Parents of the HS Class of 2009 - Page 1765

Modadunn · 07-09-2012, 03:38 AM

I just got caught up... I think!

But I have to say, I am loving my summer nook!

TA - so so glad your news was good... although any kind of dx confirmed isn't great.

H has been here for the past week with two more to go. It's the absolute longest stretch he's ever been here. Bad news is, he won't be coming back in August (but we'll see). His new toy (a 1963 Ensign) is remarkably fun and the winds have been kind while he's on a relearning curve. We bought with friends and are having it refinished over time. This year was all the interior wood and a repair to the keel. But the costs are all shared and so far, so good.
While the school of thought is it can't flip over because it has a keel and the sails would have it lose wind before it would keel over, there were a few times this weekend where the angle was a tad scary. He raced on Saturday and I am glad to say I did not attend.

My sister from CA has been here the past week as well. Niece and BF arrived for the weekend. D was here two weeks ago and is coming back in two weeks. Younger D leaves for a camp to see if she has the chops to play at the next level. We shall see because while she is working at a camp all day with plenty of physical exercise, she hasn't really played since the last game of the season! She promises that will change this week!

Wedding planning in full gear. I am exhausted and there are absolutely no planners or visionaries here to speak of. For example: Am I really supposed to know what exact flowers are to be used in what arrangements, bouquets? Whatever happened to showing someone pictures of a vision and their figuring out how to make that happen?? I am in the middle of nowhere, so maybe that's it?

As to child equality.. it usually doesn't balance so equally. I have three kids and they all have required different levels of support. But t am not offended by those who chose a different life path that may not give them the same degree of income as another. But I will say that with any choice comes consequence. In Shaw's case, I would agree that exotic travel and big vacations while taking advantage of financial aid is fairly offensive to me. But then again, so is the fact that my ex-BIL has figured out a way to hide his money or underreport his income, take his kids on all kinds of trips abroad, refuses to help them with college expenses etc and allows that they be in debt up to their ears when they graduate. On the other side of the room is my friend's H who does not make his kids work for anything, foots the entire bill although he can ill afford it. He does not "believe" in college loans, pays for cars, the insurance and the gas they put in the tank! He gives them an allowance during the school year, and they just simply do not have any skin in the game whatsoever. However, because of these "obligations" he does not help with the expenses of home repair, refuses to come up to visit his wife because it's too expensive etc and then insults the rest of us as being elite and/or privileged making all kinds of assumptions about along the way. I was ticked. Yes, I recognize that I have some good things going on in my life, but beyond an unpaid internship that we essentially paid for all year long, our kids have always earned their own spending money for the school year. We pay for tuition, R&B, books etc, but they pay for their "lifestyle." I doubt that if there was a spreadsheet, it would balance out as equal between the three kids. And I know my inlaws pay for travel etc for some other siblings but H wouldn't take money even if it would make things easier. Point is, people who don't make a lot of money despite a first class education don't' offend me in the least. But when they want to enjoy the lifestyle of an income they don't earn, that's not good. And when they live that lifestyle and then get financial aid to do the rest, well.. yes, I would agree it's offensive.

But I would look at it differently. By the MIL giving them money, they are essentially taking YOUR children's potential inheritance (assuming the MIL would leave money in a trust or other vehicle) and/or possibly short-changing the MIL for her own needs as she ages. H's grandmother is going to be 100 years old in a few months. She never expected to live so long and well, to live that long is truly expensive!. And sure, it would be awesome if money (grant or otherwise) fell from the sky to help get us through the massive expenses already incurred and clearly laid out in the future for 2013. But the bottom line is, we made choices, we have consequences. And while I don't have the answer, I can't imagine asking my inlaws to foot my bills on anything unless I didn't have to nickels to rub together.. and I certainly wouldn't be asking them to pay for our lifestyle or our children's!

Similarly.. here's a small rant: Friends of mine went out of town to a spa to celebrate their 10th anniversary (2nd marriage for him, first for her. They have a 6 year old -shoot me). Anyway, they got back on Friday and were over here that night for a small party. My younger D had babysat their son for nearly 10 hours total while they were away (just filling the gaps). However, they have yet to pay her, have seen her multiple times and have yet to even mention she is owed. I have told D that I will pay her because I'd like to see how long it takes. I love my friend dearly, but she does not bring so much as a bottle of wine when she comes over and while I know he was teasing me somewhat, I refuse to buy her H's favorite beer anymore. They are not in a position to have us over there because they stay with her parents in her family house for the summer. I get that part, but wouldn't you think to bend over backward to make sure you weren't taking advantage of friend's hospitality? Usually, these things work out because for as much as friends come here, we go to their place as well. But in this case, because she can't really have friends over for socializing, they manage to live pretty much free all summer because they come empty-handed to everything! All while talking about their spa vacations and fairly upscale social life they enjoy the rest of the year. Color me perplexed.

Like I said, I love her dearly, but it wears thin. If she doesn't want to bring a bottle of wine on occasion, I can live with it. But to not pay a friend's daughter (mine!) for babysitting your son (and his cousin) for a bill somewhere slightly over $100.. it's just bad form in my estimation.

Gosh this was WAY WAY long. Sorry!!!

Heat broke today - finally. Hopefully the rest of you will be cool and dry this week as well. It's perfect weather for me now.

college_query · 07-09-2012, 06:59 AM

Modadunn, enjoy the weather! Yesterday a front came through and it dropped down to the 80s, which felt wonderful!

Shawbridge, not sure there's ever a "fair" way of doing anything, but I guess there's a difference between expecting handouts and accepting gifts, if that makes sense. If your MIL wants to be generous with her $, that's up to her, but relatives shouldn't count on or expect it.

At times in our lives both my parents and H's have subsidized our travel to visit them, so that we could all be together, which we accepted. We didn't expect them to do it, or demand it. For my parent's recent anniversary, my siblings and I and our families each paid for our own travel, but my parents offered to pay for our lodging while there. However, my brother who lives nearby and didn't have to purchase airline tickets paid for his own lodging, since he didn't have as large an expense as the rest of us. I would have paid for our lodging if we had to, but it was very helpful to have it covered.

When D started school, H was unemployed. As a result her financial aid at a school that meets full need was VERY generous. H has 3 advanced degrees while I only have a bachelor's degree, but he couldn't find work. He was offered a job in another state, which we almost accepted, but then realized it didn't make sense - he would make less than I made here, and there were no job opportunities for me there, we would have uprooted S from his friends and school, and the cost of living was higher. So we decided H should decline the offer. H did not receive unemployment (clergy are considered self-employed) so we weren't living off the government, but we were accepting more financial aid for D as a result of his extended unemployment.

To change topics, I have a (probably dumb) question. We purchased a camera for S before he went on his school trip to Europe, so he could take pictures, and then have a camera for school. Not a hugely expensive camera, but around $85 on sale. While in Europe, he was in the process of getting it out of his backpack, and another tourist ran into him and knocked it out of his hand.

The camera will not work now - the lens won't open or shut all the way since it's bent. I was able to download the 100+ photos he had taken.

I assume we are just out the $, correct? I used our debit card to purchase it (we don't have any credit cards) so no extended warranty/coverage, and the manufacturer's warranty covers their defects, not dropping the camera. I've been reading the fine print of what his trip insurance covered, and it's possible it is covered under that policy.

I am called for jury duty this week - I checked last night and I don't have to report today, but have to check again after 5 pm. I'm supposed to attend an out-of-town conference on Wednesday for work. Right now I'm betting that's the day they call me!

NorthMinnesota · 07-09-2012, 08:38 AM

Home from the lake. The weather has changed and we are only having mid to high 80s temps. Beautiful day yesterday and the water was lovely. H's sister and her family are using the cabin for the week along with his parents. No "epic" events as no one drinks and the kids are little. Still didn't leave the boat keys. Had some excitement at the cabin when I woke at 4:00AM Sunday. Heard what I thought was a car crash and then saw a bright flash which I thought meant that the car had taken out the area transformer. However, it was not a car crash but instead was a giant oak in the neighbor's side yard that crashed down and hit a power pole which then pulled the electric box off of another cabin. The huge tree and live wires came down in the area where just hours before our cabin community had gathered for our annual 4th of July pot luck and games. There had been about 20 young children and their families playing games and eating in the very area where the tree and wires landed.

Wow! We were all so lucky and I feel angels were watching over all of us. The power company took care of the live wires and we all helped cut up the oak except for the part that landed on the large propane tank that fueled the neighbor's cabin! Yikes! We really were lucky!

We try to keep things fair...not necessarily equal...between our girls.

Moda... I ALWAYS bring a bottle of wine, food, flowers or something as a hostess gift
when we visit. Even if it is just cute napkins and paper plates! As far as the babysitting money I would probably just ask my friend if there was a misunderstanding about it being a paid job.

kmcmom13 · 07-09-2012, 09:39 AM

Good morning, all. Lovely league shenanigans continue but my girlfriends are still sleeping off the monitor so I thought I'd pop in to catch up.

Shaw, I understand your frustration, as it seems two of my sisters live beyond their means at times in some way or another, and then magically expect the world to somehow accommodate their choices or otherwise resent the consequences. My mother, however,
generally refuses to help anyone, which has made her enormously unpopular

One sister receives an ungodly amount of money from the canadian government to pay for
home care of her non-verbal, severely autistic child. There's no doubt she has a tough life and the child needs individual care, but when she turned around and hired an additional nanny and cook, it kind of blew my mind as a taxpayer. A genetic counselor had told them not to have more children, but they had three more almost immediately. On one hand, I would not trade my work-laden-single-child-I-can-afford lifestyle for hers, but on the other, there's this undercurrent of entitlement about some things that drives me crazy. Eg. She then left her husband, who in my books, is a hard-working saint, because she wanted a better life. Then she was ticked that my mom wouldn't help her buy a house (because said house was way beyond her means) but she bought it anyway and the x ended up helping her out of a jam with closing costs. Don't get me wrong-- I want to see her children happy and stable, which means i also want her to be happy and stable. But
deep down I am just kind of floored at her level of expectation from life in general and it's contrast with her level of contribution or sacrifice in terms of decisions made and consequences and the sense that somehow the world owes her different outcomes.

In the case of your inlaws, it's even more complex, because the private school system of meeting need has been a little bit corrupted by intellectual partitioning in our society. Eg. I suspect many students receiving institutional aid have lived somewhat advantaged lives compared to the people wr "imagine" we're helping. I think that's because the people we "imagine" we're helping with our endowments are so cyclicly impoverished that they're growing up in school districts where they don't stand a chance to experience the kind of rigorous curriculum required for success at the ivies, where the majority of their peers are still illiterate in grade nine, where the uneven distribution of non-centralized national k12 funding is so abjectly uneven the performance gap is 12 points or more on the ACT. For example, when I was still involved in the ptsa, in our state and my city the urban per student funding has eroded to 7200 per kid at the secondary level. In Bloomfield hills outside Detroit, that same student (if the zip code was right) would have received 13,500 for allegedly the same standardized curriculum, same standardized state testing etc. So, our society, in our state, is essentially saying to innocent children that depending on where they're from, which often has to do also with the color of their skin, they're worth 6800 less a year as a member of our free and equal society. To me, it's obscene that this can
And does happen.

I realize that funding alone does not predicate the quality of education, but in truth, the urban schools with at risk students, with more LDs, with higher dropout rate, require more resources to combat those problems, not less.

At the same time, private schools have private endowments and outrageous pricing. They answer only to their stakeholders. So I suppose if they're helping talented future leaders with their money, as a society we shoukd be grateful that someone is. It's just the idea of a true meritocracy in evaluating students is to me a bit unrealistic considering how uneven the playing field is. I'm quite sure m own LD student would have been sunk early on at a comprehensive urban highschool had he not come from a family with the savvy and resources to help him become a desirable student to a gt magnet program, and to fund a lot of the development thereafter.

With respect to treating siblings equally -- a scenario hard to envision since I have only one child, I suspect I'd land a lot like TheAnalyst with her sons. Giving someone what they need to succeed just doesn't always come up to the same number. The personality and leanings of the kid should enter into the equation. I would likely be as unpopular as my own mother in that way, because anyone who was being a bonehead would disqualify for assistance.

As I regularly explain to my siblings, my mom's money is her money until the day she dies and she's been pretty upfront about that fact, not that I've always found that
especially endearing

Nonetheless, shaw, I certainly get your frustration.

The girls are rousing so I'd best be off, but thanks for the updates and well wishes, Moda, for your emerging wedding telepathy

missypie · 07-09-2012, 11:10 AM

Good morning. I am so happy to be back in "my world", free of boats and lakes and inlaws.

I won't comment much on kids getting unequal funds from parents, or families getting an unfair share from colleges or the government....I think abuse is sort of a "we know it when we see it" thing. I do recall being ticked at a friend of my H's family. He is a police officer and his wife is a SAH mom. They just kept having kids...maybe seven or 8 in all. They live frugally and can afford to feed them, etc. But when it comes to college, the parents' attitude is that they'll get a bunch of financial aid whereever they choose to go, because there are so many kids in the family. They fully expect their kids to go to college and fully expect someone else to pay. I'm not pleased with that attitude.

Son lost his drivers' license at the airport leaving on our trip, so now we know what happens when you try to get through security without proper ID. (It wasn't terrible, just a bit time consuming.)

We are pretty sure that Son is going to be fired from his grocery store job today. He didn't ask for time off for our trip early enough, they scheduled him and he found others who were eager to cover his shifts. When he went in yesterday to get his schedule for this week, all of his time had been manually crossed out with a note to see the manager. As I've ranted before, anyone who makes over minimum wage has a big target on his/her back, so he has given them a reason to fire him.

H and I have been trying to coach him...hope he doesn't just shut down. I told him that, if it seems inevitable that he is going to be fired, to ask to resign rather than be terminated. It would actually be terrific if he could get a job where food is not sold.

woody · 07-09-2012, 11:48 AM

Oh missypie - I hope that doesn't happen. Ugh...

Zetesis · 07-09-2012, 12:26 PM

Home, and jet-lagged woozy from 3 weeks of travel abroad. "A great time was had by all."

missypie · 07-09-2012, 12:53 PM

welcome home!

Well, Son wasn't fired....yet. He is on notice that he has to show up when scheduled, period. He can still give written notice of time he needs off, 10 days in advance or whatever, but otherwise, no getting someone else to cover your shift.

Son still needs to look for another job. The store manager is following his typical MO to get rid of people. I expect that Son will start being sheduled for odd shifts - like working until midnight, then being scheduled for 7 am the next day.

The worst is when people join the military and the manager doesn't want to hold their job for them....he schedules them for shifts they've never worked before...like if they have worked evenings for 10 years and have never been scheduled in the daytime, he'll start scheduling them on days and if they have a conflict, they're fired. Or if they rearrange things to accomodate the different shift, he cuts their hours from 32 to 24 to 16 to 8 until they quit.

It's a huge corporation, and I'm sure they have lawyers who tell them what they can get by with and still be legal.

college_query · 07-09-2012, 01:58 PM

Missypie, that sounds dreadful. It's a shame that places are able to get away with that. When D worked at a large, well-known department store, she was amazed at how they were careful to schedule people just under being full-time, so they couldn't get benefits. This was before she was in college, so wasn't looking for full-time, but she worked with single mothers who had to survive on their minimum-wage income. The department store has since left our city so evidently they weren't making a big enough profit?

Speaking of, I had a meeting this morning and found out a colleague at an affiliated campus has given her two weeks notice. This woman has been practically running the place and is the one truly indispensible person there. She's classified as a secretary. I guess they were finally realizing her duties and her position/salary were not aligned, so they are re-classifying the position. But instead of giving her a raise/promotion (and she's FABULOUS!) she's now not qualified for her own job.

At the last minute they decided they would re-write the position description so she would technically be qualified to apply, but they were still going to make her apply for her position, and are planning to interview others. In the meantime she went out and found a different job. Which is good for her, but I literally don't know how the place is going to function without her. And unfortunately I think some of this is going to fall back on me, since I trained her. And we're already short-staffed in our department!

missypie · 07-09-2012, 01:58 PM

In other news, younger D took one of those tests to determine if she would do better on the ACT or SAT. What came out of it is that she's at about the 50th percentile on both. I know she can go better with prep, but it will make finding her a college that she likes and that we can pay for a challenge.

missypie · 07-09-2012, 02:20 PM

c_q, so sad for the departing employee...and for you, if you end up with her work on top of your own.

Quote:

she was amazed at how they were careful to schedule people just under being full-time, so they couldn't get benefits

While I can understand that many are not happy with the Obama adminstration's attempt at healthcare reform, I don't understand why there isn't a nationwide plea for some type of healthcare reform. I'd love to know what percentage of retail and restaurant employees are just under full time, so they don't qualify for benefits - I bet it's huge. At Son's store, there are no full time cashiers. Yes, there are adults for whom it is their only job and they make pittance, but no benefits. And so many people are employed as consultants and independent contractors and have no benefits.

NorthMinnesota · 07-09-2012, 02:23 PM

missypie...increasing scores on the reading section of the ACT really isn't very difficult. There is a local teacher here who tutors and she has great success in that area. Going over grammar rules really boosts those scores!

Stuck at home while workers are putting gutters on the house. The company spokesperson said it would be a half day job. They came at 7:30 this morning and are still here.

downtoearth · 07-09-2012, 04:57 PM

Well Moda, if your friend always gets away with it, she never has to be accountable. Obviously the desire to not pay, supercedes her desire to be a hospitable guest. These conversatons can be difficult.
We have not been in the position to be far or not fair with the kids. i have not dealt with this in the family. My H's mother never pays for anything, so that isnt an issue. she isnt rude,she just feels it is her position to be paid for.
I think would be hard pressed to not help both of my kids equally, but I guess it would depend on their positions and needs. Neither one of my kids are exceedingly entitled, if they acted that way they would not receive anything. My kids do not pay for anything but spending money. However my D1 also paid for her own food last year. We buy the gas, they use it to go to work mostly. think it is so difficult to afford a tank of gas now, not like it used to be when we put 10 dollars in. Now that would get you to the end of the street.
Shaw the way your kids seem, dont anticipate anyone having an issue with how you support them. they seem to be supportive of each other.

TA so glad it was all well. I have had most every kind of breast biopsy known to man, so know you can end up pretty bruised.
Computer did not work this am, turned outthe modem had timed out, interesting it happened on malware monday. we were sure that was the reason why.

arabrab · 07-09-2012, 05:34 PM

Life isn't fair, and some people are users. It is a reality. (And, for the most part, I wouldn't want the rest of their realities & baggage.) But still, annoying as heck.

Moda -- I'm genuinely envious of the sailing. Boating is probably the biggest thing I miss about not living on the east coast, and wooden boats are the best. Mmmmm....

Missy -- I hope PieSon's schedule doesn't get too demolished. It is discouraging. What is the test to figure out whether you're better at the SAT/ACT? Never heard of that.

Big rains for us this weekend, and while there was some localized flooding up in the burn areas, the creek behind our house is flowing at a much, much better level. I'm sure the fish are a lot happier. With luck the monsoon weather will visit us a few times a week for the next month or so.

Just read about a new test that can distinguish between two types of melanoma of the eyeball -- Type I and you're likely to live a good long while (though you still may need to lose the eye), Type II and you're very, very unlikely to make it 5 years. I have a friend who had to have his eye removed for this about ten years ago, so I guess that probably means his was Type I. It still gives me the willies. (And, his was only found when it was because he was playing volleyball and went to the ER after a ball smacked him on his eye. You never want sports injuries, but this one turned out to be a gift.)

missypie · 07-09-2012, 06:48 PM

Arabrab, it's just something Princeton Review does. It's 3 hours and like a mini SAT and ACT put together - multiple timed sessions. When older D was a sophomore, the school offered it for $10. They didn't offer it this year so I sought it out and PR sent it to me, with a postage prepaid envelope, for free, and we got the score report back in a week. Of course, the "price" of all this free stuff is that I receive about four emails a day from Princeton Review regarding various prep courses.

I'm really thinking of not having D take the PSAT. It's mandatory for 10th graders (the school pays) but not for 11th graders.