BronagedxD

Hey everyone,

I was wondering if you all could read and critique my UC Personal Statement. Thanks in advance!

Prompt: Describe the world you come from -for example, your family, community, or school- and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

Word Count: 637


Which path did I take? My world takes on both sides of the spectrum- my dad’s side being more of the artistic and creative end, and my mother’s side heavily weighted towards medicine and health. My paternal grandfather was a renowned artist and painter within his influential sphere in Shanghai, China. As for my maternal grandfather and grandmother, they were also important figures in Shanghai, both being medical doctors and professors. I mention this because the completely opposite backgrounds of my family truly influenced and shaped my goals and dreams that I presently work so hard to one day accomplish.
Although my options of future pursuit were not limited to those two interests alone, I knew I wanted to strive towards either one of those directions. One of the reasons why I chose the path I wanted to pursue was, in part, because of my older sibling, whose thoughts and motives were shaped by the creative and artistic side of my family. Initially majoring in biology at University of California San Diego, he transferred as a second year to University of Southern California as critical studies major, where he could express his innate love for film and pursue his ultimate dream of becoming a director. My brother chose the path that was right for him, and this helped me understand that I need to persist and do all that I can to follow up with my personal dreams. I want to be able to express my own inborn interest, my own passion for the human body. His decision of abandoning the major that was the center of my interests affected me in a way that now my desire and zeal to achieve my goal of becoming a physician is greater than ever.

The job of a physician means much more to me than a conventional occupation or a typical vocation that results in riches. The role models of my life helped me reach this epiphany and I have come to realize that this truly is the path I want to devote my life to. I want to help people and diagnose patients the same way my grandparents did for me. I want to hold the revered knowledge of the human body and utilize my strengths for the benefit of others. Seeing my grandparents work at the clinic aiding the sick or even at home helping the family when flu season hits has made me optimistic and altruistic. The goodwill of their actions impacted and shaped me into the outgoing, benevolent person I am today. When I see an ailing person, I look past his or her inanimate posture or composure; instead, I acknowledge his or her potential to get better. Almost every Saturday, I spend all the time I can with my grandparents to ask questions and share thoughts about human biology. With every passing second that I spend with them, my interest and enthusiasm grows exponentially. Discussing and talking about my future focus of study fills me with pride and accomplishment, knowing that I am following the footsteps of my much admired grandparents.

My grandparents, whose happiness and powerful knowledge reflect hard work and dedication over the span of many years, are the main sources of inspiration to me personally. A big part of my dream is to become a successful physician, but I also want to be the grandfather who motivates and inspires his grandchildren to strive for the best and to give them a sense of guidance towards their dreams. A surge of responsibility pervades within me, knowing that my grandparents have done their job, and now it is time to do mine. With an excellent education, a prestigious atmosphere, and a strong mindset of priorities, I know that I can fulfill my dreams and aspirations to ultimately live a prominent and influential life.

Kurtlin

"Which path did I take? My world takes on both sides of the spectrum- my dad’s side being more of the artistic and creative end, and my mother’s side heavily weighted towards medicine and health. My paternal grandfather was a renowned artist and painter within his influential sphere in Shanghai, China. As for my maternal grandfather and grandmother, they were also important figures in Shanghai, both being medical doctors and professors. I mention this because the completely opposite backgrounds of my family truly influenced and shaped my goals and dreams that I presently work so hard to one day accomplish.
Although my options of future pursuit were not limited to those two interests alone, I knew I wanted to strive towards either one of those directions. One of the reasons why I chose the path I wanted to pursue was, in part, because of my older sibling, whose thoughts and motives were shaped by the creative and artistic side of my family. Initially majoring in biology at University of California San Diego, he transferred as a second year to University of Southern California as critical studies major, where he could express his innate love for film and pursue his ultimate dream of becoming a director. My brother chose the path that was right for him, and this helped me understand that I need to persist and do all that I can to follow up with my personal dreams. I want to be able to express my own inborn interest, my own passion for the human body. His decision of abandoning the major that was the center of my interests affected me in a way that now my desire and zeal to achieve my goal of becoming a physician is greater than ever. "

you might hate me for saying this, but trust me... DELETE this part. Your college of choice doesn't care about your family's interests. They want to hear about you.

"The job of a physician means much more to me than a conventional occupation or a typical vocation that results in riches. The role models of my life helped me reach this epiphany and I have come to realize that this truly is the path I want to devote my life to. I want to help people and diagnose patients the same way my grandparents did for me. I want to hold the revered knowledge of the human body and utilize my strengths for the benefit of others. Seeing my grandparents work at the clinic aiding the sick or even at home helping the family when flu season hits has made me optimistic and altruistic. The goodwill of their actions impacted and shaped me into the outgoing, benevolent person I am today. When I see an ailing person, I look past his or her inanimate posture or composure; instead, I acknowledge his or her potential to get better. Almost every Saturday, I spend all the time I can with my grandparents to ask questions and share thoughts about human biology. With every passing second that I spend with them, my interest and enthusiasm grows exponentially. Discussing and talking about my future focus of study fills me with pride and accomplishment, knowing that I am following the footsteps of my much admired grandparents.

My grandparents, whose happiness and powerful knowledge reflect hard work and dedication over the span of many years, are the main sources of inspiration to me personally. A big part of my dream is to become a successful physician, but I also want to be the grandfather who motivates and inspires his grandchildren to strive for the best and to give them a sense of guidance towards their dreams. A surge of responsibility pervades within me, knowing that my grandparents have done their job, and now it is time to do mine. With an excellent education, a prestigious atmosphere, and a strong mindset of priorities, I know that I can fulfill my dreams and aspirations to ultimately live a prominent and influential life."

This portion of the essay is great. It has a precise beginning. It gets straight to the point and hits every point you are trying to make. Not to mention it is much more effective in such a shorter span. Im not sure what the prompt recommends but 600+ words is a bit ridiculous for a college essay. The beginning is all over the place. By the second paragraph you have decided what aspect of your world you wish to write about:your grandparents and how they have influenced your direction in life.

BronagedxD

Thank you so much for your suggestions! I really appreciate the time and effort you put in to read my essay. I will definitely keep in mind what you've said, and I agree that the first paragraph is really messy and is merely fluff. Please let me know if you have any more comments!

certifiedprem3d

An Asian guy/girl that wants to be a doctor eh? Refreshing...lol jk...that's not important. I'm Asian too, so I hope you don't get too offended haha. In all seriousness, I agree with Kurtlin, be more direct with the first paragraph.

Instead of writing all that stuff about your family, make it more about you, the other paragraphs seem solid though. I'd post more but I'm too tired haha sorry. I think you're on the right track though so keep on keeping on.

Good luck with your journey,

from another future doctor

BronagedxD

HAHA well, we're both headed towards the same direction! Anyways thanks for your suggestions! I'm wondering if I should edit the first paragraph or completely scratch it... do you have any pointers?

Maybe when you aren't as tired, perhaps leave a more detailed post? It would be much appreciated

Also, if you don't mind, I'd love to read your personal statement sometime!

Kurtlin

Your welcome like I said, the second paragraph is great. Keep working with it to get it just perfect. I think you should start with that one and maybe put in some more descriptive details. From what I've heard, college essay readers hate fluff. They want you to get with the point and show who you really are. The more concise, the better.
I also find that when i write my essays, it helps to go back over and delete any arbitrary words or phrases. It gives me more room to expand the ideas in my essay without making it too long. Put yourself in the place of your reader

BronagedxD

Describe the world you come from — for example, your family, community or school — and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.
Word Count: 483


The job of a physician means much more to me than a conventional occupation or a typical vocation that results in riches. The role models of my life helped me reach this epiphany and I have come to realize that this truly is the path I want to devote my life to. I want to help people and diagnose patients the same way my grandparents did for me. I want to hold the revered knowledge of the human body and utilize my strengths for the benefit of others. Seeing my grandparents work at the clinic aiding the sick or even at home helping the family when flu season hits has made me optimistic and altruistic. The goodwill of their actions impacted and shaped me into the outgoing, benevolent person I am today. When I see an ailing person, I look past his or her inanimate posture or composure; instead, I acknowledge his or her potential to get better. Almost every Saturday, I spend all the time I can with my grandparents to ask questions and share thoughts about human biology. With every passing second that I spend with them, my interest and enthusiasm grows exponentially. Discussing and talking about my future focus of study fills me with pride and accomplishment, knowing that I am following the footsteps of my much admired grandparents.

Incorporated with those biological discussions I have with my grandparents are lectures on philosophy. Each story they tell, each little anecdote they describe to me influences me to think in a different perspective. I learned to think critically and analytically with an open mind, nonetheless, to new ideas and viewpoints. The philosophical quotes and lessons have allowed me to gain insight as to what my main priorities are and how I should go about expanding my intelligence. I took in all that my grandfather threw at me, who often reminded me that goals and accomplishments are bridged by discipline. Applying these themes of life and learning from them provides me with the greatest sense of gratitude and admiration. A mindset of perseverance and determination is constantly being refreshed as I slowly inch closer and closer to my aspirations.

My grandparents, whose happiness and powerful knowledge reflect hard work and dedication over the span of many years, are the main sources of inspiration to me personally. A big part of my dream is to become a successful physician, but I also want to be the grandfather who motivates and inspires his grandchildren to strive for the best and to give them a sense of guidance towards their dreams. A surge of responsibility pervades within me, knowing that my grandparents have done their job, and now it is time to do mine. With an excellent education, a prestigious atmosphere, and a strong mindset of priorities, I know that I can fulfill my dreams and aspirations to ultimately live a prominent and influential life.


This is my edited essay, applying your wonderful advice that you provided a while back. Feedback is much appreciated!!