I like my close friend...a lot

PatrickStar · 05-09-2009, 05:20 AM

So, I am in a major tiff at the moment. I realize that I really like a close friend of mine. But yeah, so her and I have been friends for 3 years and we became extremely close over the past year. We hang out and keep in touch a lot and we're basically like brother and sister. So, today, she was telling me over dinner about how she's sort of seeing a couple of guys she met at a club and I got extremely jealous and I sort of realized that I actually really like her. Her thing with the two guys isn't serious at all and i don't think it will go anywhere(Hopefully). My dilemma though is that I don't know how to approach this situation. I really don't want to ruin my friendship with her because I really enjoy hanging out with her and I truly value her as a friend. I think I like her because we have a lot in common and I just wish I could meet a girl like her. I would tell her I like her, but she always tells me how she doesn't go for younger guys(i'm 1 year younger than her) and at the moment she isn't really looking for anything serious anyway. We talk about relationship stuff a lot and i'm pretty sure she wouldn't normally go for a guy like me.

So yeah, I don't know what to do. I really need some help with this. I hate to admit it, but i'm jealous of these guys shes seeing now and I can't stop thinking about it. I don't want to ruin my friendship with her. I've never been in a situation where I liked a girl where things would never really work out, so I don't know what to do. I really care about her regardless and I just want to be able to stay sane through all of this and not lose a close friend...

petrosbasileus · 05-09-2009, 05:44 AM

Oh, well this is interesting. I just got done (a few days ago, and a few months before that, as well, and with the same person!) doing that very thing: talking about how I felt with someone that had already given hints she was not interested (sometimes not even hints, but, you know, rather succinct and direct statements). And it redounded only to my detriment--both times. Now, to be sure, I won't have a chance at a third, which I reckon is a good thing, all things considered. Nevertheless, do NOT tell her. If you treasure your friendship and your ability to talk without awkwardness straining your every word, then please suppress the urge and keep on being friends. Trust me.

dontno · 05-09-2009, 08:25 AM

I have a feeling you're in the dreaded friend zone.

I'd propose silence. I imagine this friendship is very important to you and you shouldn't risk it.

PatrickStar · 05-09-2009, 12:22 PM

yeah good point. Ironically, I was in a similar situation with her roommate a while back. We were like best friends and I liked her and although she didn't do anything to indicate she would never go for me....i told her i liked her and she didn't feel the same way about me and our friendship basically died. It was weird though, because as soon as my friendship with this girls roommate died me and her became really close, like almost immediately actually.

What I think is the most difficult part of this for me though is the fact that we spend so much time together. I'll hang out with her for a while and i'll be fine while i'm with her, but afterwards I just can't stop thinking about her. On top of that, I'm having an extremely difficult time not being jealous right now. I think i'm just sad because circumstances are whats stopping this from materializing. I'm younger than her, she calls me her brother, and we're just really close friends. These guys she met at the club are older, they're apparently extremely good looking(one is a model), and they supposedly have lots of money. They're jerks...and i'm pretty sure i'm really good to her all the time(not to sound conceited), so i guess thats why i'm so peeved by all of this.

gprime · 05-09-2009, 12:33 PM

Speaking as one whose found myself in a similar position twice, I'm going to have to agree with dontno. You're stuck in the friends zone. What that means is choosing to either cut your losses and stop seeing her in any capacity, or accepting your doomed status as a friend.

PatrickStar · 05-09-2009, 12:47 PM

Yeah i guess i'm gonna make sure to never tell her and try to get over it quietly. I think its just hard because of the guys she seeing. Otherwise i would be able to drop it easily.

petrosbasileus · 05-09-2009, 07:38 PM

It's sad, PatrickStar, but at the end of the day, the question you need to ask yourself is, is it better to still have your friendship and have to keep it bottled up or to tell her and have it come between you? I'll tell you, in hindsight, I wish I would've just kept quiet.

PatrickStar · 05-10-2009, 05:22 AM

So here's another complication to all of this. Our friendship is kind of an odd one....we sort of act like we're in a relationship even though we aren't and even though she doesn't like me. Like we do a lot of relationship like stuff. I don't know what to make of that.

Alone · 05-10-2009, 06:25 AM

Quote:

Like we do a lot of relationship like stuff. I don't know what to make of that.

I know what you are talking about

. In reality, there is no strict difference between gf and a "female friend".

dontno · 05-10-2009, 06:27 AM

I surmise she probably knows you like her. While she likely doesn't reciprocate your feelings (I'm basing this on what you've said), it boosts her ego to note your affections towards her. The "relationship" ploy is merely her reminding herself that you like her since you're so willing to play along.

I'm sorry for being so honest, but I'd really recommend you just forget about it. Just be happy that you can spend so much time with such a great person. If it's a brother-sister vibe, it probably won't happen.

BeKindRewind · 05-12-2009, 11:12 PM

Definitely in the friend zone partner.

Quote:

but she always tells me how she doesn't go for younger guys(i'm 1 year younger than her) and at the moment she isn't really looking for anything serious anyway.

That's definitely just an excuse. If a girl is attracted to the guy, younger or not, looking for a serious relationship or not, she WILL go for him.

Now some advice for the next time you find a girl you like:

1) Be confident.
2) Express interest from the very beginning to avoid the friend zone.
3) Don't be too chatty and talk about "friend" stuff.
4) Be flirty!! <--- key.

You are truly the best thing that can happen to a girl, and you have to believe it!

the_prestige · 05-13-2009, 07:00 AM

1) Rent or buy "When Harry Met Sally"
2) Rewind the restaurant fake "O" scene a few times
3) Realize that men and women can never truly "be friends"
4) Realize that Meg Ryan was once pretty hot

raz · 05-14-2009, 10:24 PM

Can't help you there, I don't have feelings. Including sensory feelings. Which is why I sometimes painlessly chop a bit of my flesh off for supper when I don't have enough cash for the supermarket.

UnleashedFury · 05-15-2009, 06:33 PM

I used to be in the "friend zone" with my girlfriend. I'm not good at giving advice, but basically you should try to be more flirty.

There are wrong ways to go about it though. Don't suddenly act different. It should be a gradual but distinct change in your behavior. There's no use in doing anything if it's so subtle she doesn't notice. At the same time you don't want to go overboard. Once you do this try to see how she reacts to your change. If she reciprocates and flirts back, just keep it up for a while so you know for sure, and ask her out. If she seems turned off or uncomfortable, back off and, like everyone said, stay friends with her.

PatrickStar · 05-22-2009, 11:31 PM

Hey guys, thanks for all the advice and sorry for this late response! So, i took into account everything you guys were saying and figured i would just stay friends and not mess anything up...but something strange started happening. So, we generally get lunch/hang out at the same time every week...and its weird because if i ever flake on that she thinks theres something wrong and she asks me. AND, if i ever don't respond promptly to text messages/calls, she thinks theres something wrong too. Do you think this means anything?