calmom

One more comment - SBMom wrote:
I think that one thing that gets overlooked sometimes in looking at how to treat ADD from a behavioral standpoint is how to change the family dynamics, including parental behavior as well as the kid's behavior. Of course you feel frustrated, but if your response is to yell and be stressed - then part of the problem is the way you respond to your kid. I'm not saying it's your fault - I'm saying that it contributes to a behavioral cycle that ends up making things worse for everyone -- your kid's ADD means he loses focus and is particularly likely to mess up when under stress; the reaction at home (yelling, stressed out parents) increases his feelings of frustration and stress - and things get worse and worse instead of better for everyone.

So parents in your situation should also get help in terms of learning better communication and parenting skills -- actually, I think any parent of a 13 year old could use this kind of help, because at least for me, age 13 was the toughest time for dealing with either of my kids. It is also very important to learn good stress relief, relaxation and stress management techniques --for both parent and child. I can't tell you how much of a difference it makes when the parent has a sense of being calm and grounded - rather than angry and frustrated -- not just for the way you feel as a parent, but in the way the overall mood of household members is influenced.

Please don't take this the wrong way -- I am NOT trying to castigate you in any way. I've yelled at my kids too when I'm upset -- we all do -- but I also knew that my yelling was a sign that I needed help with coping. A kid with ADD may very well need meds, but meds are the solution to parent-yelling.

Also - again, don't take this wrong - but you said that you see yourself as very organized and have a hard time understanding your son's lack of organization. Keep in mind that as an orderly person, you are probably subjectively more easily upset by disorder and may be overly harsh on your son, and you may also be inadvertantly contributing to your son's lack of organizational skills by being overly critical or taking control away from him, which can be very de-motivating.

I am a very DISorgainized person, raised by a mother who was compulsively neat -- and I really think that's part of my problem. But I am also the kind of person who can put my hands on an important paper in a moment if I've left it lying in a disorganized pile on my desk... but if I make the mistake of putting the same paper in a folder in a file cabinet ... I'll never be able to find it. It comes from having a visual memory - I find things by mentally visualizing where I last saw them. The absolute worst is if someone else files something - or puts it away for me -- then I have no memory whatsoever of where I put the thing (since I clearly "see" it where I left it, lying out in the middle of the livingroom floor next to my shoes and the magazine I was reading)... and I'm lost. To an orderly person, it looks like I'm disorganized -- and in my mind, it's like I'm being constantly sabatoged by a house elf who sneaks up behind me and hides all my important stuff.

So again - family dynamic is important. One way to help an ADD kid is to make the home life more ADD-friendly, and the first step is understanding and improved communication.