The start of my common app long essay

d4r7h3v1l · 08-30-2007, 01:40 PM

Can you guys possibly critique the beginning of my long common app essay. I know it's risky to post it in the open like this, but I'd like a lot of feedback.

Do you think I'm going in the right direction so far with this?

Quote:

During the summer before I entered 11th grade, I read James Gleick’s Chaos. Among the things I learned from this book was the concept that one can find order in disorder. I contemplated and realized that the significance of this notion extends beyond Gleick’s examples of water flow and population growth to the mundane, the prime example being the organization of my bedroom.
If a scientist were to enter my bedroom, they would be struck in the face by a rather familiar concept: entropy. According to the second law of thermodynamics, entropy, or disorder, tends to increase as time goes by. A lesser-known universal law is that this process tends to accelerate within my room. Strewn about my desk and floor are the innards of electronic devices, some recognizable as old iPods or computer parts, and others that must be left to the imagination. Amidst this mess of exposed wiring, magnets, circuit boards, and metal lie various-sized screwdrivers, hammers, and even an occasional power drill or modeling saw. It becomes immediately evident to an observer that the entropy in this room is markedly high compared to the world outside, but only those looking in the correct way can see the order to the disorder.

Thanks CC!

tscogrady · 08-30-2007, 02:27 PM

I actually really like it. It shows that you are scientific, yet equally creative.

I'm just wondering where you will go from this?

d4r7h3v1l · 08-30-2007, 02:32 PM

I plan to talk about my curiosity which leads me to take things apart, build things, and experiment. I can also go into the diversity of my interests.

tscogrady · 08-30-2007, 02:55 PM

That would be really cool. I'm guessing that's how you'll connect the whole "disorder leads to order" thing. Referring to how you have the ability to take a bunch of random parts and transform them into a orderly object.
I wouldn't try to brag about all of your interests though, because most college essay will have kids bragging about the clubs they were in and their volunteer work.
It might be nice for admission officers to see a different essay.

d4r7h3v1l · 08-30-2007, 03:00 PM

Well, it's just that I also want to talk about how the curiosity isn't just the electronics and stuff, I have also taught myself to play guitar and drum.

I<3Pi · 08-30-2007, 06:06 PM

"A lesser-known universal law is that this process tends to accelerate within my room."

I love that.

Taggart · 08-30-2007, 08:26 PM

Nice idea; make the language stick with it.

'Cause right now it seems like the two are at odds. You are writing about disorder, but the sentences themselves flow too well. I read disorder, but I still feel order. I'm not saying to cut out organization altogether, but make the language say "Stop, hold up; you might die from tetanus in this room."

mtngoat1 · 08-30-2007, 08:47 PM

this is good, but your intro should be catchier. right away i think "don't tell me this is another lame philosophical epiphany essay," which of course, is not the case.

skp21 · 08-30-2007, 10:19 PM

I was thinking the exact same thing as mtngoat1 for the intro. You have a great idea, but just refine the introduction so that there some type of hook.

d4r7h3v1l · 09-02-2007, 12:11 PM

Thanks for your help! Any suggestions on how to make the intro more exciting?

elliott34 · 09-02-2007, 04:11 PM

whatever you do, don't write above the admissions officers heads.

do you like reading about things you don't know or understand?

d4r7h3v1l · 09-02-2007, 04:13 PM

Quote:

whatever you do, don't write above the admissions officers heads.

do you like reading about things you don't know or understand?

...yes :-P

But I see what you're saying.

diskobox · 09-02-2007, 08:10 PM

on the topic of making the intro more compelling: perhaps you could take what you have currently as the second paragraph and put it as the beginning. then, once we're way hyped up about your bedroom, which we are because you have described it with all the right details, you can take us on to the book. obviously you'd have to rework the transition at the end of the current first page, but i think that simple switch would really change the flow of the essay for the better.

BillBank · 09-02-2007, 10:43 PM

Love it, but since I've seen other people start with "the entropy of my room," it doesn't seem as original to me...