First, I’m sorry to hear about the extreme challenges you’ve faced at such a young age. I applaud your courage and for not giving up and continually trying.
Here are my suggestions:
- Focus on showing and not telling admissions of the points you want to make.
A quick unedited example:
On most days, I left home at 6AM. Often I caught a glimpse of the beautiful sunrise in between my shorts naps during my two-hour bus ride to school. I didn’t mind because I look forward to an education that would help me be an English teacher someday. Before I knew it, six hours of school was over and now I off to my job. I chose to work to help my mother pay bills after my father death. … Exhausted, I stepped into my home as the clock stuck 10PM.
I’m just giving you an idea, not telling to write as it.
- Consider focusing most of your essay on how your overcome the hardship attending school while working, and especially the long hours. Again, show, don’t tell admissions. Show them how long your day is, show them how you manage to do it day in and day out, show them how demandingly tired and how you’ve struggled and continued on, and show them the traits/characters you’ve gained from this adversity. Show them how you felt throughout the day.
- Mention in a later paragraph (3rd or 4th paragraph) of your condition of “social anxiety” and how you force yourself to deal with it by taking a public speaking course. Show them how you felt doing an actual presentation, again, not tell.
- Leave cooking out as this is irrelevant to your story.
- In telling your story, give details of what is happening. Write as if you’re writing a story, stick with 1-2 very detailed stories.
- What are the 1-3 things you want admissions to know about YOU? Every sentence in your story should focus on these things. Write a list of the things you want to share and pick 1-3 that you tell the most about you and are appropriate for admissions.
Your list might include:
-I face difficulties head on, no matter how tough I fought on.
-Family is important to me. I took on the financial responsibility to help my mom.
-Through dealing with my adversity, I’ve become mentally tough.
- Lastly, revise 5-10 times until you arrive at your final best draft.
Hope this helps. Good luck! : )