ee33ee

I see what you're saying, but ironically, I feel that your suggestions would make it more obvious and dull than the way I have it

I tried to keep it interesting by touching on these stereotypes under the guise of formulating a working plan... seeing this problem in technical terms, or economic terms (since most people dont seem to regard immigrants as humans)

I felt that "commenting on the natures and fears" of each stereotype wouldbe too heavyhanded, leading to a didactic history lesson, thus ruining the point of the satire


edit: blah, do you think an adcom will see this thread? maybe we shoulda took it to pms

galoisien

I don't think you will be harmed by AdCom members reading this thread -- perhaps only impressed with your concept.

When I mean, "comment," I don't mean so explicitly or directly.

Rather, the speaker in the essay should be indirectly demonstrating fears about the race he is attacking -- or basically, showing to the reader why the prejudices exist, and why they are irrational.

The concept of harming or condescending to a race under the guise of "helping" them may also be an issue you might like to explore.

Commodore64

I'd like to see yours if you don't mind sending. I'll give you my suggestions on it, and yes I remember reading Swift's Modest Proposal sophomore year in brit lit...it was gruesome!

ee33ee

galo, I really do appreciate your help, but was it so boring that you couldnt read at least most of it?

most of the first page is demonstrating fear (ok, outrage is more like it) at what our country is experiencing

and the rest.. well the rest of it has to do with "The concept of harming or condescending to a race under the guise of "helping" them"

galoisien

It wasn't boring, it just got repetitive sometimes.

Your comment on how resouces are being spent to spread liberty elsewhere is a rimshot; the phrase "these parasites systematically rape and pillage our country" is quite too direct. Very few people think that; rather, prejudice is in part due to flawed ideas (and a lack of understanding of the social contract) of what society is obligated to do for its participants.

Side note: decapitalise "Presidents" -- unless you are referring to specific ones.

Anyway, those are just my thoughts to create a "brilliant" essay. Right now, I think this is a fairly good UChicago essay. Enough to impress (fairly informed) Adcoms into admissions, and probably setting yourself apart from many essays, but not having a "totally amazing" factor.

Personally I would advise rewriting the essay so that you are not acting so downright hostile. The more pervasive type of prejudice is the irrational and heartless argument that threatens to pose as rational argument (which is why Swift wrote his satire -- to mock such arguments). Keep the "humane enslavement" part in, but I would use an attitude somewhat resembling, "We are glad to offer such desperate folk our refuge of freedom and liberty, especially since their manual labour is economically valuable. But Mexicans have a somewhat unfortunate tendency to indulge in crime and laziness if not properly overseen, and this spoils their utility ... in order to compensate, I suggest humane enslavement." You also need some more puns playing on the human/humane idea.

Or something like that -- use your own imagination. But right now I think the satirical effect is somewhat dampened by the fact that the hostility is too obvious, and at the same time may not work on clueless adcoms either.

ee33ee

mm i had initially adopted such a harsh tone because satire exaggerates the beliefs being made fun of

but instead of exaggerating the disgust and pity, you're saying i should exaggerate the condescension

i finally catch your drift, thanks very much

i was going to say that we're just arguing semantics.. but then i realized that thats what language is all about

galoisien

That's it.

I am reminded of the part in his autobiography where Malcolm X said how he preferred the southern whites to the northern whites because at least the southern whites didn't hide their prejudice.