College Confidential
» CC HOME » FORUM HOME

  College Confidential > College Admissions and Search > College Essays
New User

Welcome to College Confidential!
The leading college-bound community on the web
Join for FREE now, and start talking with other members, weighing in on community polls, and more.

Also, by registering and logging in you'll see fewer ads and pesky welcome messages (like this one)!
Discussion Menu
»Discussion Home
»Help & Rules
»Latest Posts
»NEW! CampusVibe™
»Stats Profiles
Top Forums
»College Chances
»College Search
»College Admissions
»Financial Aid
»SAT/ACT
»Parents
»Colleges
»Ivy League
Main CC Site
»College Confidential
»College Search
»College Admissions
»Paying for College
Sponsors
SuperMatch - The Future of College Search!
CampusVibe - Almost As Good As A Campus Visit!
Reply
 
Thread Tools
Old 11-09-2012, 11:36 PM   #1
Junior Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 32
C&C on My Essay

Any Comments, Criticism, or Suggestions is greatly accepted!

I chose the topic of writing about a person who influenced you...its exactly 500 words.

Some books such as The Stranger and To Kill a Mockingbird have themes deeply entrenched in them about moral education installed upon a child at a young age, sticking with them throughout childhood and their adult life. Although I’ve read both works of literature, I didn’t need them to learn about the before mentioned theme. I experienced it with my own eyes.
At six months old I met the most influential person in my life. My mom put me into ‘Kiddie Land Day Care’, after a recommendation from my Aunt because my cousin was also attending there. My parents work long hours, and I was often at the day care for as many hours as I spent back at home. The day care provider was a lady by the name of Carol Ludden, who was assisted by her husband Billy. Carol was an angel; there is no other way around it. I can’t even think of a negative thing to say about her if I tried.
She taught me a plethora of things that I still use today. There are various examples that I still keep in the back of my mind to this day. One day while I was in the playroom, I was bouncing around a foam ball. I’ve always been into sports, even at the age of four I was enrolled in both baseball and soccer. The ball was entertaining me. Another kid who was there took my ball and wouldn’t give it back no matter how much I insisted. I wanted to hit him so bad, even though he was a few years older than me and would have probably made me regret anything disruptive I did. Carol told me to not worry about it and brought me into another room. She told me; “There are always alternatives to have fun”.
Carol was very instrumental in my education as well. I never attended preschool, but was way ahead of other students once I enrolled in elementary school. In third grade, when the teacher was first introducing multiplication, we had a quiz of 100 questions to do in 10 minutes. Everyone in the class got a 60 or less. I got a 99 on my quiz; I knew multiplication since four years old.
Mrs. Ludden also had a reward system, where if you did errands around the house you would earn stars, and when I registered enough stars, Carol would take me out to buy a toy. It showed me at a young age that if you put in an effort you’ll get rewarded.
I never thought I would have to live without Carol. August 24th, 2007 I was devastated. She had died. It was like losing a second mother. I consider the Ludden family, my family and still visit as much as I can. It’s amazing knowing they have my back. I would rather have Carol here to see me progress as a person, but it’s refreshing to know that she would be proud of me.



Thanks!
sjosty26 is offline   Reply   
Old 11-10-2012, 04:01 PM   #2
Junior Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 155
instead of the "before" mentioned theme, use aforementioned
f4ngz77 is offline   Reply   
Old 11-10-2012, 05:13 PM   #3
New Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 19
In all honesty, it is not very good. You misused semi-colons twice.
Quote:
Carol was an angel; there is no other way around it
Quote:
She told me; “There are always alternatives to have fun”.
You also switch back and forth from sounding pretentious to sounding colloquial, and at times it sounds like you're bragging. I suggest you work on your writing style, make this essay more about you, and show an English teacher or someone else your essay and have them help you. Best of luck.
greneroom is offline   Reply   
Reply

Bookmarks

Thread Tools



All times are GMT -4. The time now is 01:21 AM.




Copyright 2001-2011, Hobsons, Inc., All Rights Reserved