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Old 06-22-2009, 05:13 PM   #8
silversaline
Junior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 52
I agree with what others have said. You have something important to say, and what you wrote is powerful. But it's inappropriate for a college admissions essay. Swearing is off limits, as is talk about masturbation. And the earlier commenter who mentioned that you come off as antisocial is right. It's understandable, in light of your experience. But it's not what you want to show the adcom. Also, everyone is right in saying that this is WAY too long.

It's a great topic for an essay. But though what you wrote may be your honest experience, it would be better to show how what you've been through with your dad and his health problems has shaped you. If you're going to write about something this personal (a brave choice, and I commend you for doing it), you need to make sure that it doesn't come across as "feel bad for me," but as "look at who I am because of this, look at who I've become." Your essay is a little unfocused, right now. Try to write something shorter, something more polished and less gritty, and best of luck with your college applications. For what it's worth, I'm really sorry about your dad.
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