living (and I'd add things like driving safely, opening mail regularly, keeping up with all necessary paperwork like insurance renewals and medical claims forms, taking medication as prescribed, etc.), they are no longer capable of living independently. Unfortunately, by the time they reach that point, oftentimes they're already not making good decisions. If they haven't thought long and hard about these decisions beforehand and made a viable plan and shared it with their children, it falls on the children to make the decisions. You do the best you can for them, with love, and still there's guilt.

I was luckier than some. My parents' affairs were in order and relatively easy to take over. They were very cooperative. I have siblings, and we were all supportive of each other and the parents. Though none of us lived nearby, we all had relatively flexible schedules and could cover what was needed. Eventually we moved both parents closer to two of us and were able to find facilities that gave excellent care. Still it was very hard for all of us. My H's not so lucky, and it's been a very difficult transition. Fortunately, our kids are both grown and on their own now, which wasn't the case with my parents.

I decided to post on this thread only to say this to those of you going through it: Do the best you can, as best you are able without sacrificing your own family, and don't beat yourself up too much. I know that sounds easy enough to say, but you will get a second chance: You have children of your own. As you plan for retirement, keep your affairs as simple and straightforward as possible; and make sure your kids know where everything is and what you want. Keep your legal documents up-to-date (wills, trust documents, durable powers of attorney, living wills, healthcare surrogacies, etc.), review them every few years, and give your kids copies. Downsize when it's appropriate (do you really want your kids to have to sell your house and dismantle a lifetime's worth of possessions when they're grieving, and possibly still working and supporting their own families?), and pick out a place you like with a higher level of care available for when you need it. Move closer to your kids if that's an option.

For those of you whose parents are not yet infirm, it might not hurt to try to open a discussion with them about some of these issues if you haven't already.