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In desperate need of any HELP for my Essay!

kathareukathareu Posts: 3Registered User New Member
edited May 2012 in College Essays
hey guys!
I really need you to look over my short essay for the CommonApp...
I appreciate any comments, criticisms, opinions and thoughts!
PLEASE help me ! :)

here it is....


- A range of academic interests, personal perspectives, and life experiences adds much to the educational mix. Given your personal background, describe an experience that illustrates what you would bring to the diversity in a college community, or an encounter that demonstrated the importance of diversity to you. -



Very early I have recognised that studying abroad and living independently in an international, diverse environment is the life I aim for. I see it as an excellent opportunity to meet students from all over the world, learn from and become enriched by their various cultures backgrounds. For todays students who grow up in such a globalised world, who may play a leading, world affecting role in a decade or two, I see it as extremely important to be open-minded in every context, autonomous and developed by the loads of experiences one can gain from the diversity provided by the internationality of todays college communities and the college education per se.

This is solely one reason why I have decided to go away from safe, comfortable home and attend a boarding school many miles away from the familiar environment at the age of twelve. I can say that it has been one of the hardest but also most valuable experiences in my short lifetime I was privileged enough to make. Besides the excellent education, on which I have always laid my focus as an ambitious and curious student, the german elite boarding school Salem supplied me with, I gained lots of experiences through the international community and extracurricular activities I absolved. The volunteer work at a kindergarden for children of socially deprived families, fencing lessons, the work at a carpentry, weekly churchgoings and being the leader of the schools hockey team has formed me to a critical, open-minded and highly motivated person. Also the crude living situation has only made me tougher. Those experiences have again verified me in my plan of life and that is a major reason why I want to move away from my home country and am agog to enrich myself with the loads of experiences I can gather from the chance to attend a good university.

As a result of my experiences, I am a highly enthusiastic, international, team-oriented student who would perfectly fit in and contribute to the diversity of a college community.
Post edited by kathareu on

Replies to: In desperate need of any HELP for my Essay!

  • wmurphy126wmurphy126 Posts: 340Registered User Member
    Wait, I'm confused... Did you go abroad to boarding school? When you said "many miles away", I immediately thought in the double digits (ie, in state). That could just be me, though. But if it was another country, I'd think thousands of miles. That's just my perception.
  • Fermat25Fermat25 Posts: 284Registered User Junior Member
    I have to say that your essay is, in my opinion, entirely too typical. I recommend writing about something that won't be highlighted elsewhere (which a boarding school would be on ECs or elsewhere.) My advice on this Common App essay is always to never talk about achievements if you can help it. Express your thoughts, ideas, etc. instead. To give you an idea, I wrote mine about a physics teacher who amazed me with his intellect. It was about him, not me, although I included a little about what I learned and could indirectly express my views on math/science through explaining why I thought he was so awesome.

    Your essay isn't terrible. I found it interesting to read, but I wouldn't be caught by it if I was working on an admissions committee. You also have some grammatical and structural errors in this essay that need addressed if you end up using it. Find an English teacher at your school for this; they were always willing to help me.
  • momacitamomacita Posts: 49Registered User Junior Member
    I agree with Fermat. Your essay is too typical and I hate to say it comes across as somewhat boring. You have an incredible story to tell. You left your home at age 12 to study abroad ?! This is what you need to focus on. You are a US citizen who studied in Germany, right? I would start it with something along the lines of......

    Twelve years old...an age of innocence...an age where most girls are trying their best to fit in. Girls are typically concerned with friends, boys, school, sports, and family. I guess in that sense there is no such thing as typical in my world as I left the comforts of my home at age twelve to study abroad in Germany.....

    OR.....

    Getting off the airplane that day was both exciting and terrifying. I had no idea what to expect. My world was about to change. Here I was at the ripe old age of twelve, starting a new life in a new country by myself. I was fortunate to have been given the opportunity to study abroad in Germany and I would do whatever I could to make the best of the experience....

    Do you see the difference? Granted my two introductions need work and they are not ready to go by any means (just quickly put together off the top of my head) but they do hook the reader right away. You have to grab the reader's attention.

    Oh and there are quite a few grammatical errors and a spelling error in your essay so make sure to get it checked and re-checked and then checked again for errors. You only get one chance to make a first impression - don't waste it. Sorry if I'm sounding harsh. I'm trying to help. Please don't take it personal. You've got good info in your essay but it needs to be "jazzed-up!" Good luck.
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