quan_12010

please give me some comments. Thanks a million

November 12th, 2007 marked the day that I officially became an adult. Exactly one month after my eighteenth birthday, I received a job offer from Hawaii Pacific University Tutoring Center, which ended up teaching me more than I ever thought possible.
My first day at work gave me a life lesson of variety things that I would appreciate for the rest of my years. I came to work all dressed up, with mixed feelings of excitement and anxiety. My first client was a middle-aged Filipino man. As soon as he walked in the door, I could see the fear and the nervousness in his face. He showed me a couple problems from his trigonometry homework. The problems were easy, but I realized that there was a vast difference between understanding a problem and actually explaining it to somebody else. I started to lose my composure as he looked at me blankly every time I asked him a question. Just as I was about to give up, the man began laughing. He revealed that he was actually a math tutor sent here by my boss to test if I was ready for the job. He gave me a pat on my shoulder and said: “Keep in mind; the ultimate job of a tutor is not to solve the question, but to help your student fully understand the method behind it.” His advice brought me back to the days when my mother spent hours tutoring me in math. She was the one who helped me realize that math is the love of my life. Her words stayed with me and made me a two-time “tutor of the month:” “Remember, you can only truly understand a matter when you can teach it to somebody else.”
My first job has been training me to become a much more mature, professional and confident person. It also brings me the joy and happiness of helping others by doing what I love. I hope to pursue this type of job in whichever institution that I will be enrolled in.

echan621

This was an interesting experience you had; I'll give you some comments. If any come across as harsh, I don't mean them to be.

Perhaps you could build more anticipation. You're going to talk about a life-changing experience that matured you, but you don't need to give away it's identity right away. Maybe you can give some of your thoughts: how you never thought such a day would occur, how you ripped open the acceptance letter with a full-teeth grin, or the expectations you originally had.

The goal would be to tease the reader a bit with descriptive clues to make them want to heighten their desire in finding out what your experience was.

All in all, I think you should try to "show" more and "tell" less. Your tells are great places to start from, though.

How were you dressed? Pretend you're describing yourself to someone blind.

What does excitement and anxiety mean to you? Show me the brisk pace of your excited walk and the anxious sweat you wiped onto your pant legs.

This is a good twist, and maybe you can build on it. Describe the ways in which you "lost your composure." Perhaps you can reveal some thoughts on how unexpected it was to be stumped or the five different voices in your head that were all yelling at the same time (your panic). By the time we get to "the man began laughing," the suspense is building and we're thinking This is so awkward. I want to know what happens next. Then, you deliver your punchline--an undercover tutor, sent to tutor a tutor.

After you reveal the cause of laughter, I think you should make a paragraph break before you talk about the insights you've gained. I think you need to add some more of what you learned, a resulting change in your philosophy, something deep and personal.

I think you should change this line. Did she make you or did you make yourself, with her words the inspiration behind your charge?

If you are saying "remember", does that mean you believe the reader already knows this aspect of teaching? Perhaps you could rephrase this statement to say something like how teaching is, as you've discovered, a great way to learn.

The ending is a bit plain. Maybe you might close with how you're still a tutor now, and how you've changed since then. The advice your evaluator gave you was a gift and how you felt when (or if) you ended up giving the same gift to someone else.

I hope these suggestions will be helpful. Good luck.

quan_12010

thank you so much the comments are great help. my problem this is just a short essay, like 150 words or fewer. i already went over the limit, so i can't really add much more details to it. but i really appreciate your help.

echan621

Here's an idea:


[1]Tutoring is not what you expected it to be. ->
[2](philosophically changing reason why) ->
[3]Even now you still remember “[wise mentor words].”->
[4]Explain how those words catapulted you to looking at the world a different way (maturity). ->
[5]Restate how tutoring is unexpected, but end it in a clever way. Sum up your experience in a, likewise, unexpected and fitting way.

quan_12010

gotcha. any other thoughts?

briangarner

November 12, 2007, marked the day my adulthood began: exactly one month after my eighteenth birthday, I received a job offer from Hawaii Pacific University Tutoring Center. Legally, I was already an adult. It was my experience working at the tutoring center, however, that really helped me to become one.



My first day at work taught me a life lesson that I will never forget. I came to work all dressed up, with mixed feelings of excitement and anxiety, wondering who I would be teaching. My client that day was a nervous-looking middle-aged man. As soon as we sat down to work, I could see that he was not excited to be there. He showed me a few problems from his trigonometry homework. To me, the problems seemed easy, but every time I asked him a question or tried to outline a solution, the client just looked at me blankly. I started to lose confidence. Just as I was about to give up, the man began laughing. He revealed that he was actually a math teacher sent by the tutoring center to test if I was ready for the job. He gave me a pat on the shoulder and said: “Keep in mind: the ultimate job of a tutor is not to solve the question, but to help your student fully understand the method behind it.”



Reflecting on his advice later that night, I remembered the days when my mother had spent hours tutoring me in math. She understood that there is a vast difference between solving a problem and teaching it to somebody else. Her patient explanations helped me to overcome stumbling blocks and to gain the confidence to approach problems on my own. My later success and enjoyment of math was greatly shaped by her approach.



I returned to the tutoring center for my next client – and each client thereafter – with the math teacher’s words and my mother’s example in mind. Since I started working there, I have been named “tutor of the month” twice. I have gained maturity and confidence by helping others to learn math. I hope to pursue this type of job at whichever institution I attend.

interelations09

is this a common app essay? if it isn't, specify which university at the end.

quan_12010

thanks, but it is a commonapp essay