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My Introduction

byess2011byess2011 Posts: 1Registered User New Member
edited November 2012 in College Essays
I am worried about the introduction to my essay. Im 21 and I don't want to sound young and inexperienced to the point my readers won't think Im a good source of credible information. Tell me what you think, good or bad. I wanted to start off with a good attention grabbing sentence but Im thinking of switching the first two sentences. And about my little politics joke do you think that is apropriate or too informal. Granted this is not an admissions essay just a typical 1400 word paper.


Beware of pickpockets, muggers, drug dealers, and gang members. Some of America's most prized and beautiful cities have deep, dark secrets. New York, New York is one of the most mesmorizing cities, especially at night, but even if you have never been there, you have heard the horror stories of violence. What about other cities, Washington, DC for example? It's beautiful, historical, and overrun with politics, which is a horror story itself, but thats a different story. How can you know where safe is or if what you see from above is what you get? While New York City has a reputation for corruption and Washington, DC is the center for law-making and government power, suprisingly they share similar crime rates.
Post edited by byess2011 on

Replies to: My Introduction

  • albr42albr42 Posts: 20Registered User New Member
    What's the topic of your essay?
    Also be aware of errors like New York written twice or "but ->thats<- a different" and so on...

    Also I am not sure what you are trying to convey with your essay. I wouldn't write about New York the way people talk about it and you have heard from them. I'd rather give some examples of your own like you were on the street once at night and you saw a robbery or some stuff like that...

    Just keep trying :)
  • eCoachJeneCoachJen Posts: 216Registered User Junior Member
    What concerns me on this first paragraph is that a lot of words used but there is nothing about YOU. Admissions is looking to know applicants' traits through their essays. Please focus on you and your experience.
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