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Just wanted some people's feedback on my opening sentence...does it "grab" your attention?
“You must be ____. I’m Mr. ____… Welcome to hell!” I shakily offered my hand to the menacingly grinning teacher, praying that I would survive this frightening year in AP U.S. History.
I didn't like "shakily offered" or "menacingly grinning." Too wordy. Too many adverbs. Didn't provoke in me a sense that I hadn't read the same sort of sentence many times.
Maybe something like: "Was he smiling at me or was he thinking about eating me? I offered a shaky hand." (Not very different from yours, but tighter and maybe more "active.")
Still, your first bit does make me want to read more of your essay itself.
“You must be ____. I’m Mr. _____… Welcome to hell!” I offered my hand to the teacher, whose menacing grin made me pray that I would survive this frightening year in AP U.S. History.
Omitted adverbs and maybe a little bit of wordiness...
No the first was much better than the second.. but I like piglette's sentence the most .. the whole "welcome to hell" is quite banal! <yahoo for my SAT vocab!
Personally I like the adverbs.. good imagery... but I guess that is your decision..
Best of luck!
No the first was much better than the second.. but I like piglette's sentence the most .. the whole "welcome to hell" is quite banal! <yahoo for my SAT vocab!
Personally I like the adverbs.. good imagery... but I guess that is your decision..
Best of luck!
Again, remember that your concept overall is good (grabs the reader). After that, your style is your style... So take our comments with a grain of salt.
college_boundkrn, i think both your sentences are a little to wordy. try to make it tighter, as piglette mentioned. I think you don't really even need that sentence very much - the diaglogue does enough. maybe more along the lines of:
“You must be ____. I’m Mr. ____… Welcome to hell!” I was a little suprised, I thought this was AP U.S. History.
but probably something better. You should go ahead and mention that it is US History in the first sentence, though...
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