TonyK

You can do it, and stay focused on the Finish Line right there in front of you. Spend some time with your school friends who you may never see again. Take time to visit your favorite teachers in school and thank them for their help. Listen to their advice. Be patient. Stay calm.

It took me twelve years and a tour of duty in the Marines, but I finally obtained two degrees. I never got a dime from my family for school and I was always the poorest kid in college. If you want an education bad enough you will find a way to get it. There are plenty of people standing by waiting to help you. Good Luck!

Take3

Good luck! It's an accomplishment that you've come this far.

Going to university is going to be very rewarding for you. Every aspect of life is much better in a positive environment, like your new university, than in an unhealthy environment. Plus, education will open doors which you can currently only dream of.

But make no mistake: Going to university will be a big change for you. The university setting will be a very different environment than you're currently used to. People will have different behaviors, attitudes and ways of being than you're used to. Overall, the way one relates to a positive environment can be very different than the way one relates to an unhealthy environment. Indeed, the behaviors that worked in an unhealthy environment are often counterproductive in a positive environment.

It sounds like you're ready to move on from the unhealthy environment you're in. That's a good sign. When someone is really ready to move on from an unhealthy environment, they can usually quickly adopt new ways of being which work in positive environments. It's good to be open to new ways of being which work in a positive environment. These new ways of being are so much more rewarding than being the kind of person you have to be to survive in an unhealthy environment.

It's likely that people you meet in university are going to be supportive of you and your desire to move forward in life. You won't have to do it alone. Some people in your current environment may also be supportive of your goal to attend university. These relationships are valuable - they're worth preserving even if you move across the country. Unfortunately, other people might be passively or even actively unsupportive. It will be important to disregard what the second type of person thinks of your choices. You have to be unconcerned, not just externally but also internally, about their lack of approval. Relationships with such people might not even survive because of the changes you make in your life. But if a friend is no longer a friend because you decided to move forward, were they really your friend in the first place? Remember this if any of your relationships don't survive.

I agree with everyone who said that it will help to have people you can talk to in your current environment. As a corollary to the above, make sure the people you decide to talk to are the supportive ones rather than the unsupportive ones. It might not be immediately obvious which is which.

I also agree with compmom. It's likely that you block any reactions to your current environment while you're still in it. When you finally get out of an unhealthy environment is when your feelings about the environment rise to the surface. It can take a long time for the adrenaline to quiet down so you can feel normal. I mention this not to be depressing, but to help you identify these feelings if you have them. If you have these feelings, any good university has counselors you can talk to, usually for free. Any reactions you have to your current environment can be dealt with, especially if you have someone to talk to.

I also agree with Northstarmom. Unfortunately, there is some chance that other people will try to sabotage your attendance at university. I knew someone in university who was from a dysfunctional family. In fact, his family situation was bad enough that he was a ward of the state. Still, he was in contact with his family. Over winter break, he visited his mother. During that visit, the expensive computer he'd purchased to help him succeed in school mysteriously broke. As a practical matter, it's good to minimize the chances people have to stab you in the back. It helps to have eyes in the back of your head. As someone from a dangerous neighborhood, you probably already do. The good news is that most ways in which people can sabotage you can be avoided if you're careful.

Finally, never feel bad about running away. Leaving a dysfunctional environment can only help you.

It takes an inner strength to succeed in university. If you've come this far despite your current environment, you clearly have that inner strength. You can use your inner strength to succeed in university and earn a degree. Good luck!

katytibbs

I am assuming that either alcohol or drugs are involved in your family. If not, please ignore this post.

A great resource not mentioned is Alateen (part of Al-anon). It is free (donations accepted but not required) and it is all over the country. You will find kids there who are growing up in families like yours. Some of them won't have coped as well as you, but the feelings on the inside are the same, so don't judge by the outside.

Here is their website with links to local meetings

Welcome to Al-Anon and Alateen

THere aren't as many Al-ateen groups as there are adult Al-anon groups, so if you can't find a teen group, feel free to go to an adult group. Be open to that they will be older, but as a HS senior you should be able to cope. You will find help.

Northstarmom

Another group that may be helpful -- whether or not alcohol or drug abuse/addiction is in your family -- is Adult Children of Alcoholics Al-Anon or Children of Alcoholic groups. They are useful to people from all sorts of dysfunctional families. The books designed for such people also are very helpful for people from dysfunctional families. My favorite such book is "Guide to Recovery" by Herbert Gravitz. You can get it cheap on Amazon used.

MamaDrama

My family wasn't on the front page of the newspapers but I was raised by wolves. My biggest concern about getting away was leaving two of my younger siblings behind to bear the brunt. And it did get very, very bad for them after I left as I used to take most of it.

If there are younger siblings, get yourself out and established and then help them get out. You will give them hope and try not to let the "survivor's guilt" draw you back in. As soon as my siblings got in to college, I let them stay with me over the summers so they would not have to return to my parent's home and I used to keep in contact with them as much as possible to let them know I hadn't forgotten them.

I would be lying if I didn't say I don't carry some of that guilt around with me today though.

Millancad

I would also advise you to go away for college.

I've had a pretty happy childhood, but there was a short time when things were really, really bad and for a while I succumbed. But when I was triumphing over that, I just always remembered that everything was transitory, and it seemed to help.

Have something to hang on to. For me, it's ballet. No matter how bad everything is, ballet makes me happy. Even if the studio's closed, even if the weather's bad, even if last week there was a kid shot on the pathway there, I'll walk to ballet just because being there makes me happy, even though the walk takes hours and I can only stay for 10 minutes if I don't want to walk through dangerous places in the dark. It's just nice to have a sure thing.

kneongrl88

hey i'm new here-
i saw your post and i felt i had to reply. I know it's hard- i had a tough time groing up, having no parents, being raised by a grandmother and dealing with the generation gap, being overweight, having bipolar disorder, taking anti-depressants and dealing with other family issues.

It can seem like it never ends- but don't give up now. I guarentee when you put on that robe and walk into the future, it will be one of the most gratifying experiences of your life. College can be difficult, but it's a step towards an independence that will make you realize how trivial some things were in highschool - now I'm NOT saying your life issues are trivial, but i am saying that some of the smaller things that wear you down won't matter as much, and you'll feel like you'll be able to breathe again.

stick it out. it's so worth it. it may be a fight now, but once you get past it, things will be better.
if you need someone to talk to, message me- email me at kng22@netscape.com.
stay tough, and most of all, stay true to yourself,
Kate <3

peterwest

Dear dukeletter,

Honestly, I can relate to your anxiety and fears. Aside from the criminal charges part, your life sounds eerily similar to my own when I was a senior in high school. Before I say anything else, I want to say congratulations on doing well in school and on your SAT. That is outstanding considering your circumstances and environment. It also shows the depth of your character and your ability to rise above the problems and issues in your life.

There are some things that you need to realize in order to be successful not only in school but in life. First, realize that there are circumstances that are beyond your control. As much as you want to change them (and I know you do... I get the impression that you are someone with a big heart that wants to help others), there are some things that you simply cannot change no matter how hard you try. You are a fixer, aren't you? If you see a problem, you want to fix it. That's not a bad thing at all, just know that there are going to be issues and problems that you (or anyone else) can't fix.

Next, realize that college is a new beginning and is very different from high school. Regardless of whether you go to college close to home or far away, you will meet a new group of friends and colleagues. Most people are not going to pre-judge you based on who your parents are or what they have done. You can start with a clean, fresh slate. That being said, don't ever be ashamed of who you are. You are an example for others. There are more people out there than you realize that have the same problems and fears. You can be an inspiration to them and show that you can be better than your surroundings.

It is very important that you surround yourself with positive people. Negativity is the biggest killer of dreams and ambitions. Be around others that will encourage and support you and will focus on your accomplishments rather than your failures. And it is okay to fail -- it happens to everyone. Don't dwell on what is wrong in your life. Instead, be thankful for what is right. Don't ever let anyone tell you that you can't do something. Tune them out and don't listen. You can do whatever you set your mind to and you can be whomever you want to be. There may be some that want to judge you because of your past or who your parents are -- that is inevitable. Realize they are a VERY small portion of the people in your town, state, and country. And again, don't listen to them and don't let them bring you down.

I had a few people in my life that have told me I'll never be anybody or accomplish anything. For a while, I believed them. Until I found the strength and the courage to stop listening to them and to focus on making my dreams a reality. Is my life perfect? No, far from it. There will always be problems and struggles. I can't change that. What I can change is my attitude and my perception of those issues. I can let them be a mountain blocking my path or I can make them an anthill that I can simply step over. You can do the same thing. And by the way, for those who said I wouldn't amount to anything -- I am now a published author with a wonderful wife and beautiful children.

So, pat yourself on the back and hang in there. You'll be fine, trust me!

Quillgirl

I can relate to the amount of mental energy needed to deal with turmoil at home. It can steal your soul and your ability to motivate yourself. You must be very strong and remind yourself that your life will not always be this way. Do everything in your power to get away and be your true self, not your parent's child. Fight for your best life and don't let anyone pull you under. This is the "crawfish-bucket effect" that comes with a dysfunctional family: If you've ever observed crawfish in a bucket, you'll see that as soon as one manages to push and crawl up to the rim of the bucket, the ones in the bottom grab and hang onto its tail so that it falls back in with them. You've got to be fast and strong to get out, and I can tell from your writing that you have what it takes to break free and do well.

I agree with the poster who said such families will become more motivated to pull you under the closer you get to leaving them. I've seen it over and over and it is heartbreaking. I think finding a job as a counselor at a summer camp is an excellent idea. You can get away early and be in a positive environment, and have an adventure. Go away to college and don't let anything stop you. Keep telling yourself that your current situation is temporary, you are strong and worth fighting for, and you will become the person you choose to become. You are powerful and you are smart. Prove everyone in your community wrong. Show them that you are not your parents.

Others have risen up from the same place as you, and I know you can do it too. Face into the wind and keep walking! Everyday another step in a new direction. And do talk to someone (an adult) you trust and who can support you: a teacher, a counselor, a friend's parent, a minister. A compassionate, wise adult can offer you counsel that your parents aren't capable of giving and can keep you strong.

hmom5

I've worked with many kids who have backgrounds similar to your for 25 years, and no matter how long I do I'll never fully understand how kids like you do what you do despite your surroundings.

Know that by coming out of this environment the way you have means success is going to happen for you. Just keep marching forward because you can clearly handle whatever life throws at you.

Reach out for all the support you can when you get to college. Good luck, but it's your tenacity that will see you through.

dontworrybehappy

Please realize that you are not alone and that Senior year can feel endless especially for those who have worked so hard for so long. I recommend that you take the advice of the poster that suggested you take it a day at a time or 15 minutes at a time. I also recommend that you reach out to people and let them know what is going on in your life. Oftentimes teachers have no idea about the deep suffering of some of their students because these very same students seem so capable. If you can, take a risk and ask for help. I think that you will be surprised by how much people want to help you if you are open. By the way, college WILL definitely be much better than high school, so hang in there!

pumpkin5

dukeletter-
Congratulations on your accomplishments! You have much to be thankful for - God is at work in your life because he has bigger plans for your life! Please seek the counsel of a pastor in your area. But really, you need look no further for guidance, than the Direct access you have through Jesus Christ. Think of the blessings you have been given already - preservation from danger, your health, liberty, the ability to see, hear, speak, think, and imagine - all this comes from the hand of God. Jesus said, "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." Matthew 11:28
God bless you

shalala_lala_la

wow i know how you feel. my parents are absolutely horrible, I don't want to spend any time at home and then when I am i cannot concentrate. getting through school now is really tough. and im torn between going to my dream schools (if i get in) and going where I get a free ride because I dont want any involvement with them after I graduate.

hmm i often get a trash bag and fill it it with stuff from my room that i dont really need anymore (or clothes to donate) when it gets too hard to concentrate... kind of like preparing to clean out when I go away for good. hang in there, and try to have some fun in the meantime!

Mom4X

You sound awesome! You have come this far, do not give up now! When you get to school, start to create your own 'family' by surrounding yourself with people who actually appreciate you for the preson you are. There are lots of on campus summer jobs, too, so check them out once you get comfortable on campus and you may never have to go home again. You can also establish yourself as legally independant. Someday, however, you may be able to look at your family objectively, and realize they did a crappy job as parents because THEIR parents were not so hot either. It does not mean you excuse their actions, but it may help you to understand them a little more and realize it has nothing to do with you or who you are. Never take the blame for any of their bad behavior. The tendancy to compulsive behavior, alcohol, drugs, etc, tends to be a genetic factor, so be extra careful yourself not to fall into the partying mode to escape the crap at home, or to cope in a new environment at school. Godspeed - you are amazing just the way you are!

HeartArt

Dukeletter, the wisdom and advice on this thread is excellent. This idea also might help: when you are the child, the adults have all the power and make decisions that you have little choice in. But now you are becoming the adult and you will finally have the power to chart the course of your life and create who you will be. It is a simple but empowering thought. Guilt can be overwhelming when you are the "normal" one in a dysfunctional situation. But you have a right to be sane and happy and whole. Claim the power to create the life you want in college and beyond. Best wishes!