| "for the better. "
From the start, I think that sounds too cheesy.
It's not a positive experience -- seeing a relative stricken by a disease -- but it had an impact on your person. I hope you're not sounding too didactic there.
PM me, I'd like to see it, but here are some general comments without seeing it: narrative and dialogue form is very useful for this -- it makes the essay more "intense" without sounding cliched. Demonstrate, not tell, how the experience shaped you. | 
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