From just reading your essay (and not the suggestions or grades of other posters that followed), I would probably give you a 3/6.
Your essays sound quite a bit like mine did when I started out. You're a decent writer, but what is holding you down to a mediocre essay score is the fact that
you are not really answering the question. Your problem is not a few small grammatical errors and awkwardness of word choice - all 25 minute essays, including the 12s, will include a few spots of awkwardness.
The question is - do we resent in others the faults we ourselves possess? Your thesis is that we are repulsed by the people who share our flaws, because we do not wish to be reminded of the weaknesses and defects of our character. That's a good start. Your first paragraph should be at least one sentence longer. Try to keep your intro paragraph above 3 sentences in length.
It's in your next paragraph where you start having some trouble. You spend so much time describing peoples' reactions to Mr. Hyde. I honestly think that
Quote:
|
They are unable to even look straight at his face, and feel disgusted of his very sight. Those who meet him described him to severely deformed, but they are unable to identify what exactly is the type of his deformity. While everyone who meets him agree that his very countenance stirs hatred within them, they are unable to clearly give the reason why such feelings are aroused within them.
|
Those three sentences should be deleted from your essay entirely (not just altered or shortened, I mean deleted). You're going in circles trying to say that people can't even bear to look at Mr. Hyde, yet can't pinpoint why, either. First of all, that fact is unrelevant to your thesis. All you want to establish is that people are repulsed by Mr. Hyde (thus fulfilling the 1st part of your thesis). You don't need to explore the repulsion further. Your purpose is to explain why the second part of your thesis (they are repulsed because they are ashamed to be reminded of their own flaws).
Your third paragraph - again, you need to control your writing and get to the point. What you're trying to say is that "People are unwilling to face Mr. Hyde because they are unwilling to accept the darkness in their own souls, and therefore reject it when they see it in another being, specifically Mr. Hyde." That's it - use that exact sentence, because it's to the point. What you also want to do is to add details. Devote one sentence to describing how one or a few characters possess Character Flaw X and how a certain Event Y shows that they are repulsed by Mr. Hyde, whose moral depravity includes the same Character Flaw X.
Your second and third paragraph need to be combined, and about 80% of what you have written in them needs to be cut out. You need at least one more example/supporting paragraph.
The conclusion is supposed to restate your thesis in a new way, and then extend upon the thesis to make a wider generalization or conclusion. Your conclusion goes in circles again, the same circles you went through with Jekyll/Hyde, the same circles you began in your first paragraph
What's most important for you to remember is that every single sentence in an SAT essay needs to contribute NEW information that DIRECTLY supports your thesis. Look at this essay again, go through each of the sentences and ask yourself whether they are directly relevant to the thesis.
I agree with iin77 in that your writing gets a bit convulted and wordy, but I think that that problem pales in comparison to your tendency to equivocate and waste space repeating assertions you've already made. Like I said, I used to write a bit like this when I started trying SAT essays, but once somebody told me how important it was to always keep my thesis in the back of my mind as I wrote, I managed to get to 12 level on the test this year. So you can do it too
Good luck!