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Can anyone give me feedback on my college essay

RyanJacobRyanJacob Posts: 4Registered User New Member
edited November 2012 in College Essays
One event that has changed my life is when I tore my MCL, a tissue holding the knee together. When this happened, I had been playing soccer for ten years, and I truly enjoyed the sport. It was very important to me. At that moment, I thought my time playing soccer was over. The news the doctor gave me was devastating.
As I was waiting for the prognosis and if I would be able to play again, memories were flashing before my eyes. I did not want to hear that I was not going to play ever again. I was determined to return to soccer regardless of the amount of work it would take. Those twelve months felt like twelve years.
The realization hit me - I could barely walk, how was I supposed to run? I put in countless hours of physical therapy to try and rebuild what had been torn. I followed my therapist’s directions without fail. At my three month checkup, I had a glimmer of hope - I would have to play with a brace from my shin to about mid quad in order to play.
As time passed, and I thought I was improving, the doctor said I was at the same place as the last checkup. He said I would never fully recover from this injury. At that moment, I didn’t know what to think my life would be like without a sport. This made me work harder than ever. I doubled my workouts and asked my therapist to give me even more exercises to do. Six months came around and it was my first practice where I was cleared to play, but with a brace protecting my whole leg. It didn’t feel right and I didn’t want to play because it prevented me from playing fully.
However, I kept trying even though it didn’t feel right. I wanted to improve; I wanted to be a part of my team and my favorite sport. After a year of countless hours of training, wearing the brace and playing cautiously, I decided it was time to play without the brace and truly test my strength and everything I put into getting back to a fit condition. To my surprise, I did very well! That was the happiest moment for me because I now felt that I was back and could play again without holding back. All the hard work had paid off.
To this day, I think this injury has only had a positive impact on my life. It has taught me to never take anything for granted. This incident also taught me perseverance, hard work and a positive attitude are necessary to make things happen. Playing soccer is a big part of my life and when this injury hit me, it was devastating. As the doctor said, this injury is still with me. It has not healed all the way and never will, but I continue to exercise and work through any lingering pain.
Post edited by RyanJacob on

Replies to: Can anyone give me feedback on my college essay

  • community75community75 Posts: 46Registered User Junior Member
    Work on concise sentences. You can easily keep the meaning of some sentences without using superfluous words.
    Example: I would have to play with a brace from my shin to about mid quad in order to play.
    Fixed: I would have to play with a brace from my shin to about mid quad.
  • community75community75 Posts: 46Registered User Junior Member
    Example: The news the doctor gave me was devastating.
    Possibly better: The news was devastating.
  • community75community75 Posts: 46Registered User Junior Member
    "After a year of countless hours of training, wearing the brace and playing cautiously, I decided it was time to play without the brace and truly test my strength and everything I put into getting back to a fit condition."

    ^^Feels like a run-on sentence...I'd separate the thoughts more coherently.

    **Possible fix:
    delete - "and everything I put into getting back to a fit condition."
    At the end of the day it's your essay, but that is already implied in my opinion. I think it's a fast, easy, and harmless way to correct a run-on sentence

    delete - "a year of"
    The sentence flows better and the meaning does not change.

    Suggestion (NOT saying i'm all knowing haha)
    "After countless hours of training, wearing the brace and playing cautiously, I decided it was time to play without the brace and truly test my strength."
  • RyanJacobRyanJacob Posts: 4Registered User New Member
    All great points - thank you very much!!
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