Parents of the HS Class of 2011 - We're awesome!

[yalemom15]

^ Indeed Pepper!

I can't believe we are talking about majors already!!! Wasn't it yesterday we were talking about Freshman orientation?! One more semester and our kids will be halfway through college... wow!!

We have both boys coming in for Thanksgiving. This quarter has been tough for S1 who is a senior and taking graduate classes to complete his BS/MS. I think he's going to sleep the whole time he's here, poor guy. S2 (sophomore) just finished his application to the major program he wants, fingers crossed that he gets it!

I second the Botswana enthusiasm, sounds so exciting!!

[kinderny]

Sorry Pepper that your S is struggling to find the right coop situation. It is so hard when we can't fix it for them.

I am finding my D more enthusiastic about classes and schedule for next Spring since she expanded her concentration (what Hampshire calls majors) to be bigger than Animal Science and Behavior with an Ag minor. Now she is approaching it as a Sustainable Agriculture concentration with a specialization in Animal Behavior/Science. This broadens her major related classes to include all kinds of Ag, Ecology, Plant and Soil Science, Animal Science/Behavior, and also food related classes.

[seattle_mom]

Thank you Pepper! It is both good and bad to hear of other parents struggling with the same issues. I don't wish it on anyone but it is nice to have someone to relate to. It can be frustrating (in fact it is right this minute!) but not every kid is ready to leave the nest at 18. Some are later, some are earlier. That tightrope between enabling and supporting is tough to walk.

As I recall, courses junior and senior year were more fun and interesting after my prerequisite courses were done. Hopefully that time is around the corner for the kids who are choosing their majors now.

[Pepper03]

seattle_mom I am coming to understand what my friends with older children were telling me years ago when I was complaining about diapers or lack of sleep or whatever it was that day! Little children little problems-big children big problems! They knew what was ahead-but hey this isn't a job for the weak of heart!

When people look back on their lives they often will mention not their great victories but their most painful "failures". I am a huge football fan and as a NE Patriots fan I have enjoyed watching Tom Brady these last many years. He is the picture of a huge success-Super Bowl Champion, MVP, one of the greatest to ever play the game-he has been about as successful a football player as anyone who has ever played. When he was interviewed a couple of years ago and he was reflecting on his life and career it wasn't the successes that drove him the most-he told the story again of how on draft night he went all the way to the 6th round-the 199th pick of the draft-and how it was devastating to sit there and watch all these other players drafted before him. He finished the story by not even really being able to talk-he was so overcome still all those years later by the feeling of utter defeat. But he was able to take those feelings and not dwell on them and let them take his down-he was able to trust in himself and use those feelings as a motivator-the "I'll show them" attitude!". That is what I want my son and I think we want all our children to learn-that no matter what happens to you in life if you have the right frame of mind to accept it and keep going no matter what you are going to be OK!

I was told this by a good friend the other day-"You cannot trip over your children's rocks for them". They have a rocky path they need to walk just as we all do-and as hard as it is there are just times in their lives where we see it coming and have to watch as they trip over the rock in their path and do a faceplant! It is painful to watch but that is when they will grow the most-but watching them doing it is brutal. Now a boulder-like an emotional issue or a medical issue or something like that-well I am going to help them with a boulder-but a rock-I guess they have to keep tripping over them until they learn how to walk around them-or better yet over them!

[EmmyBet]

That is beautiful, Pepper. I know your kids will get there, with such a wise and caring mom.

It is a wonderful moment when you see kids who tend to fight with the rocks learn just to accept that they are there and keep on moving. I am seeing this in my D2. seattle_mom, I wondered if we'd have to bring her home last year, and I feel for you and your D very deeply. I am glad your D has learned so much about herself and is moving forward. My D is learning how every year, every season - really every day - can bring new things and a fresh start. And she's learning not to compare her experience so much with others'.

While there have been lots of natural frustrations and disappointments, D is seeing now in her second year how to take her life into her own hands. She loves her BFA, but is also grateful she has the liberal arts opportunities, and is planning a minor in Anthropology, along with staying in the Honors College. She has been fortunate to have some terrific experiences in the arts, too. We are not surprise she plans to stay near school this summer, to take classes, work, do an internship, etc. Where we live has way fewer options, and really her friends now are near school.

My favorite response when they believe they are totally stuck is to remind them of times they did figure things out, and to tell them they have the ability to move forward again. No matter where they've been or what they've done, the past couple of years has taught these "kids" a lot, and they can use the knowledge and skills to great advantage. I think a lot of kids learn in these years the value of personal relationships - whether it's because of the intensity of college friendships or the experience of leaving home. It's nice to see their perspectives broaden.

[Gibson1514]

Pepper- I love your posts!

Coming late to this thread I don't post that often, much more active on the HS 2015 thread. D1 coming home tomorrow night for the Thanksgiving break. She has a full week off. I got the 'Mum, how do I ..........." call this morning. This time it was what she should do to clean/prepare before she leaves her apartment for the week. I told her to think back to when we go on vacation and all the things she rolled her eyes at me doing frantically before we headed out the door.

Even though she is only 90 mins away, I am so excited to see her. Taking today to clean the house and get her fav foods in. Looking forward to just having time with her, watching movies, shopping and so on.

She has declared as a BS Math / BA Econ major. Seems happy and coping well. The plan is to try and complete a masters at the same time. We'll see. She may have to do an extra semester, but that's ok. She has just booked to attend a conference in Salt Lake City in Jan. 2 days then a day skiing. I am glad that she is scheduling" fun " time. I try to remind her to take her time and enjoy. There is no rush to " get out in the real world"
She is just 19.

Hugs to those facing problems. I love the rock analogies.

[momjr]

Pepper, I love the rock analogy also! I'll have to remember that the next time one of my D's hits a bump in the road. As a mother, it's tough to sit back and watch our kids struggle, but we can't fix everything for them.

Seattlemom, I'm sorry to hear about your D's struggles, but glad to hear that things are working out. I'm sure that your support has meant a lot to her. I do think that even as we let our kids "trip over their own rocks," they know that we are there holding a safety net.

Kinder and Gibson, it's great to hear about your D's enthusiasm for their majors. I agree that there's no rush to get out in the real world. My D1 is out there, working at her first job. Things are going well, but she does miss the fun of college. She's shocked at how little free time she has during the week.

[mathmomvt]

Seattle_mom, Pepper et al., do you think there is anything we can do to help prepare a child with anxiety issues to succeed on his own in college? I worry about my S2. At this point he wants to go away to college straight out of HS, but I don't know if he'll really be able to handle it (and indeed at the same time he worries about it too!)

[arisamp]

Pepper - love your post. Yes, we cannot stumble on their rocks and while we could hold their hand or guide them past some of the boulders, it's probably the best to let them stumble a bit and find their way. So hard to watch from the sidelines, very frustrating at times. But I think this will help them in the long run. Have had to send many "I know you can do it" texts to D this past semester when she ran into issues.

Sorry to hear that some of the sophomore kids are having issues -whether it be academic, social life, career choices or otherwise. Just being there for them, being supportive, listening - this too shall pass.

[seattle_mom]

Wise words! Sometimes I have to laugh when I reflect that my reward for successfully launching this bunch is going to be middle age and obsolescence. The trick is not to slow down and think about it too much!

mathmomvt, we (DH, DD, and I) did have concerns about her anxiety issues before college. We talked about taking time off, but were reluctant to do it for several reasons. One was that she had a strong drive to get out into the world. Even though the anxiety gets in the way, the desire for independence is still there. Another was that we couldn't imagine what she would do in that time that would make her more prepared the following year. I brought it up with her therapist and psychiatrist and both were dismissive (wrongly, in retrospect) of my concerns. Turns out she regularly wasn't sharing all of her low points with them.

Were we right to think that a year off wouldn't help? I still am not sure. Yes, she has grown a lot through just getting a year older, through getting and keeping a job, through seeing the real-world financial concerns of her classmates and fellow workers. But would she have gotten much growth out of the same experiences if she hadn't tried to transition? Jury's still out on where all this will go, anyway.

For your S2, try asking yourself a few questions. How has he handled change and separation? Does he have good skills to cope with setbacks and crises? Does he get his energy from being around others, or by himself, or at home with family? Does he have a special interest, such as a sport or music, that will help him build community while staying grounded? Is he confident in his social and academic abilities? Are special needs (in our case anxiety disorder) under control? Does he remember to take medication? Can you come up with a specific plan to help him grow in a gap year? The answers to those questions held a lot of red flags for my D.

What year is S2?

[mathmomvt]

seattle_mom, thanks for sharing your story and for your feedback on my S2. He is a HS junior. He goes to camp every summer, so he handles separation OK but has had a lot of support from the camp. He is a huge introvert, definitely gets his energy from being by himself -- I am thinking the ability to get a single room for medical reasons will be a huge factor for his sanity/success, though may interfere with his forming a strong social group, though he does have an interest that will lead to club membership and give him a social group that way. He is confident in his academic abilities, but not his social abilities. I would say he probably has some social anxiety. He takes meds for both anxiety and ADHD and does remember on his own to take them. As for a plan to help him grow, I have no clue. He is between therapists, but I think we need to get him back into therapy to give us some hints as to how to handle the transition. I think he also needs to be willing to see someone regularly at school. It seems like the quality of the mental health services at school will be important -- but I have no idea how to assess! (Availability/Accessibility is a bit easier to access, though still challenging.) He's very strong academically and wants to go to a "top" school, but I'm not convinced that such a stressful environment would be healthy for him! But his brother is at a top school and he is so competitive.... Lots to think about. We recently visited RPI and he liked it a lot, and the kids didn't seem so stressed about their schoolwork as those at many other engineering schools. It could be a good fit for him.

[kinderny]

Mathmomvt- RPI was on my D's list and is local to us. My D did not spend a lot of time there, but did interact with a fair number of RPI students. It is a good school (was probably my D's number 2) but it is pretty much of a grind. I work in a utility related field with lots of engineers who went to RPI. According to them, it is a 60+ hour a week kind of place for engineering students.

[momjr]

Mathmomvt - I'm not sure what options you have, but you might want to consider schools within commuting distance of your home. My nephew stuggled with emotional issues for many years. He attends a small LAC about 30 minutes from home. He commuted the first year, which allowed him to aclimate and transition to college while he still had his home support network. This year he is living at school and thriving. A friend's son with axniety issues couldn't handle the stress of dorm life, so he ended up commuting from home, graduated and now attends law school.

[Pepper03]

It's true-middle age and obsolescence is our reward just waiting for us!

I really didn't factor in the anxiety issues too much as he really worked through a lot of it starting from when it manifested in Sophomore year of HS through the end of HS.

The only thing I have really done is to reinforce that he needs to get enough sleep, exercise, and to eat properly. Of course he is doing none of these things right now and he is having a hard time-so I finally tracked him down on the phone the other day-I don't think I have actually heard his voice in quite a while because everything is a text (I call them the "Texts of Doom"). I had forgotten how much more you can tell from actually having a conversation! I just reinforced that he needs to take care of what he can and accept that this is the way life is-ups and downs-and to just do the best he can.

I think he chose a school close enough that he can come home whenever he feels he needs to. Last year he came home about every third week-this year he has only come home once. He did tell me he thinks he should have come home maybe one more time as he really misses his dog!

I am very happy where he is socially-he is at a school where the kids are smart and hardworking and competitive but not in a cutthroat way-it is a very good environment. He also has made good use (for the most part) of the advising system-the notable exception being this semester when he did his own thing-he will never do that again and realizes he bit off way more than he could chew and will always run his schedule by his adviser.

In his case it really hasn't affected him too much. He has traveled and is active in student government and loves public speaking-they key is I haven't taught him avoidance-when he was really afraid of something that I felt he needed to do I strongly encouraged him to do it-so he has learned that you can be anxious about something but do it anyway. I think most people have levels of anxiety about various things in life-if it is at a level which prevents us from doing things then that is when we need to get whatever help we need to.

I will tell you that my sister told me a very long time ago that no one knows your child the way you do-sounds simple huh? I have often reminded myself of that when getting helpful "advice" from people who really didn't know what they were talking about.

There are many students who really aren't ready for college right away for a multitude of reasons. He was-so he went. If he had struggled and needed to come home he would have-it wouldn't have been the end of the world-I think the calmer I remain about the whole thing the better he does.

I went through this in my own life and I have learned the hard way. I have said on here before and I will say it again-happiness is an inside job. My role is to raise my children to be able to reach their fullest potential whatever that may be. I know on CC we are usually talking about academic intelligence. There are many other forms of intelligence-financial intelligence for example-but I hope I never lose sight of the most important of all-emotional intelligence.

[mathmomvt]

Unfortunately, we don't live within commuting distance of any school that offers engineering programs. RPI is probably our closest bet (about 1 hr drive in traffic) but S2 does not drive, and likely will not learn in the next 2 years, and we don't have available public transit options, so that's not looking like a realistic option to us. But he would be able to come home frequently, if he needed/wanted to. Even to get to a CC with an engineering science associates degree program that would transfer to a 4-year engineering school, we have to travel an hour from home.

I can't actually imagine any engineering programs being under 60 hours/week -- that still sounds like it would fall under "manageable" to me ;-)