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College Essay Tip

Dionram28Dionram28 Posts: 17Registered User New Member
edited November 2012 in College Essays
Hi CC,
Can someone please look over my college essay and give me feedback. Much response is needed and appreciated. Thank you.

Have you ever thought about the reasons that things happen in our lives? Whether it is good or bad, life always hands us complicated situations to overcome every day, and the only way surpass these situations is by thinking outside of the box. Currently, I am trying as much as I can to derive at a “wow” essay that would captivate the attention of my audience, you, the admissions committee. To be honest, you hold the key to my future, and with a simple flip of a page, you can either deny or hopefully accept me, making or breaking my future. I am merely a participant in a battle against all other applicants in a war of sweat, tears, and words, to capture your attention, receive your appraisal, as one of the few victors of this war.
Originally, I was submitting my essay on how I worked on improving myself as a person, but after several failed attempts, I grew frustrated at trying to accomplish this task of resenting my elation over the changes and growth I underwent. You might think that this essay is just another kid attempting to gain admission by showing their improvement as a person. In reality, that is why I doubted whether I should submit my essay pertaining to the topic previously stated. Since I started the college essay phase, I realized that everything I write is used as criterion for judgment. If I submitted an essay about how I improved, would you be as interested as you are now? Would you have been in shock, grinning ear to ear, or would you have been ready to place it in the deferred pile? Well, to satisfy your curiosity, here is my original essay that would have been submitted:
Gaining admission into an Ivy League school, obtaining a job with an exceptional salary, living a life of luxury and being successful in life, are all common answers to questions relating to personal goals. However, when I was faced with that question, my answer was far from that league. I have always wanted to be a more sociable person, whom, upon meeting new people did not run out of things to say or not even know where to begin a conversation. A memorable example of my social awkwardness occurred on the train. One day I was waiting at the train station for the Downtown A Train when a Downtown C Train filled to capacity with no room to breathe came to a stop. Facing me were two of the most profound examples of pulchritude I have ever laid eyes on. When the train doors opened, one of the girls, around my age glanced over at me and began to look at me from head to toe, and immediately I was terrified. What could she be looking at, was it my shoes, my clothes, my hair, was my fly undone, did I spill food on myself? The possibilities were endless, and only to make matters worse, she decided to accompany her eye movements with a flirty smile and a wave. Now I had no idea how to respond to that, I was completely dumbfounded. Instantly, I thought why not wave back, however, that opportunity that life seems to hand you only once suddenly vanished with two beeps, the signal that the train doors were closing. Before I could form a word with my mouth, the train was on its way and that window on the door with that girl behind it suddenly vanished from my life completely. Why didn’t I wave back? That was the only question running through my mind, since it was the opportunity I was awaiting to change my social awkwardness; however, I completely blew my chances.
From this experience, I learned a lesson that changed my life completely. I decided that I never wanted an opportunity to pass me by again, so I decided from now on, I would become a more sociable person. I never really thought I would want to be classified as the cheerful person who was always open to meeting new people and starting engaging conversations, but an experience during one of my volunteer activities completely changed my mind. I volunteer at my church one Saturday of the month at a food drive for the senior citizens, where they make their way to the church, to be served by myself and a few other staff members of food that we prepared ourselves. Usually, I would just be blunt with my duties, serve with the forced smile, trying to avoid all conversations, especially since older people draw you into conversations with no escape. One Saturday, I decided to do things a little differently, and greet everyone that entered the door with a friendly Hi or Good Morning, and in addition to that, I sat down with a few seniors and had a full-fledged conversation throughout their meal.
Ever since that day, I realized I have reached some sort of euphoria, because, it was a great feeling that filled the rest of my day with delight, knowing that I was that one person that was memorable by adding a friendly verbal gesture to their day. Although at times, people responded to my friendly gestures with awkward stares, smiles, or more commonly looks, and retreating back to being the socially awkward child I once was would seemed like the easiest choice to make in that situation, I decided not to do things the easy way, but the right way.
After reading this essay, did you find yourself in shock or amazement? You probably did not, but don’t get me wrong, I am not unsure of myself, however, I just believe that there is no essay that I can write to sell myself to you completely. However, I know that whatever the outcome of this war is, I know that I have grown as a person and I will continue to grow, because I want to reach those euphoric feelings more often.



-Dion
Post edited by Dionram28 on

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