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Read my personal statement for UC prompt #1?

bundlesofjuulesbundlesofjuules Posts: 13Registered User New Member
edited November 2012 in College Essays
I know applications aren't due for another 4-5 months, but I just want to get started. I did put thought into this but not as much as this is only a rough draft. However, I'd really like some feedback and revisions...I know I need A LOT of it. I know UC personal statements take many drafts. Thanks in advance!(:

Prompt #1: Describe the world you come from — for example, your family, community or school — and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

I made up my own imaginary father as a child. I told all of my friends that he was a famous pilot who would take me with him to travel around the world. He was like a celebrity among my friends; in fact, I was one of those "cool kids" because of my "father." I knew that one day, they would all want to meet them. That day came when an annual Father and Daughter Dance took place at my elementary school as part of the SAS 2nd Grade activities. I remember being the only girl who did not attend. The next day, most of my friends came up to me to ask where I was and I brushed it off, saying that he was busy flying airplanes. I remember coming home crying and whining to my grandma about how I needed to know who and where my father was. It never bothered me that I had never met my father until then. From that point on, I always used that as an excuse to be upset and cry.
I have memories of watching commercials about fathers teaching their daughters how to ride bicycles or scenes in movies where the father teaches his daughter how to swim to the other side of the pool. I would always run to my room and cry. I remember always asking my family, "where's my daddy?" only to be ignored. In the events where teachers assign the students to make Father Day gifts for their fathers, I would always be the one to sit there doing something else. I would be jealous of my half siblings when their dad would buy Jamba Juice for them and not for me. I cried when my mom and stepdad took my half siblings to San Diego Zoo while I was at home with my grandparents. When I came over my mom and stepdad's house once and ate a cookie, my half siblings told me, "our dad bought us that so you can't eat all of it." I felt like it was always my fault, that because I did not have a father, my mother did not love me because she had her own family. I felt different from everyone else.
Eighth grade culmination came, and I had a hunch no one would come to attend it. My grandparents dropped me off in the morning and left. When I grabbed my Certificate of Completion from the principal, my family members, including my mother and stepdad screamed out my name while my aunt and uncles took pictures and videos, and my grandparents were waving flowers and balloons. I stood there in awe as a hundred of things came across my mind. While I was too busy pitying myself all those years, I lost sense of what was most important. It actually didn't matter what I didn't have because what I did have outweighed everything else. My grandparents still took care of me despite so many financial setbacks, and my mother did love me or else she wouldn't have worked so hard as a manicurist to earn money and care for my half-siblings and I.
I was born without a father. It states "Unknown" where the father's name should be on my birth certificate. I have never met him; neither has my mother or anyone else. I would say the old and generic statement, "it was hard growing up without a father," but to me, it actually turned out to be a blessing. There are times where I wished I had my father around, but who needs one when I have so many other family members around? I have yet to learn how to ride a bike or swim across the pool; but I have learned so many other things.
Post edited by bundlesofjuules on

Replies to: Read my personal statement for UC prompt #1?

  • StanfordOneDayStanfordOneDay Posts: 328Registered User Member
    ^ I just cried. This is beautiful. A little rough around the edges, but you have plenty of time to perfect it. BEST WISHES!
  • StanfordOneDayStanfordOneDay Posts: 328Registered User Member
    Make sure you show how this has shaped your dreams and aspirations like the prompt says.
  • digmediadigmedia Posts: 2,898Registered User Senior Member
    Great start. I had some tears too!
  • wonlilaznboiwonlilaznboi Posts: 42Registered User Junior Member
    it sounded like a sob story, it was well written, however i think it focuses more on your dad more than you in some points. You should focus more on why and how the lack of your father shaped you.
  • expertexpert Posts: 1Registered User New Member
    I think your essay is great, although you need to change it in places for UCs, it would make a great private college essay. Or common app essay on topic of your choice. It's about you alright.
  • r3vmixmanr3vmixman Posts: 16Registered User New Member
    It was nice to read your essay. Being that the UC application due date is right around the corner, I thought I'd add some input. The first two paragraphs are keepers (the 1st more so than the 2nd). The last two paragraphs seems a bit rushed.

    Also how has the experience of not having a father, shaped who you are? Maybe, put something along the lines of, since my family has done so much to make me feel loved without a father, I want to continue making them proud by pursuing my dream of (something specific).

    Good luck.
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