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2/3
Besides the fact that its not historically accurate (at all) or logical, you have rough transitions and grammatical errors.
I think your closing paragraph is better suited as your intro. Maybe add a few specific details and you should be set.
If this is an SAT essay, I'd recommend you either brush up on your history or use different examples. On an ACT essay its not such a big deal if your historical evidence isn't really evidence.
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