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UMD College Essay...Good looks?

Desi4lifeDesi4life Registered User Posts: 29 New Member
Terps are diverse. They bring intellectual, social and cultural differences to our community. Describe the different parts of you which will contribute to our diverse campus community.

The reason I added "Modernist Literature" at the beginning of the essay is because I didn't want the admissions officer to feel that the essay is somewhat detached. Modernist literature had a characteristic of detached paragraphs, so I followed with that characteristic. Btw, this essay is exactly 500 words which is the max. limit.
______________________________________________________________________________________________________

Modernist Literature

My ethnicity is Dravidian. My skin color is brown. My religion is Hinduism. My mother-tongue is Tamil. My hometown is Pune. I am Indian.
India is a country of over 1.2 billion people. Out of that 1.2 billion, I am one. I live in the US, but am not American. My passport and identification cards such as driver’s license may have the stamp of the US, but I identify myself as Indian. I've lived in two different countries, and 7 different states in both nations. I know 5 unique languages - English, Hindi, French, Tamil, Marathi. I've been through 7 different schools. The diversity in many different environments has challenged me in everything I do. In the US, a nation that is the world's largest melting pot, diversity is a key element. Without diversity, this country wouldn't be functioning. As a matter of fact, without diversity, no country would have a stable lifestyle. I don't want to sound mundane in saying that diversity creates equality. There is much more to 'diversity' than that. Diversity is a collaboration and a beautiful diaspora of fall colors. I'm Indian. It's a straightforward fact. But how much do you really know about India, Indian culture, history, religions, and people? Each person has a different background. I want to spread my heritage and culture. Diversity will build on its own as more people from around the world converge. We're all divergent, but convergent together.
When I moved to the US, I tried to act like an American. Now I realize that I was going through a mistaken identity crisis. Not until I moved back to India in 2008 did I realize how much I had changed, and how much of my culture had been sucked out of me by the US, In moving back to India, I realized that I wasn't myself anymore Though my two years in India changed everything for me in terms of identity. I finally knew who I was for once - A South Indian Hindu.
When Narendra Modi, the Prime Minister of India visited the US in September of 2015, he met with top officials of multinational companies. He committed to the collaboration of American businesses and Indian businesses for further ties between these two democratic nations. I'd like to become an ambassador to the integration of all global talent and commit to a globalized nationality.
In cricket for example, The Indian Premier League has fetched international players to represent Indian cities, and showcase the result of the collaboration of multiple nationalities. Each player is open-minded to share their talents and culture, which has brought about a commitment to respect the diversity of each of the involved nations.
Albert Einstein defines insanity as the repetition of the same task while expecting diversified outcomes. My diverse life has made me the definition of insanity. Only when individuals hold to their true heritage and broaden their curiosity towards their culture, the world will have a deeper appreciation of other cultures.

Replies to: UMD College Essay...Good looks?

  • Coldsummer123Coldsummer123 Registered User Posts: 261 Junior Member
    edited November 2015
    It seems like a very interesting and heartfelt topic and I like the idea you're trying to convey. However, there are a few concepts which I suggest you take a look at. Firstly, passive voice:
    Which sounds more natural?
    I'm Hindu or My religion is Hinduism.
    Furthermore, in some instances "less is more". Whenever you put in a word, look at its purpose. If you can't identify the purpose it probably shouldn't be there. Why use 4 words when 2 will do? You could use those words to further some other idea.
    Finally, you seem to be trying very hard to use "advanced" words. However, when doing so you need to be careful that you're not using the dictionary, as it's not hard for an admissions officer to tell when. Nonetheless, this doesn't mean you shouldn't use a dictionary to confirm that you are using the word correctly. For example, in your essay, you include a beautiful diaspora of fall colors. Instead, you probably meant to use the idiom "myriad of colors."
    Anyway, it seems like you have a very interesting topic and I wish you the best of luck!
This discussion has been closed.