To advice or not to advice; or, how to crush dreams gently

frrrph · 03-09-2007, 08:21 PM

For some reason, people feel ok about coming to me with things. This is flattering and usually very fun as I love editing papers, helping out with homework, whatever is needed. I am small and friendly-looking, and don't seem the type to judge.

Now. The thing is. I do. Goodness gracious, this is horrible and nothing I would ever share with the fellow students that look at my harmless little stature and merrily hand over their work, but I definitely do. If it's good, I feel impressed; but if it's bad -- I laugh, I laugh some more, and I share the best parts with my best friend. I never think any less of the student and still try and salvage it as much as I can, but... Yeah baby. I laugh.

A week or so ago the funniest guy I've ever met hands me a printed and binded book. He is funny because,

a) He is no more than 19 tops and dresses extremely formal - at a community college

b) He hands people his "business card" with the bolded, centrally placed word "SENATOR" - senator, sure, at a community college

c) During the class I had with him, he would only speak out when standing in front of class (he loves standing in front of class!, haha), going through a meticulously styled power point, and offering expertise comments - if you define "expertise comments" as "random snippets of words he picked up on in the NYT headline for the day".

He has now written a book, he explains, and paid to have it printed out. I am to read it and provide input so he can finally get it published. He beams with pride, confidently putting it in my hands, giving me a hopeful yet professional gaze that seems to say "I trust this fine work with you, you and only a select other few... this is work for experts".

I read the first three chapters of his book.

I re-read them.

I had the entire coffeeshop turn around to stare at me as I just. Could. Not. Stop. Laughing.

It was so awkward and unintentionally hilarious, I don't even know where to begin with giving any sort of input on it, it's just so far beyond even ATTEMPTING to come up to the level where one could look at it and say, oh, this might need improvement. It's in a class all of its own.

He is born in the States from a Chinese family, but seems to not have been sharing the same English with anyone else on this entire continent. The grammar is puzzling; but the story is far beyooooond comprehension. The first two chapters involve a bunch of random names (calling them "characters" would be perpetrating a severe crime of this term) hanging around at a ball, having what could resemble a coherent dialogue if one were to feel generous, constantly referring to "my versace car" or "She was wearing gucci no. 5 and speaking with a Harvard accent -- the finest of the finest" (I've no idea what a "Harvard accent" is, but I guess it goes along with the Gucci No. 5). They've all been to Harvard, they are all experts on wine... sadly, the author, henceforth referred to as THE SENATOR, is definitely not.

It gets worse. It turns out, the entire plot centers around one man. A man that has not a single line, yet according to all the men is A Highly Desirable Employee; and, if I am to trust the witness accounts of the women, it is nothing short of a miracle such a 100% Perfect, Sexually Appealing Stud of a Man would even grace us with his presence by walking the Earth as if he were a mere mortal.

Chapter 2 and onwards is, literally, one lady after another either hooking up with "Orientall Man" (no comment...) or talking to each other about the mind-boggling perfection of this hooking up. The Oriental Man's love-making skills know no limit, and time and again produce intense "cranial pleasures" in his partners upon "the fatal insertion". If I didn't know any better, I would say the narrator has a loose grasp of what, exactly, even the act of kissing would entail beyond some vague notion of the mouth-to-mouth routine with the modification of having the female party nearly die from erotic shock from it.

And so on and so on.

Do I give him some tangible critique on things that aren't purely grammatical (there is just no way I'll re-read and correct every insanely constructed sentence in his biography grande), such as overusing the two somewhat interesting words he HAS snapped up ("animatedly, mirth")? Do I tell him it's overall great, great then leave it to time for him to realize it will never get published - if I give feedback he might just waste time improving something unsalvageable (he has no redeeming literary qualities as a writer whatsoever, and seems to have speed-written it only in a fit to get published), and this way, he can at least pretend he was only a millipercent away from being picked over someone just as brilliant.

Or do I do the most difficult thing and simply tell him to drop it and put his time into pursuing something as safely far away from literature as possible? Good God, if literature as a phenomenon could be slain, this Opus Magnum of cranial pleasures would certainly be the fatal insertion.

frrrph · 03-09-2007, 08:22 PM

And yes, advice instead of advise was intentional on my part, haha.

snoopyiscool · 03-09-2007, 08:35 PM

I wish I could read it....

Tell the kid it was hilarious and thank him for writing such a sharp satire. Then watch him as he haughtily pivots and struts away, and laugh some more.

frrrph · 03-09-2007, 08:37 PM

Hey, I'm not mean anywhere but in private.

Taggart · 03-09-2007, 08:38 PM

then ask him why he wrote it.

LesOs · 03-09-2007, 08:38 PM

Sure it was.... =)

I would suggest that you offer him some constructive criticism... address the grammatical errors, sure, but be very general when criticizing his plot and characterizations. Say something inoffensive like, "Try to develop the protagonist more," or, "Maybe you could get rid of some of the flowery language-- be more concise..." This way, you aren't ATTACKING, you're offering suggestions.

But, don't be too critical of his writing. Some of your sentences were a bit wordy and overcomplicated as well =D

I have to agree with you though... "cranial pleasures" and "the fatal insertion" are VERY... eh... 'interesting.'

snoopyiscool · 03-09-2007, 08:38 PM

I was just kidding, gosh.

I really have no idea what to say. Perhaps something like...

Author: How did you like it?
You: ...

LesOs · 03-09-2007, 08:43 PM

I'm sure that would be really effective, Snoopy =)

Another approach would be to feed his ego and lie... and let him learn his lesson the hard way.

(Hmm. Has anyone ever realized that the word 'lesson' looks really strange?)

P.S. I kind of sounded like a jerk in my last post. Ignore my snarky little comment.

frrrph · 03-09-2007, 08:43 PM

THE SENATOR has actually arranged for me, our old professor and some random classmate to go to a restaurant and discuss his work over dinner.

I wish I was joking.

snoopyiscool · 03-09-2007, 08:47 PM

I don't. You should secretly film it; like, hire the waiter to carry a camera.

No, that would be cruel. A tape recorder should suffice.

LesOs · 03-09-2007, 08:53 PM

"THE SENATOR has actually arranged for me, our old professor and some random classmate to go to a restaurant and discuss his work over dinner.

I wish I was joking."

If I were in your shoes... I'd just choose to be amused by it all. Because it is pretty darn amusing!

I know a SENATORish person. He went to a private school after 8th grade, but... in middle school, he always wore suits, used a briefcase instead of a backpack, and wrote down homework assignments in one of his 3 PDAs. He thought that he was the bee's knees.

And, yes: I did just say "bee's knees."

Venkat89 · 03-09-2007, 08:56 PM

You could always make other plans for the dinner, or just tell him straight up "you can't write." Unless he actually becomes a Senator, it's ok to be a little mean to him. You can't be nice to everyone and definitely can't be loved by everyone.

frrrph · 03-09-2007, 08:59 PM

Haha, this isn't a huge problem for me, I'm sure things will work out the way they always do and I think the dinner will be entertaining for sure. But I do wonder what exactly to tell him. Interesting experimental take to leave the plot out? Creative vocabulary?

frrrph · 03-09-2007, 09:01 PM

Snoopy, I'm not sure a tape recorder could successfully capture the "gazing out into the distant future of great success"-pose essential to the SENATOR's personality.

Venkat89 · 03-09-2007, 09:05 PM

get one of those spy camera glasses and video tape the whole thing as 3 people sit there and try to tell the Senator that he can't write.