Opinion needed on final line of Statement of Purpose

darkspym8 · 03-31-2008, 01:54 AM

Is this good for the final line of my statement of purpose?

"I look forward to the opportunity of joining the University of *** Computer Science department as a graduate student in a mutually beneficial association."

interelations09 · 03-31-2008, 07:47 PM

Its a bit wordy. But if it fits in with the rest of the essay then yes, without having seen the rest of it I couldn't really tell you.

sunshadow · 03-31-2008, 07:50 PM

Leave out "as a graduate student". It makes it too wordy and that should already be known from earlier in your statement/application.

Lumine · 04-06-2008, 11:44 AM

I agree with sunshadow about taking out "as a graduate student." Also, I'm not sure that the word "association" is quite right... what about capacity, alliance, union, body, arrangement?

db123 · 04-09-2008, 12:05 AM

Is this for a resume? In a resume, you should not use the word "I" and they should be succinct. if you can tell me the gist of what you're trying to say, I can craft you a purpose line. If you don't feel comfortable posting it, then feel free to PM me.