Uriel1327

The topic is:You just put a message in a bottle and threw the bottle out to sea. What is the message?

This is my Introduction:
I have written a message and just had thrown it out to the sea, where one may find it and spread the great and awakening news to the people and tell them to revive the comfort food of their childhood. As a consequence of the abandonment of their comfort food they have within their hearts a world full of sorrow, despair, where happiness can’t be found or experienced no more. For they have largely left their comfort food by the wayside for one reason or another. Now they must get their pans, stoves, cooking utensils, and watery mouths prepared for the comfort food that they left, must bring back those fond memories from whence they once came. For food is not just food, but a language that has no barrier and can do much in the life of a man.

Please leave any tips on how i could better this intro and does it really give a thesis statement that answers the topic?

also i would like to know if you could help me on thinking of some few points that i could write about. I'm planning on writing a 5 paragraph essay. I would really be thankful.

THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME

eCoachJen

Here is my feedback:

- Interesting topic: comfort food.

- Consider varying sentence structures and shorter sentences. Some of these were difficult to read through, too lengthy.

- Watch out redundant words in the same paragraph. For example “comfort food” was used in all our sentences except for one.

- Start with an attention grabbing sentence. For example:
Food is not just food, but it is a language that has no barrier. Or
Revive comfort food!

- Admissions wants to know more about YOU through your essay. So write about your personal experience with comfort food. What does it mean to you? What are the comfort food for you and why? How does it make you feel? Maybe show admissions of you cooking your favorite comfort food dish. Write so that admissions can see, smell, and taste your dish.

- Remember, focus on show, don’t tell, throughout your essay.

Hope this helps. Good luck! : )

Uriel1327

Thank you for the comments before i read this help, I have changed it a lot. So I was wondering if you could check it and let me know what you think. Please include any tips if you have any, I really want to stick to the topic that they gave me to answer.

Here it is:
Wake up, open your eyes, and see why you are like that. Receive the good news and spread the awakening news to everyone to revive the comfort food of his or her childhood. As a consequence of the abandonment of your comfort food you have within your hearts a world full of sorrow, and despair, where happiness can’t be found or experienced no more. For you have largely left your comfort food by the wayside for one reason or another. Now you must get your pans, stoves, cooking utensils, and watery mouths prepared for the comfort food that you left to bring back those fond memories from whence you once came. For food is not just food, but a language that has no barrier and can do much.
It doesn’t matter where you are from or where you were born, whether it was in Scandinavia or in Beverly Hills, California, for what embellishes the person’s exhilarating happiness and positive emotions is the sparkling taste of the first bite of your childhood food.


Thanks for reading it, what im trying to bring about from this essay is that people have forgotten the true happiness of life due to the abandonment of their comfort food For in the comfort food lies within the true happines of life, it brings your life back to your childhood, where you didn't have to worry about anything. Because in the childhood people don't have to worry about worldly things for they are supported by other(parents) and thats where the real enjoyment comes from. However, people have started to lose their happiness as the world started to consume them with world. People should come back to it because even though there will always be hard and tired days, taking a bite of that comfort food reminds one of their childhood, bringing that child out once more, which is the true you, and therefore true happiness will always be with you.