Calcruzer

I suggest the following:

1. Start with your parents’ wishes. Choose only schools that offer the majors they want you to specialize in, then make sure that there are few other majors to choose from—that way you won’t end up taking classes that might tempt you to switch to a major you consider “fun” or for which you have a “passion”.

2. Ask your neighbors what they think are the most “prestigious” schools and be sure to apply to all of them. That way, if you somehow manage to get into one of them you are sure to make the neighbors envious.

3. Check out where your friends are going to school. If the school matches them, obviously it will definitely match you. After all, if your best friend is going to major in dance and if the school has a good dance program, it will probably have a pretty good microbiology program also.

4. Don’t bother with a “safety school”. Nobody wants to go to one of those anyway—and let’s be honest—that’s what community colleges are for.

5. Pick a school with the really important things that an educational institution provides. Things like a good football program, a great fraternity and sorority system, and lots of political protests and on-campus concerts will help you forget about the lack of academic or career counseling, honors programs, or student-run programs like TV, radio, musicals, plays, debate competitions, research opportunities, or internship recruiting. These last things are for the nerds that care about the real world—and let’s be blunt, you’re going to be away from home for the first time in your life—so playing video games or watching MTV are the most intellectual things you’ll be doing for the next four years.

6. Don’t pick a school where you have to fill out those stupid financial-aid forms. They are so confusing, and you have better things to do with your time, don’t you. Besides, you know that the schools will love you so much and you’ll love it so much that the cost to attend will not even be a factor in your decision.

7. Don’t bother visiting any of your colleges once you are accepted. That will only confuse you and make you have “buyer’s remorse”. Just pick the one that is farthest away to attend. You know you will adapt to the school you choose no matter what it is like.

8. If you somehow fail to get into any of your colleges by getting an acceptance letter from them, just sneak into the dorms through an open door or window the following fall semester. After about six months, people will feel sorry for you and let you go to the school anyway—and if they don’t, you can sell the movie rights to a Hollywood studio—once you get out of jail, of course.

9. Don’t choose a school in an area where you would be interested in working once you graduate. You will have years to live in or near that area and you know you’d rather spend all your time in a different part of the country now, rather than find out if you actually like that other area. Besides, recruiters for the companies that interest you don’t mind traveling across the country to you to do the interview—after all, how many qualified candidates can there be where they are at?

10. The last—and most important point to follow is: don’t choose a school where you think you might actually learn something or meet new people. Those qualities are greatly overrated—and everyone knows that “networking” is worthless once you leave college and enter the real world.