college_boundkrn

This is another intro... need feedback please. Thanks!! ASAP...

"I am in love with her. My heart desperately ached for her smooth, handsome features when we first met. Back then, I had wanted her more than anything. My cold-hearted parents prevented our relationship; I was too young to be with her. Now that I have matured, she and I are together at last! I marvel at her aesthetic beauty. I marvel at her rich, lyrical tone that can sweeten the bitterness of any listener. Who is this you may ask? My violin, of course! Together, we produce rich, deep tone that can bring enjoyment to our listeners."

college_boundkrn

...feeback?

sweetdream

This doesn't seem to tell me anything about you except that you are in love with that girl. It seems to describe more about the girl than needed, I don't know if colleges are looking for essay about love though. It depends on how write your body and conclusion.

ice_sickle007

Sorry but it really reminded me of a Danielle Steel novel... smut smut..

Aspen D

sweetdream it's about a violin.

I don't like the word marvel in there. Usage is incorrect.

piglette

I think it's great! Slight errors with word usage, but excellent concept.

Also -- Don't reveal to your reader so abruptly that it's a violin. The adcoms are filled with smart people; they'll get it even if you don't pose the rhetorical question. Then they may even be smug and pleased with themselves for being so clever about discovering who "she" is, and likewise happy with you, the writer, for allowing them to be so smart!

sweetdream

Oh, I feel so stupid now. Yeah I agree with piglette. Try not to reveal who she is until later.