theunforgiven

In my freshman year, after the death of my grandfather, we went to the village where he had lived. I decided to be something like an element of change there, so I decided to find work there. I worked in absolutely decrepit workplaces with amazing people. after 3 months, I came back to the city, but instead of moving back in, I rented a two-room flat, a floor above my parents' house, who owned the building. I started a tutoring firm and did a part time job at a DVD store, which gave me enough money to pay rent, and enough start up money to start a youth organization. (i still had food at my parents' but renting my own place gave me a feeling of independence)
The main thing that I want to imply/talk about is my drive to be the best I could be and make my mark, all of which started after that trip, during which I had some sort of an epiphany (sounds cliche but it's not actually).

Would this be too risky or something?

Snowdog

Sounds excellent to me

pwcpeng

It doesn't sound risky or controversial in the least, but it does sound cliche. As someone who has read thousands of college admissions essays, this story feels tired. That said, if you can write about it in an emotional and impactful way, that's all that matters. You don't have to write about a unique experience, you just have to write about it in a unique way.

theunforgiven

I'm so sorry. I didn't mean controversial or risky in that way. I meant would it seem as though I'm pushing my story too much, trying to show that I'm the top notch college type student?

I was thinking of using this experience as just a canvas, and paint a picture of me above it. i.e my charecterestics/mannerisms/feelings would be more important than the experience in the essay, which may be treated as secondary. Would that be good?

ADad

The idea of "Show, Don't Tell" is to allow the reader to infer, figure out your character without you stating it in so many words.

Show, don't tell

There is excellent advice here:

Essays, Admission Information, Undergraduate Admission, U.Va.

onetecsolution

Its amazing dear, there is nothing like risky in this topic but if as i share my opinion so i found this very informative.The description you gave here is amazing and sounds so good.