Halie

PM, s'il vous plait?

I'm intrigued.

Multitasker

send it, i'll read it, have nothing to do after all the applications are done

rb9109

i would love to read it. I wanna see what an awesome essay really does to you.

harvardprincess

I would love to read; pm me if you don't mind.

DunninLA

has anyone who requested the essay read it?

MSUEnglishMajor

Wow, I'd love to read an essay like that. Please send it to me by PM.

ashdraniasura

um....if it's such a great essay, then why'd you get rejected by your safety?? and then how'd you end up going to stonybrook???

Sazari

Pm please. I'm very very curious/

az1698

I would love to read it

slater6661

Here is my essay for everyone to ready. Let me know what you think.

I have never had sex. I am not ashamed, nor am I afraid to say it. I have never felt
the need to lose my virginity as a teenager. Most kids my age have sex frequently. My
best friend, for example, goes to parties for the sole purpose of "getting laid." Although I
feel like somewhat of an outcast, I don’t feel like it’s necessarily “normal” for someone
my age to have already had sex. I choose to be a virgin because I believe that the longer I
stay pure, the more good things will happen to me.
It's not that I am scared of losing my virginity; it's that I feel like the very act of
intimacy corrupts adolescence. When I was thirteen, my family and I went to Florida for
a week. I met a group of sexually active seventeen year olds whom I soon befriended.
Kate was a beautiful girl who captured my heart the moment I laid my eyes on her. One
night, we all played Spin-the-Bottle at a diner near our hotel. When Kate spun the bottle
first, my heart began to pound like a metronome. The bottle landed facing me, as if it
were destiny. I looked at her and asked, "Kate, are you okay with this?" She nodded, at
which point I closed my eyes and received my first, and most wonderful kiss I've ever
had to date. That night, we all got together in Trevor's hotel room and had a party. It
wasn't the quiet, innocent type of party that I had been familiar with. The whole room
reeked of Coors Light, cigarette smoke, and sweat. I sat by myself in the corner, watching
the girls playfully spraying whipped cream on each other, as if I were an anthropologist
studying the behavior of teenagers. I was a wallflower. After awhile, I realized Kate
wasn’t there anymore. I got up to go wash my face in the bathroom. There she was, lying
on the bathroom floor, naked and out cold. She would tell me later that the whiskey had
made her body temperature rise, and caused her to take off her clothes. I placed my hand
on her ankle, and in an instant, thousands of lu****l thoughts flooded my mind. I could
think of countless people I know who wouldn't have hesitated to take advantage of her
right then and there. I lifted her up and carried her to the nearest empty bedroom. I turned
the light switch on, and tucked her into the bed. I was about to take off when I felt her
reach for my hand. She told me to stay with her for a little bit, and so I did. I woke up the
next morning on the floor; Kate was still sleeping soundly in the bed. I ran out of the
room because all I was thinking about at that point was how worried sick my mother
probably was.
I never saw Kate again, but have often thought about that night. I feel relieved
that I was there instead of someone like my best friend. Uncontrolled lust is a
detrimental, albeit common vice. I do not possess this characteristic. I have my whole life
ahead of me, so why should I rush it? I may not be experiencing the pleasures that many
teenagers today are having but then again, a ripe aged wine is always better than a soft
drink.

ashdraniasura

wow, k sorry for what i said earlier. it was rather inconsiderate. this essay was good. but seems slightly controversial. how do you admissions reps didn't have tons of sex in high school and actually thought there was nothing wrong with it? i don't know, it's a great essay, but seems risky. is this what college essays should be like?

oh yeah, one more question: was kate really four years older than you?? and you thought of having sex at 13????

nirvanatear

wow this might be the most controversial essay...

annikasorrensen

If I had to sum up the theme of this essay in blunt fashion, it would be that the applicant wanted to get kudos (and college entrance) based on the fact that he has enough scruples to not __ck an unconscious girl. That's not impressive, that's just a baseline that I expect out of _everyone_. There's no bonus points here.

The idea of sharing a personal epiphany in a college essay is that it should reveal something rather profound, not cave-man level "I didn't rape her, therefore I must be evolved" basic ethics.

The essay is very honest, but this is about getting into a college of one's choice, and some topic approaches are TMI.

A few other inconsistancies include the idea that the best friend's ethics conflict with the author's. The author speaks of being a virgin, but plays "spin the bottle" with strangers. The author is underaged, but goes to drinking parties, presumably unbeknownst to his parents. And maybe most alarmingly, he found a drunk and unconscious girl and did not display proper concern for monitoring her for alcohol poisoning (at least not as described in the essay). What the girl says the next day about whether or not it was about her being too warm or that she drank until she passed out doesn't matter - in the moment, the first concern should be whether or not she dies from alcohol poisoning and/or could vomit and choke to death (it sounds like she fell asleep and so did the author - the ending could have been tragic).

There were grammatical mistakes such as "The bottle landed facing me, as if it were destiny." "Bottle" is singular, so a singular verb (was) should have been used and other places the sentence construction was awkward.

There were bad cliches and worn out similies and metaphors throughout such the one about wine vs. a soft drink.

Hope this gives one perspective for all those who are confused why this essay probably didn't work.

Annika

slater6661

Annika - you don't know the position I was in. You can never make a general statement about what everyone should do and what everyone will do. The fact of the matter is that the vast majority of us might do something we know is wrong if we knew we could get away with it. A seemingly conceited person like you would claim to make the moral decision, but you can never say what 'cave man' level behavior is unless you yourself have been in a similar situation and have acted the same way I have. And the fact that I live in such an openly sexual environment which I mention several times in my essay made it so much harder to resist temptation.

interelations09

In some respects I agree with Annika, but not for the reasons that Annika stated. Here is how i felt about the essay when I read it.

Item 1: First of all this is an essay that does catch you. I felt engrossed in the story as I read it, at least until the end. Which leads me to item 2.

Item 2: I felt like your summation of the event was bland and not as thoughful as it could have been.

"I feel relieved that I was there instead of someone like my best friend. Uncontrolled lust is a detrimental, albeit common vice. I do not possess this characteristic. I have my whole life ahead of me, so why should I rush it? I may not be experiencing the pleasures that many teenagers today are having but then again, a ripe aged wine is always better than a soft drink."

Upon second glance, I also noticed that the admissions officer reading this could have been under this "vice." He could have viewed this as extremely pretentious, and possibly even insulted.

Item 3: I feel like you got too enraptured in telling the story, and not enough in telling the admissions officer how you changed. It isn't exactly clear how you were affected and it could have just seemd like "I had strong morals, I was tested, I still have strong morals. Accept me into XYZ university."

Overall I felt like it was a good essay, just not one that is life changing for an admissions officer, or one that will get you into harvard with a 2.0 gpa.

It wasn't hemmingway, more like...thoreau.