Can someone give me feedback on my Personal Statement essay?
I would really appreciate feedback on my personal statement essay since the deadlines for applying to some colleges and universities is slowly closing in. I had wrote this in 11th grade and I am not sure how to revise it or if it sounds to bland. I do plan on getting feedback from teachers but would also like feedback from people online.(This is for UC applications by the way)
The prompt is : Describe the world you come from-for example,your family,community or school and tell us how your world has shaped your dream and aspiration.
As I was reading from my elementary school history book at a young age, I had thought that the world had moved on from the atrocities that were committed in the past. I had assumed that I was born into an era where people moved on from bigotry and oppression, and that I was currently living in a problem free –world. But as I grew older, I came to realize that the world still needed lots of improvement. When I realized this, I snapped out of a daydream and decided that I wanted to contribute in making the world a better place. When watching the news on TV, I heard about incidents involving racial discrimination, sexism, conflicts between countries and oppression within the social classes in society. I witnessed this type of class oppression because I grew up in a community where poverty is not an uncommon thing to see amongst people. Most people in my community are of the poorer class in society and that includes my family. My parents immigrated to the U.S. in order to find a greater opportunity in moving up the social ladder. The received little education in their country and therefore never got the chance to have good professions. Now they work hard every day to provide for my family so that we can have the opportunity to better ourselves. Since my parents didn’t have the opportunity to better their selves, their goal now is to see me and my siblings have more fulfilling lives. Seeing their daily struggles made me want something better in life and to be able to one day repay them for all that they have done for me. My community also struggles in having a lack of funding in school budgets and lack of minority students going to college. Because of this I want to be one of the minority students that will get to go to college and set an example for younger kids in my community. I want to give back to society so that it can move forward and guide the next generations toward a more acceptable place. In order to do this though, I knew since I was young that I needed to do well in school first. I remember that various teachers constantly told students that they should try to excel in school so that they can go to college, which would help in finding a good career. While I saw that some students didn’t seem to take their teachers words into consideration, I thought that it was logical to assume that what they said was important since they emphasized the importance of education a lot. I also thought that it would be a waste of time to for me to go to school without getting anything out of it, so I always tried my best academically. I knew that if I did well in school, then later it would pay of and I would not have to spend my life stuck with a job that I wouldn’t like and that I would get the chance of getting a job that is beneficial to people. Seeing people stuck in unwanted conditions in my community made me think of how I could avoid their situation in the future. I always tried to see into the future by thinking ahead and making logical and rational decisions in order to get the outcome that I wanted. Thinking this way has made me more understanding of people and made me want to help in fixing the social and economic factors that people have to face daily. With this being said and because of the problems in my community, I want to become a person who will one day live for the benefit of other people in my community.