Welcome to College Confidential!

The leading college-bound community on the web

Sign Up For Free

Join for FREE, and start talking with other members, weighing in on community polls, and more.

Also, by registering and logging in you'll see fewer ads and pesky welcome messages (like this one!)

As a CC member, you can:

Common App Essay Help!

joshmedranojoshmedrano Posts: 31Registered User New Member
edited November 2012 in College Essays
Hey guys, I need some suggestions/help/comments about my college essay. Please do reply to the thread if you want to read it/look over it and I'll PM you my essay. And PLEASE (again) critique, while bluntly, constructively. Thank you!
Post edited by joshmedrano on

Replies to: Common App Essay Help!

  • joshmedranojoshmedrano Posts: 31Registered User New Member
    Never mind about the full essay, but I have a question about one aspect: is the following paragraph an appropriate introduction?

    "I never dreamed of coming to America, or even traveling outside my native country, the Philippines. Maybe it is because of my friends, the economy, or even the mere fact that I have lived there, and contently so, all my life—I do not know. However, being in the United States has been my most life-altering event to date. Some have said the American Dream has died, but for me, I am have been living it for more than five years now."

    I feel that it sounds conclusive. The last two sentences, after all, were my conclusions until I decided to put it in the introduction. I figured they would introduce the whole essay more appropriately. My essay, by the way, talks about realizing the American dream by discussing "significant experiences" my family have had in living in the United States.

    This is a common app essay. If you would like to read it, I would appreciate it very much! I am applying to four state universities and one private university located in Evanston, Illinois. :)
  • eCoachJeneCoachJen Posts: 294Registered User Junior Member
    Consider starting with this sentence. I personally think it's more attention grabbing.

    Some have said the American Dream has died, but for me, I have been living it for more than five years now.

    My suggestion is to re-read each sentence in your first paragraph. Does it enhance your essay? If you removed it, does it change your message to admissions? If not, then it's not needed. Instead, replace it with a better sentence.

    Hope this helps. Good luck! : )
Sign In or Register to comment.