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Can someone please review my transfer admission essay?

Trebor3093Trebor3093 Posts: 34Registered User Junior Member
edited November 2012 in College Essays
Any grammar or spelling errors? What would you change about it or keep? The essay is free topic

After arriving to this country, it was hard for me to start a conversation or go out to public places. After doing research, I found out that I suffer from a disorder called social anxiety. I decided to take a public speaking class to help me cure it. In a speech, I gave my views on the elections and the military. "Both candidates love Israel, drones, NDAA, imperialism, torture, patriot act, and the TSA" I also like how the media "forgets" to mention that there are other candidates running for the presidency that are not allowed in the debates. I thought this was the "land of the free" where everyone's voice is heard. I also mentioned the troops following any order they are given without questions. They do not see the results of their actions. When they are about to rob someone's life away, they never think "maybe this guy has a family" or "maybe he has two little kids that will hate growing up without daddy." ... heroes? How are they any different from the "terrorist" that attacked us? We need to stand up for others even if it does not affect us. Some students were angry because I gave a different opinion from their own and others loved it. I respect everyone's opinion. I learned having different views is what makes us so special and we need to respect our right to be different from others. I wish I would have taken this class earlier because social anxiety did not help my academic performance. It was hard for me to participate in class but I still did it. There is no doubt that attendance played a huge role in my performance. I would leave at 6 am and come home at around 10 pm. I received unofficial withdraws for being late to some classes. I took six courses in the summer because I wanted to undo the damage I did during my first semester by going over a 3.0 GPA. After the first three classes I raised my GPA to 2.8. After the last three classes I lowered it to 2.4. I was so frustrated with myself but I am proud I never gave up when my body and mind were telling me to stop and it shows what I would do to reach my goal. I made a gigantic mistake by overloading myself and I take full responsibility for this. Traveling to school for more than two hours and then going to work did not help. I got a job after my dad's death to help my mother pay bills. I work for the department of education as a home tutor. I love working with children more than adults. I volunteered for a few months in an organization which had me taking care of children and elders. In high school, I volunteered to help my science and math teachers with their paperwork. I am gaining experience for my future career. I want to be an English teacher. I cannot remember when I started to like reading and writing because I loved it all my life. Writing is an easier way for me to express myself. My performance on my major related courses shows my interest for English. I am also interested in cooking. I learned from an uncle who was a chef. I bet I can make any dish you want. My grandmother says, "hombres no cocinan." This past few months, I learned to do what I love and not to look for people's approval. I want to transfer to BSC because my current school does not offer the degree I want to pursue and I fell in love with it after doing research. I do not see myself going anywhere else. I will join sports or clubs like "BSC Freethinkers" to meet new people and cure my disorder. Apart from grades, I will bring diversity of mind because of my unique views on many topics. BSC is a brand new start. There is no way I can be late to any class living on campus. I am done withdrawing from classes and taking 93 courses per semester. I will focus on just 4 or 5 classes. I want to be on the top 5 EOP graduate list. I will not disappoint my family, my school and myself!
Post edited by Trebor3093 on

Replies to: Can someone please review my transfer admission essay?

  • eCoachJeneCoachJen Posts: 169Registered User Junior Member
    First, I’m sorry to hear about the extreme challenges you’ve faced at such a young age. I applaud your courage and for not giving up and continually trying.

    Here are my suggestions:

    - Focus on showing and not telling admissions of the points you want to make.

    A quick unedited example:
    On most days, I left home at 6AM. Often I caught a glimpse of the beautiful sunrise in between my shorts naps during my two-hour bus ride to school. I didn’t mind because I look forward to an education that would help me be an English teacher someday. Before I knew it, six hours of school was over and now I off to my job. I chose to work to help my mother pay bills after my father death. … Exhausted, I stepped into my home as the clock stuck 10PM.

    I’m just giving you an idea, not telling to write as it.

    - Consider focusing most of your essay on how your overcome the hardship attending school while working, and especially the long hours. Again, show, don’t tell admissions. Show them how long your day is, show them how you manage to do it day in and day out, show them how demandingly tired and how you’ve struggled and continued on, and show them the traits/characters you’ve gained from this adversity. Show them how you felt throughout the day.

    - Mention in a later paragraph (3rd or 4th paragraph) of your condition of “social anxiety” and how you force yourself to deal with it by taking a public speaking course. Show them how you felt doing an actual presentation, again, not tell.

    - Leave cooking out as this is irrelevant to your story.

    - In telling your story, give details of what is happening. Write as if you’re writing a story, stick with 1-2 very detailed stories.

    - What are the 1-3 things you want admissions to know about YOU? Every sentence in your story should focus on these things. Write a list of the things you want to share and pick 1-3 that you tell the most about you and are appropriate for admissions.

    Your list might include:
    -I face difficulties head on, no matter how tough I fought on.
    -Family is important to me. I took on the financial responsibility to help my mom.
    -Through dealing with my adversity, I’ve become mentally tough.
    - etc

    - Lastly, revise 5-10 times until you arrive at your final best draft.

    Hope this helps. Good luck! : )
  • Trebor3093Trebor3093 Posts: 34Registered User Junior Member
    WOW. thank you so very much. This is so helpful. Do you think I should keep what I said on my speech or remove it since it might be "to controversial."? If I leave it out I might not come out as being "unique" which one of the things I want to show on my essay. But I don't know if the person that will read my essay might not respect my opinion and reject me just because she doesn't agree with me (I'm not expecting her to, just expecting her to respect it)
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