tessa

I'd like to read it
vita_night@yahoo.com

sammielue21

I have 90-ish posts, not quite 100... But from what you've described I think it would be okay, especially with a disclamer.

You can e-mail it to me if you want -- sammielue21@go.com

dauntlessthedrab

I find it funny that not one single person who has asked to see it since the OP requested having >100 posts has had > 100 posts.

galoisien

You don't need a disclaimer: I hadn't realised you had titled it "A Modest Proposal" from the very start. Any educated AdCom officer should recognise what you are alluding to from the start. It's not that subtle, actually.

So actually I would advise you not to make it too much of a parallel to the Swift essay -- use some original structure of your own (I don't mean overhaul your piece, just rewrite some of the argumentative structure.)

Also, in order for it to be a "modest proposal," you must include a great deal of false humility (false "false humility," actually, haha) in your essay -- which I am not seeing in your current essay.

You should need a great deal more references to current politicians. In his time, Swift's essay was funny to those who knew what he was talking about. Mock Giuliani, Romney, etc. by including some of their policies, or alluding to them.

jojodevka

I'll read it. If you actually manage a good piece of satire, that would be great. I'm sure many have tried and failed.

galoisien

It's a good piece of satire, but it's not perfect (in my modest opinion! hahaha)

jsmall

Well, Chicago has some pretty unconventional essays so I'd assume they could handle your essay. I wish I applied to Chicago just for the sake of writing the essays. Dont think I could write a clever enought essay though. Anyways, I'll take a look at it. Pm it over.

ee33ee

galoisien:

I didnt mean that my attempting a satire is subtle

What I meant was.. imagine a hispanic adcom reading this.. will they see through the initial diatribes against their race to see that it's actually exaggerating racial discriminations that are harbored to some degree by most Americans?



Sorry but I dont think I'll be taking your advice on taking turns poking fun at modern political candidates. I think that's too trite and lacks focus. I think ill stick with my one central idea and elaborate on it completely.

Plus, I'm not trying to address any one politician, any one issue... I'm trying to address the pervading discrimination behind the average person's attitudes towards immigrants

jojo: pm me an email, I want you to critique me with all youve got

pm me an email address, its too big to pm

galoisien

I realised what the problem is.

You still sound too much like Swift.

You need your own "voice."

If you are going to mock modern politics, a healthy heaping of mocking fears of terrorism and a declining economy will help too -- why stick to the vocabulary of the previous centuries?

galoisien

"taking turns poking fun at modern political candidates. I think that's too direct and lacks focus."

Not taking turns, necessarily, but your essay still sounds too general. It is not "biting," per se. After reading the 4th paragraph, your essay became slightly stale. It needs "wit" and more piercing mockery, do you see what I mean?

Racism does not only come from the idea that people are inferior, but from the existence of racial prejudices about how certain races behave. Some racists don't know they are racists because they don't see the race they are prejudiced against as "inferior," just different.

For example, if you've read Malcolm X's autobiography, whites seemed to think that it was a general characteristic of blacks to have sexual prowess and to be naturally muscular and strong. This was not a negative trait in itself -- hence why white women would pay to be paired with a black man -- but it was assumed that the black people were more "animal-like", and thus the reason for their sexual prowess and their muscle power. Prejudice.

Have you read a certain essay (set some decades ago) where a white woman, in thinking she is helping her white son's black playmate, is actually being racist? She gives him old clothing even though his family is reasonably well-clothed; she assumes his father must be big and strong because she had the prejudice that blacks could only work blue-collar factory jobs.

People in this country are not merely afraid of lazy immigrants -- they are afraid of being overtaken by other languages, such as Spanish, and insisting that English should be designated the official language of the US. Attack this.

knickknackpatty

In Harry Baulds book on writing the perfect college essay, he actually gave an example of a student who satired Dostoevsky in "Notes from the underbred" and the feedback from admissions staff. Dostoecsky was extremly brash and insulting.

The results? 3 our of 4 of the reviewers didnt get the joke making remarks like "Did this person intentionally sabtage his application? This is easy-deny" Only one picked up on it and thought he was brilliant.

You will seriously have to SPELL IT OUT for these guys, as you cannot take any risk in them misunderstanding the purpose.

galoisien

"What I meant was.. imagine a hispanic adcom reading this.. will they see through the initial diatribes against their race to see that it's actually exaggerating racial discriminations that are harbored to some degree by most Americans?"

Now, now, are you sure you aren't having a bit of prejudice yourself?

(We all have it -- at one point I hadn't realised how I had been racially prejudiced too. Those frequently prejudiced against often subconsciously develop their own "retaliatory" prejudices against others, not realising it.)

ee33ee

galoisien:

I understand what you're saying, but did you pay attention at all after 4th paragraph?

Besides their laziness, the following are stereotypes that I addressed (and yes, I included LANGUAGE).. if you want, i can pm you direct quotes
1. Crime, gangs, unruliness, benefits of being under a whip
2. Language, using their ethnocentricity as an excuse to segregate
3. Bovine-like.. read that whole paragraph and count up the cow references
4. Their threats to the economy right now, and how that can be turned into a positive (renewable energy)

and thats off the top of my head

Im trying to fit all of these things to corrsepond with one central idea, its hard to do without not making any sense or running off onto tangents or contradicting myself (if they are really dumb, how are they going to be terrorists?)


and no, i dont believe my fears are unwarranted as even my PARENTS were completely shocked at what i wrote even after i briefed them of what it was about and its purpose

knickkackpatty: that is what im afraid of


Hey thanks for the help guys, especially you galo

galoisien

If anything, I think a Hispanic adcom member will be the quickest to spot that it's satire, because if they have endured substantial prejudice, then they might have had to at one point deal with self-loathing and conquer it; they will know the intricacies of prejudice and might have had a hate-love-relationship with the concept of race.

"Language, using their ethnocentricity as an excuse to segregate"

Erm, yes, but I am talking about the fear of being taken over by another language -- but the fact that you mentioned segregation and not this immediately makes me wonder if you are perhaps a kindred spirit.

"I understand what you're saying, but did you pay attention at all after 4th paragraph?"

Well, I tried. I ended up skimming it because it ended up becoming too painfully obvious. I think there are plenty of areas where you could cut down and still have the same power in your message, if not more.

Also, the concept so far is pretty witty, but the biggest problem so far is its being stale after so many paragraphs. You don't want to merely list all the stereotypes -- to write a *manigificent* essay, you might want to comment on the natures and fears of the stereotypers, and why the prejudice exists in the first place. (Using massive irony, of course.)

What you want to do is not merely make a parallel of Swift's work, but demonstrate insight. In my opinion, at the heart of the current anti-immigration prejudice is the fear of change, and not wanting to obligated to accomodate or investigate other customs. You may have your own theories of course. But you may want to reference it some way (definitely ironically, of course). Swift as I recall, showed that the real reason why the poor in Ireland continued to suffer destitution was heavily due to the entrenched classes not wanting to give up their power.

cuRRent

fantastic. i will read it. tyac.sg@gmail.com