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As in any college essay, have a trusted adult (a teacher or guidance counselor?) read it from the perspective of an admissions officer.
Creative is good - but giving up the "I" perspective often means sacrificing a level of intimacy, the chance to 'speak in your own voice' and to develop that rapport or connection. But try your idea on for size anyway - sometimes something that looks dubious on the hanger looks sensational when you put it on - or not.
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