Vaish88

god, you moron go study! wait you have friends over at unearthly hrs to study? why dont i buy that you're studying?

seriously though, i love Jesse McCartney its such girly music but its SO good. and yes, he did make me the cd...for my birthday.

desi_chik

"and yes, he did make me the cd...for my birthday."

ahh the truth of why you like Jess McCartney arises. lol!

Vaish88

lol actually he made me the cd in an effort to get me to stop talking about Jesse McCartney...otherwise i was always trying to find it on the radio.

desi_chik

lol! i guess it didn't work!! j/k!

Vaish88

yeah not really. he gave it to me on Friday...i haven't listened to anything else since. lol yes, he's thrilled

simba

My choice of the word 'react' had no other meaning than act or behave. Guys you have to give we Indian parents a break. Many of us haven't learned the finner nuances of different words. To us if they mean similar we are free to use any one of them.

Now back to my feelings. I honestly don't have any feelings one way or the other. My son went to the homecoming dance. But it was kind of arranged. First he asked a girl, she said yes and then she backed out. Then he learned the finner art of asking the girl. First ask her friend than if the response is yes ask her directly. Before the homecoming, we were talking, teasing him about if wanted to go or not, and we felt that he might have felt pressured by us. So for prom, we told him in December that the decision will be his and we won't talk about the prom again - and we haven't.

Now the general concept of dating. I am all in favor of it. Mating is a natural instinct. One has to find a mate - college campuses are the best places to find your mate. Once you graduate, the circle as well as opportunity to find a mate diminishes somewhat.

I know many good Indian boys and girls who are on top of their professional career - many are doctors, lawyers and engineers, are in 30s and still single. I often wondered if the Indian kids have the skill set necessary to attract their mates or not. I also believe that perhaps we as Indian parents have failed our children by not providing them the infrastructure to co-mingle and develop that skill set.

Look at the American parenting. From a very early age on, the kids have opportunities like valentines, school dances, proms, church socials etc etc. The kids learn the art of attracting opposite sex. But what do we Indians do? We take them to temples, drag them to our friends houses, we never show affection to our spouses in public, we never leave them with a baby sitter and have a romantic night out-on-town. If we as parents don't demonstrate the romantic side, how are they going to learn?

Let us face it, many of us spent less time in picking our mates than we would spend in buying a car. We never had to go out and 'hunt' and 'fight' for the mate. Our education, the green card and family position, connections enhanced our desirablity index - but, we lacked that skill set. As a reason when our children want to learn those skills we are frightened or think they are meaningless. Actually, we Indians in US are more backward thinking than Indians in India. In India, the society moves on and parents have to move forward (I know that for a fact - six of my youger cousins have found their mates on their own from different religion, different states and even different country). Parents have to 'grow'. Here many of us have a frozen image of India 20-25-30 years ago and many of us haven't learned to move on and adapt. We haven't grown. I often wonder whether the social life we parents are practicing is healthy for our kids, and frankly, I don't know the answer.

Vaish88

Simba, thank you so much for responding to our questions. I have a question for you. say you knew your son liked this girl really liked her and after talking often on the phone the two are now "dating." How would you react if after dinner he was sitting in his room talking to her, if he wanted to go out with her (not a group, just the two of them) on Fridays? because i feel that most parents are fine talking the talk, but when it comes to walking the talk and accepting that we are very different from what you used to be at our age. I'm really not trying to be agressive, i just wonder where the difference is in what is said, and ultimatly what is done.

As for your other comments i agree and will comment when i have more time. Again i really appreciate your responding

TaraMom

I find this so interesting, as I have Indian family ties, and still have a lot to learn about the culture. Some of it I'm too embarrassed to ask, or I feel my relatives wouldn't say it straight out. So Vaish88, I'd appreciate your clarification about what I think I'm hearing.

Are you saying basically that Indian parents here discourage their sons from dating in high school because they intend to eventually arrange their marriage--that is take them back to India and find them a girl?

And when you mentioned being badmouthed to your aunties, were you saying that Indian parents disapprove even of Indian girls brought up in America, because they see them as of less character/morals than an Indian girl raised in India?

Anything else you or others can add about Indian teens' dilemmas of breaking vs maintaining one's Indian cultural ties, in the context of parents, marriage, and dating, etc. is most enlightening to me.

simba

Vaish: I honestly can't answer your question, because it is 'hypothetical'. But let me tell you about my S. The girl he had asked for the homecoming was a good friend, they had 'group' relationships. Then once she asked him to go to the mall with her. (That's how my son got the courage to ask her for the dance). However, when they went to the mall, perhaps my son was not as charming. He may be very pleasant in groups, but in one-on-one situations he could be the most boring person. He may not have done things or behaved in ways that are 'expected' in one-to-one situation, and hence the rejection.

Anyway, I belive that once the children reach certain age, we parents think we 'know' them. We know them as sons and daughters and try to hang on to sweet little good old days when they were little. But, as they grow up we really don't 'know' them. I think as they grow older, the kids expect a friend in their parents.

Now as far as dating. You have to realize that most of us grew up thinking life in steps. elementary school-middle school-HS-College-Job-Marriage-Children......To many of us life is nothing but a series of one dimensional step changes, and the Indian scociety provided/developed the infrastructure to make those step changes happen.

It is hard for many of us to understand that life is a continuam and many parallel threads can co-exist.

As far as boys 'standing' up to their parents, I can't say in terms of boy-girl relationship. My son has stood up to me many times for what he wants to do, what ECs he should do or even what should he study - and so far he has always won (and so far I haven't regretted about any of the choices he has made).

One advise I can offer is that when you have dispute with parents, don't throw tantrum on every little things. Pick your battles and reason. Go beyond 'because i want to' to 'why I want to' and don't expect a resolution right then - it may take days or even weeks.

btboxpunk

lol do what i do..dont tell yo parents ur dating anybody.....theyre retarded, they never do find out if u have amazing friends who have yo back at all times.

Vaish88

Okay to respond to the questions/comments

Taramom- most Indian parents, for the most part, discourage dating. Not because they necessarily want to take us back to India to arrange a marriage but because “it is a distraction from school work” When I said that this particular mom badmouthed me, I am not saying that most parents disapprove of Indian girls here-in the end even my guy friend’s moms have accepted that they future daughters-in-law will probably have been brought up here. I guess she in particular is on one end of the spectrum…so I would refrain from generalizing about all the parents because most are usually really nice and open.-except for dating

Simba- Thanks for explaining your son’s situation, and explaining where parents come from. That makes a lot of sense in terms of thinking in one dimension. However what I must point out is that guys will stand up to their parents for a lot of things, school, ec’s ect..but when it comes to dating they are more likely to go behind their backs rather than try to discuss it with their parents and reach an acceptable situation.

Btboxpunk- well I know you can do that. Its not that hard to do. But I have a good relationship with my parents and they are fine with what I do, so I don’t have to do that. But I am concerned that his parents, who know we have something going, will be upset when they do find out, because in my experience you will get caught eventually. And when you are caught, its so much worse if its all hidden…

Thank god my parents are normal about stuff. I mean they obviously aren’t like my white friend’s parents but on the Indian scale they are way liberal.

simba

Vaish88: If I read your posts correctly, you think that Indian boys can stand up to their parents for other things but the girls. Let me offer couple of reasons. I am sure there are more:

(1) Perhaps for boys it is not important enough to pick a fight. Chronologically, boys and girls could be of same age (16,17, 18...). However, emotionally the boys may be behind the girls. So emotionally, girls may try to put lot more in to a relationship than a boy.

(2) It is also possible that boys and girls have different standards at home (In India when I was growing up there certainly were double standards. I don't know here. I have only one boy - no girl). With boys the parents may be more linient than with girls so boys never have to 'fight'. Also, it depends on the parents. Recently, my son told him that one of his Indian friend has told all the girls that if they have to call him at home - they should talk like a boy.

What I am trying to tell you is that don't genralize too much about Indian parents, Indian boys or even India. India is a country where cultures and customs of several centuries co-exist. You will find people that are still frozen in medieval times to people that are liberal than liberals here.

BTW does Vaish stand for Vaishali? pretty name.

hpnmath4life

well you can always write a college essay about your hardships

rhonda63

I couldn't resist this thread.

I'm in a somewhat unique position -- I am an Indian-American parent (married to an American man, btw). BUT I was in the position of many of you kids twenty years ago -- I grew up here in the US (was born in India, came here as a small child) with parents who were raised in India and came here as adults. This was in the 1970's. So I've seen both sides of this.

My parents were very strict. No dating in HS, period. That was the rule. We (my older sister and I) didn't even attempt to fight it. We did have some "group events," like parties, where boys we knew would attend, but really all quite tame. We had a number of Indian friends who were under the same rules, so it wasn't that big a deal, really. Sounds different than your situation, Vaish, where there seems to be some dating among the Indian kids.

When I went to college, my mother told me it was OK for me to date, but the boy should be Indian (oh, well!). With my younger sister, I think my parents were more lenient, but she also did not date in HS.

My daughter did date in HS and also has in college (she is a sophomore). I have had concerns at times of the type any parent would (e.g., one particular boy I didn't like, another boyfriend who seemed overly clingy, etc). None of her boyfriends have been Indian, which is OK, although it would be OK if they were, too!

On the boy/girl issue, Vaish, that you brought up. I think you are hitting on something I've noticed for a long time. (get ready for some categorization and stereotyping here...) The Indian boys are often overly coddled by their parents, who are convinced their sons are god's gift to the world. The son can do no wrong, so OF COURSE it is the girl's fault if the boy goes out on a date! She must have dragged him into it!!

I think Indian girls here in the US, by and large, are AMAZING -- smart, beautiful, quick, sharp-witted, and ambitious. I think they have the Indian boys beat by a mile. I know parents of Indian girls who PREFER that their daughters marry American boys, because they view the Indian boys as regressive and chauvinistic in comparison.

Your parents sound very level-headed, Vaish. I remember one thing my father once said to several other Indian parents when I was a teenager -- the other parents were bemoaning the "American influences." My father said to them -- "if you wanted them to have no American influences, why the hell did you bring them here?!?? It's not as if they came from India by themselves!!!"

bigmain

Having parents decide who you will marry is as close to slavery as one can get without it actually being slavery. Saying it is a tradition does not excuse such horrible conduct. Every Indian living in America should reject any attempt at an arranged marriage.

If white parents tell their daughter not to date a black male because of his race, we call those white parents racists. If Indian parents (who permit dating) tell their Indian daughter she cannot date anyone other than an Indian boy, why shouldn't those parents also be called racists?