I'm going to edit my commonapp essay for American University, and I wanted to know if anyone had advice on what to change so that the essay would be particularly effective to the admissions.
The person I am today has been influenced by my life and experiences in Europe. French Romanticist author Alphonse de Lamartine says ''There is no man more complete than one who has traveled a lot, who has changed twenty times the shape of his thoughts and his life'', and I can relate to this so much. I was born to a Palestinian father and an American mother; their culture grandly influenced me in becoming who I am. I was born in Athens, Greece, and after a few years in California and Saudi Arabia, my mother and I moved to Southern France. I earned a French education and became fluent in the French language. France became my ''homeland'', and my favorite place. The culture, literature, architecture, art, landscape and all else encompassed in the country, fascinates me. I traveled a lot throughout Europe, which enriched me in several ways. I discovered new cultures and people living in dramatically different circumstances. I discovered the various beauties of the world and how inspiring it is. I felt alive when I set foot on new territories: France, Germany, Austria, Slovenia, Croatia, Italy, Scotland, Saudi Arabia, Israel, they all amazed me. I fell in love with traveling and the pursuit of knowledge. These experiences had significant influence on my life. I wanted to be a cultivated person in order to make a difference in the future. In The Chosen, Chaim Potok writes ''a man must fill his life with meaning, meaning is not automatically given to life'', and a life with meaning is what I desired to acquire. I focused on experiencing new things: trips to Paris, driving through Europe, participating in student protests for education reform, learning to play the piano, etc. Through this I felt I was mentally preparing myself for the future. I educated my spirit through the readings of European authors such as Sartre, Kant, Zola, Rousseau, Montesquieu, and Voltaire. They inspired me and influenced my vision of society, people, politics, and the world. My experiences in Europe made me view life in a philosophical way, seeing matters of the heart, mind, and soul. As Thomas Wolfe said, ''we are the sum of all the moments of our lives; all that is ours is in them: we cannot escape or conceal it"; the moments of my life spent in Europe entirely shaped me and couldn't have been more beneficial to my mind. We're all forced to make choices; I believe each bad one will eventually lead us to good ones. That belief has helped me maintain an optimist’s view. We must believe in our dreams and in ourselves. Most importantly we must live with the choices we make, and grow from them. My cultural background, educational experience, and my being bilingual, in addition to my international travels and experiences are significant assets that will help me bring diversity, maturity, and passion to my college career and help me towards success.
Nina, your essay "tells" but it does not "show." You have lists of countries and philosphers because I think you want to exhibit your sophistication...but you don't illustrate how these influences reflect you in the life that you live or the person that you are. Your essay needs more of "you" in it. You want the school to be excited about YOU and not a laundry list.
For example, can you pick some personal habit or ritual and how it played out in your various homes? Find some thread in your life or personality or personal philosophy and use it to give some cohesion to your essay while showing what an interesting student your are/
I agree with boysx3's comments and also would suggest that you break your essay into paragraphs, each with a separate idea. In addition, relying on three quotations seems excessive--makes it seem that you are primarily concerned with demonstrating your ability to find relevant quotations.
I made dramatic changes to it, removed all the quotes, and tried to be more detailed, here is what I have now, any opinions? Thank you for the advice guys!
I was born to a Palestinian father and an American mother; their culture greatly influenced me in becoming who I am. I was born in Athens, Greece, and after a few years in California and Saudi Arabia, my mother and I moved to Southern France. I earned a French education and became fluent in the French language. After moving in between 3 continents, I have come to regard France as my homeland, yet I desire to attend college in the United States. I wish to experience the American culture and education which is my mother's, as I have never been able to before. Growing up in Europe affected me in several ways. I discovered new cultures and people living in circumstances dramatically different from my own. Homeless teenagers in the streets of Paris, war veterans from Germany, Romanians having fled their country to live in Austria, the people I met amazed me through the stories they had to tell. I also discovered the various beauties of the world and how inspiring it is. The world is so vast and filled with so many opportunities I wish to seize; I can go anywhere and be anything I want. I could go to Ethiopia, Somalia, Haiti, to help those in need, and make a true difference. I felt alive when I set foot on new territories: Germany, Austria, Slovenia, Croatia, Italy, Scotland, Israel; they all affected me. It's one thing to study about the history of a country and its people, but to actually see and feel their history is so incredibly inspiring. Through its customs and beliefs, France inspired me to become a cultivated person, one involved in one's society, in order to make a difference in the future. I was a part of the student protests for educational and political change in our country. We were active citizens who followed the decisions being made for our country, and if we disagreed we would fight for what we believed in. Thousands of us would group in the streets of Avignon, with signs, posters, pamphlets, anything defending our cause; we would spend the day debating about a particular political, social, or economic issue, and the next day we would be in the paper. We made a difference, and I truly felt like my life had a purpose when I participated in those protests. Most importantly France gave me the political interest, philosophical mind, educational motivation, and thirst for being the change in the world, that are a part of me today. My cultural background, educational experience, and my being bilingual, in addition to my international travels and experiences are significant assets that will help me bring diversity, maturity, and passion to my college career and help me towards success in being a meaningful part of this world.
Nina, this effort is better, but it's still too general. I still don't know anything about you other than your itinerary. Like, what were you protesting in the student demonstrations?and why? were there any vignettes you could share?
Well there is a word limit, if I get into detail of the reasons of each protest, that might be too complicated to explain. Paragraph, yes, I will do that.
The people of France are avidly engaged in the politics of their country, they will fight for what is right in collective groups, yearning for change, sometimes feeling the need for a revolution. These people engage in protests, and there is nothing quite like a french protest. Through its customs and beliefs, France has inspired me to become a cultivated person, one involved in one's society, in order to make a difference in the future. I was a part of the student protests for educational and political change in our country. We were active citizens who followed the decisions being made for our country, and if we disagreed we would fight for what we believed in. Thousands of us would group in the streets of Avignon, with signs, posters, pamphlets, anything defending our cause; we would spend the day debating about a particular political, social, or economic issue, and the next day we would be in the paper. The issues were vast; reforms to pass that would virtually remove all arts, music, and sports from school curriculum, budget cuts where not needed, dramatic changes in retirement, salary issues, corruption in the system, and the list goes on.
Most political protests were planned by syndicates, but the educational protests were planned by the students. We would have groups of students blocking the entries of all the high schools of our regions, while the others spent their day in the streets of Avignon, chanting, yelling, voicing their opinions. There would be music, and we would walk all along the “Rue de la République'', finishing in front of the Palace of the Popes, where we would have our final speeches and chants. It was such an incredible feeling, being around such large groups of teenagers who actually cared about what was going on in their society. The political protests were only different in that they involved mostly adults, and political parties. Every french political party wishing to protest would have a group, their own party flag, their pamphlets, and daily program. The reason these protests were always so important to us, is that they actually did have an affect on the decisions being made in our country. Our voice truly did matter, we could fight for a better France.
We made a difference, and I genuinely felt like my life had a purpose when I participated in those protests. France gave me this political interest, along with a philosophical mind, educational motivation, and thirst for being the change in the world. My cultural background, educational experience, dedicated and motivated personality, are significant assets that will help me bring diversity, maturity, and passion to my college career and help me towards success in being a meaningful part of this world.
