Can someone give feedback on my UC personal statement?
I made some revisions to my first essay.
This is for the first prompt :
Describe the world you come from — for example, your family, community or school — and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.
A pair of big, brown eyes watches intently as the veterinarians begin to operate. Precise incisions are made and internal organs can be seen. Blood seeps out from the careful cuts. These images do not faze the young girl as she continues to watch in awe. The operation goes smoothly and everyone is able to relax. The girl sighs in relief as the words Emergency Vets flash upon a screen. She had been watching a show on television and she could not wait for the commercial to be over. This brown eyed girl was me, a girl that has grown to be fascinated by the animal kingdom.
I grew up watching hours of programs on Animal Planet which always had something interesting to watch. There were shows that were fun and immersed you into the world of animals, and then there were the shows that ripped your heart out. Animal Cops: San Francisco taught me about animal cruelty. The first time I watched the show, I couldn’t believe that something so coldhearted was happening in the city that I grew up in. And not only in one city, but it was happening all over the world. I began to wonder how anyone could treat animals in such a manner, but I was glad that someone was there to help. The veterinarians and officers became my heroes. And I decided that I wanted to be like them – helping animals in any way that I could.
That brought me to where I am now: volunteering at the San Francisco SPCA. Every week, I spend hours upon hours doing something that I love. A new experience awaits me every week I return to the adoption center. I once had the chance to work with an incredibly sweet, blind dog named Milton. Due to disease, both of his eyes had to be surgically removed. I was able to go on walks with him, making sure to pick a peaceful route and we cuddled up in the courtyard, showing him off to the public. Milton stayed at the adoption center for quite a while, but was finally adopted into the perfect family. I’m glad to have worked with such an animal. Every time a new tail comes wagging up to greet me I can’t help but smile. No matter what it is I do, I know that I’m making a difference in the community. It fills me with joy seeing a dog get adopted; knowing that I helped in the process.
Aside from home and school, my world revolves around the adoption center. The opportunity to work with so many animals and people has opened my eyes to the way that humans treat animals. Not all can be saved, but my work at the SPCA has showed me that something is being done to help every single animal that comes through the doors. In the future, I intend to continue assisting people and their animals, and plan to study veterinary medicine to one day be like the veterinarians that I saw on television as a young girl.