cate_mcginn

Question 1

Focus: Academic Preparation

Rationale: The University seeks to enroll students who take initiative in pursuing their education (for example, developing a special interest in science, language or the performing arts, or becoming involved in educational preparation programs, including summer enrichment programs, research or academic development programs such as EAOP, MESA, Puente, COSMOS or other similar programs). This question seeks to understand a student's motivation and dedication to learning.

Question: How have you taken advantage of the educational opportunities you have had to prepare for college? *

“I’m taking a sophomore year American Literature class at our local University of Texas, it’s already 6pm and I have to be there in twenty minutes;” that always sounded like a pretty good reason for leaving rehearsal early, though it still seems to come as a surprise to my Director every time. She loves to hear about how theatre changes our lives and molds us into socially aware, responsible young adults, which it does, but she’s not convinced that college does that as well. Otherwise I wouldn’t have started taking college classes after 10th grade. I happened to be the first student to take any dual credit at UTA and it was just so cool! Sitting in United States Government, newly sixteen, next to some gorgeous college junior, taking notes on how the world economy changed after 9/11. I immediately signed up for English next summer and American Lit for senior year. I had already exhausted my high school’s AP program, and by senior year there weren’t that many classes left to take. I loved those AP classes, but I have to say they probably didn’t teach me more than taking some good notes. I have always valued real world experience over the microcosm of high school. However loyal to my Thespian troupe, I love working at our local Theatre Arlington and Creative Arts Theatre and School. However loyal to my school tutoring buddy program, I love working at the H.O.P.E. tutoring center. However loyal to my AP classes, I love going to college and experiencing the authenticity of the real world that immediately reinforces my time management skills, maturity, and independence.


It's too long.

cate_mcginn

bumpity bump bump

college_boundkrn

You're essay is decent. I can get a gist of where you're going at...

...BUT, we have some problems here. My critique will be a little long...so bear with me


Your essay:

1. Is is just one paragraph you pasted or is it several paragraphs, just tied into one? If it's only 1...dun dun dun! Need more paragraphs! If your essay needs to be 500+ words, you should have at least 3-4 paragraphs. One just doesn't cut it! Question like this typically ask for around 250-500 words...

2. Seems to lack transitions to connect ideas at specific places in your essay. One area might be the part where you talk about how awesome experience you had in 10th by taking those courses but then you suddenly change how you signed up for summer classes and senior courses. You just jump right away to another subject! Not a good idea...

3. Lots of run-on's and confusing sentences. Example: "Sitting in United States Government, newly sixteen, next to some gorgeous college junior, taking notes on how the world economy changed after 9/11." This is sentence fragment and it's run-on! Needs fixing!

4. This ties in with #2 - you lack focus in your essay.
"I loved those AP classes, but I have to say they probably didn’t teach me more than taking some good notes. I have always valued real world experience over the microcosm of high school."
----> Where are you going with these sentences? How has real world experience affected you? In what ways didn't these AP classes teach you "more than taking some good notes"?

5. Keep your tenses same! You HAVE to do this, otherwise, you're going to end up confusing the admissions when they read over this...

6. Try avoid using words like "cool." Seems really strange for you to use those words, when you should be demonstrating your command of the English language...BUT don't over do it! Otherwise, you might end up sounding snobby -__-;;

7. Commas, commas, commas. Lots of places need commas...

8. Ending needs work.
"However loyal to my AP classes" - you repeat this over and over to show your own style of writing. That's good. Unfortunately, they don't make sense in this context. Try re-wording it.

9. Last sentence does not seem to be "The End" of your essay. It seems like you're going to continue to talk about something else. End it and keep it simple!


That was a lot to read...but I hope they help! Re-read your original essay and ask yourself, "Am I properly answering the prompt? Are there areas that seem vague and unclear? Am I drifting away from one focus to another?"

Also consider, "Will my intro get my reader's attention? Is it too cliched?"

Good luck with your essay...

...and try not to post your entire essay on the forums...copycats out there! >_<;;

GOOD LUCK WITH YOUR ESSAY! AND HAVE FUN WITH IT!