ModernChem

~3 months till graduation. THREE MONTHS

get a job and work alot in the summer

compmom

My theory is that we all have defenses that protect us, while we are stuck in whatever situation we are in: it is called adaptation. But as you get near the end of the situation in which you are trapped, the defenses start to come down and you feel more of what you have been blocking for years. Do you think that is what is happening?

The other important thing to know is that it isn't as simple as getting out and getting free. You carry that adaptation with you. It is like the disorientation someone from the city feels, when sleeping in the country. Your adrenalin continues even when you are away from the home situation that stoked it.

It can take time and a lot of wisdom to make the transition from a dysfunctional home to some level of comfort on your own. As someone said, it is the devil you know, and you have put a lot of unconscious effort toward living with it. It can be a bit of a void when you no longer have that misery to take up your energy.

I second what others have said: find a counselor to help you for now, and also as you go through transitions ahead. It does not mean you have a problem, it just means you are being smart about avoiding one. Having a person outside your life can give you a detachment and perspective that is really helpful with these huge transitions. You can talk about fishing, or music, or whatever you want. Groups, including self-help groups, can be good too.

Northstarmom

Every one I know who managed to leave a dysfunctional family to go to college -and I know many -- encountered challenges as their departure date neared because various family members would do things to try to erode their confidence or make them feel guilty enough to stay with the family.

I strongly support the suggestions that you start talking now with your guidance counselor, minister or other wise adult who can help you through the next few months.

More advice: Don't count on anything from your family, not even a ride to the bus or train station to get to college. I've seen students who came from your kind of background who almost didn't get to college because family members promised something like a ride to the bus station, and then didn't show up, showed up late or incited some kind of argument at that time.

And do get a job ASAP. No matter how large your scholarship is, you'll still need money for things like incidentals, transportation, etc.

Vehicle

I can really relate to you. My home life growing up was a nightmare, poverty, crime, and general negligence that derived out of my parents. Though you're in a better position than I was when I was your age. I know it's hard to focus on school when you're miserable.

What I suggest is to move as far away from that situation as possible. Being out of an environment that discourages your personal growth is phenomenally hard to work through. What helped me the most in life was completely eradicating myself from my parents and home life and move to an entirely new foundation. I've felt more personal success in this one year as I have in my entire life.

Since you have good grade and test scores (from what you say) I'd suggest going to a school as far away from your parent and home life as possible. That way you can feel as though those strings are no longer pulling you down and you can focus on your future as an independent person. It's true that running away doesn't simply solve the problem but it makes it much more manageable.

What's really helpful is to have supportive relationships to keep you going. Sometimes having a good friend to be there when you break down is beneficiary. I wouldn't be able to get over my stress without my husband. It makes all the world difference just to be able to speak to someone about your troubles. See if there is a counselor you can talk to if you don't feel comfortable talking about this with friends.

llsjoakamell

I just thought you might want to know but i'm in a similar boat :/
I also live in a family who fights all the time and honestly, i'd be happier if they would just neglect me because they won't let me do anything..
my parents seem to believe that being locked in your room to study is the best way to get into college...... -.-;;
then they go out and get into trouble, wow.
anyways... i learned how to cope by writing. writing a story about ... a fantasy romance, an epic novel, a ... poem? lol
i know it's not exactly the best solution, but an immediate solution could be watching Korean Dramas? they're extremely entertaining and offer much inspiration on what kind of romance stories xD

on the more serious note, i found God. remember he's always there to listen to your prayers and that despite the feeling that you are alone, you're not. When i found him this past year, it felt so good just to be able to be totally honest with "someone"... i don't know if you're religious at all or not, but that's something that really helped me get by in my darkest hours.
(did i sound really preachy? if so, i didn't mean to... )

if that doesn't really help, just be glad you're almost there. as for me, i'm stuck in this hellhole for a whole 'nother year. :/
keep your head up and that smile on. You're almost there. :]
feel free to PM me anytime you want someone to talk to :]

baseballmom

Hang in there! You're on your way to a new life with positive people you can learn to trust.

Try to find a job at at a summer camp so you don't have to spend the summer around your family. I agree with other posters who recommend finding a job once you arrive at school.

patgirl791

like llsjoakamell I have also been through a bad childhood (immigrant family, poverty, family members getting convicted of certain crimes, etc.) and I just got over it this year when I wrote my college essay about my whole situation. You don't necessarily have to write an essay but writing about it really helps. And if you have a school psychologist try talking to him or her. It good to have somebody to talk about your situation and you may be able to resolve some of your emotions (anger, sadness, and even some hidden ones) like I did.
I wish the best of luck in senior year and in college and trust that kids like us usually find college easier than high school.
Good Luck and if you need anymore advice just message me.

arjungamer123

My life was nigtmarish like yours when I was 8 years old. I lived in a gang neighbourhood, as my parents, brother and I were new immigrants that just needed a place to stay.

I think you need to think of two things when you're in such a position:
- Things will change...most probably for better in your case.
- This one is going to be a cliche but...but it's always darkest before dawn.

MidwestMom2Kids_

Picture yourself in your dorm room on campus this fall. Hang in there. You will make it. You can do it. Do you have a good plan for the summer?

Sally_Rubenstone

dukeletter--Congratulations on all you've accomplished so far. I'm glad to see that you've gotten some helpful advice and support on this thread. But one word of warning: Although going to college (perhaps far away) can give you a fresh start and a chance to continue your successful track record without the daily intrusions of your family's dysfunction, do be aware that freshman year may not provide instant relief from your problems.

Approach college with two opposing ideas in mind at once: First, that it's going to be great--a road to freedom from your past. But, at the same time, it could be a rocky road. Ghosts from your childhood may haunt you, even if you're far away. If your finances are tight, you may be surrounded by dorm-mates who spend many nights in pricey clubs or who are always planning weekend and holiday travel extravaganzas. This may make you feel like an outsider. Try to find others who share your interests and needs. (Some colleges even have organizations specifically for low-income students.) Take advantage of your college's (free!) counseling services at the first signs of faltering and of faculty office hours or your school's academic advising system if you struggle in any of your classes.

Hopefully, you will find that getting away and starting anew will offer exactly what you require, yet also don't worry if college doesn't immediately prove to be a silver problem-solving bullet. You have much happiness ahead of you, but freshman year can be an adjustment for everyone, even those who have lots of support from home, so try to be patient if you face additional obstacles. You've already proved to yourself that you can surmount many hurdles, so don't be daunted if you encounter more.

mmom

You've gotten wonderful advice, isn't it great to have CC as a resource? Sally's above post is excellent. Also, be aware that even in the best family home situations, seniors feel confilcted between upcoming college plans and the family that will be left behind. Many seniors act out, its like the little bird, stirring up the nest so he will be pushed out and learn to fly.

Congratualtions on all you've achieved.

ellebud

CC parents are the best. Yes, the advice of counseling is spot on, getting a job for extra cash is importent (don't be surprised if your family tries to lay claim to your money to keep you tied to them). Hide as much of your money as possible. (Sorry folks, sans the abusive/criminal element my parents always needed extra money). Know that you are coming to the finish line. Breathe in and out. And then you are at the starting line for the rest of YOUR life.

See if your new university has a mentor program. A local person with a family (man or woman) can help you over the rough patches and give you the advice that you didn't have growing up. Yes, take advantage of a good counselor at your school.

You are almost there. Breathe in...and out...The worst is almost done.

haikumarukuchan

Yo!

I come from similar situation


USE YOUR HARDSHIPS TO YOUR ADVANTAGE!

make sure to write about them in essays!

Multitasker

You did a great job so far. Surround yourself with good people and please don't fall off the wagon! You worked too hard to get at where you are right now. Make yourself proud of your accomplishments and good luck!

usdenick

I second what a lot of other people have said: Find someone to talk to, take it one day at a time and figure out a way to get out of your environment for college. It is always hard to grow up and move out, no matter how much you hated your home environment. It is also not at all uncommon for family members (and friends) who are not college grads or college bound to make bright, college-bound kids feel bad or guilty about the upcoming higher ed opportunities. (This comes for a former psych prof. who says she witnesses this in her students often). It makes sense, I think: They see you moving above and beyond the parameters of their existence and this makes them feel insecure about their own status in life. Crabs in a bucket, unfortunately. Not saying that this is necessarily what is going on with you, but it happens.

I also hated my childhood and did not finish H.S. I am now in a community college, having started back at age 22. Although I am grateful for my community college experience and am doing very well here, I am also constantly reminded that I am older than many classmates. You are clearly a bright, motivated person. I can almost guarantee you that, if you do not go to college now, you will feel the urge (need!) to go soon in the future. So, why not do it now, when it is most convenient?! If you drop out now, you will severely limit your options to apply once you want to. More than likely, you will need to start back at a community college and then transfer. Why not save yourself the agony and time and just finish up your High School degree?

Even if you decide to take a year or two off, you will have a MUCH, MUCH greater range of schools to apply to with a HS degree!

Taking some time off is definitely the right step for some people, that is true without a doubt. However, based on my experience and that of other older students I know, you will invariably want to return to school and you will invariably have a "I could kick myself" attitude about not returning to school sooner when you see all the 18 and 17 year old freshman that are your classmates!