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What do you think of my UC Personal Statement Prompt #2??? Give me some critiques!

Asian_Girl2009Asian_Girl2009 Posts: 408Registered User Member
edited November 2012 in College Essays
Prompt #2:
Prompt #2: Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or
Experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?]


My Essay:
Throughout my life, my personal statement has been drawing. Therefore, having this special talent is extremely important to me because no one in my family has this talent like I do. Another reason why this talent is important to me is because this talent will help me fulfill my dreams, which is becoming a professional graphic designer. Having this talent makes me feel special because I will be the first individual in my family to pursue a career in graphic design.
This talent makes me proud because I realize that I could draw or paint really well if I put all my effort into it. It also makes me proud because I can benefit from this talent such as using it to design a website for my parent’s business. I can also use it to teach others. This talent is not just beneficial to me, but others as well. Having this wonderful talent gave me goals to achieve later on in life. It inspire to me to become a graphic designer. I’ve always love to draw when I was a little girl. For example, when I was about five years old, I always drew pictures and showing them to my mother. Ever since I was little, I knew that I have a passion for art. My mom used to say that “ this talent was a god given talent and that rarely any people have this talent like I do.” I believed her, this talent is truly a “god given talent.”
When I was little, I always thought this talent was just a hobby, but ever since I took computer art and beginning art in high school. I knew this was my personal talent and that I truly have passion for. I put my soul, my heart, my passion into art. I am very blessed to have this wonderful talent. This talent gave me hopes of becoming a famous computer artist one day. This talent is everything I wanted. It gave me confidence in myself that I am capable of fulfilling my dreams. It is special and sacred, that will stay with me forever.


I know I have many grammar and verb tense errors, but just read over it and see
what you think of the essay itself.
Give me advice and tips of how to improve my essay as well.
Thanks!!!
Post edited by Asian_Girl2009 on

Replies to: What do you think of my UC Personal Statement Prompt #2??? Give me some critiques!

  • futurexrejectfuturexreject Posts: 485Registered User Member
    It seems kind of cliche. What UC are you applying to? It may qualify for some, but if you are aiming for LA or B, I suggest you make one that stands out
  • Asian_Girl2009Asian_Girl2009 Posts: 408Registered User Member
    No, of course not I'm not apply to UCLA OR UCB. I'm only applying to UC Riverside, UC Irvine, UC Santa Barbara and maybe UC Merced.
  • Asian_Girl2009Asian_Girl2009 Posts: 408Registered User Member
    Ohh oopS! I made a mistake in the beginning, I meant my personal talent not my personal statement.
  • futurexrejectfuturexreject Posts: 485Registered User Member
    dont worry you'll make it.
  • hereicome09hereicome09 Posts: 496Registered User Member
    i probably read the word talent a good 10 times....find some synonyms or use varied sentence structure
  • PolarNsPolarNs Posts: 158Registered User Junior Member
    i think u should TELL less but SHOW more
  • GotwavezGotwavez Posts: 9Registered User New Member
    Hi, can you guys please edit/feedback my response to the same prompt?
    thank you.

    Throughout my life I had been taught to love, support, and protect Israel. At home, I was taught about how soldiers fight for Jewish freedom, and how the land was sacred to our ancestors, and must always be protected. However, because I had never been there, I lacked a true personal connection to what I was protecting. This all changed when I moved to Israel for a year, working as a medic for Magen-David-Adom, Israel’s primary ambulatory service. Working as a medic in Israel has exposed me to the humanitarian perspective of Israeli healthcare, and has guided me to find my own personal connection toward the land—not achievable overseas. This connection was achieved after being called to the scene of a failed terror attempt, an experience like no other. Although I have heard stories of Israel’s lack of prejudice in terms of healthcare, my experiences as a first-responding-medic in Israel have confirmed their validity. Having been called to treat-and-transport victims of a failed terror attempt, I experienced firsthand Israel’s commitment to saving all lives, even the life of the enemy. Responding to this triage has opened my eyes to Israel’s primary concern for the patient, and as a result, instilled in me an overwhelming pride to serve in Israel’s healthcare system, thus guiding me to achieve a true personal connection.
    Arriving to the scene, had the privilege of applying neck-braces, tourniquets to amputated limbs, and bandages to flesh wounds. On the ambulance, I was trusted to set up IV for administration, and apply further bandaging. Although I am proud of myself for responding properly without hesitation, what I am most proud of in terms of this experience is MDA’s overall response to terrorists. These victims—enemies of Israel—were treated with the same sincerity as would have been the victims if the attack was successful. After witnessing this event, I am proud of whom I am—a member of MDA, a branch of the Israeli health care system. I am proud of Israel’s healthcare system, and its inability to discriminate when patient concern is abundant. This makes me proud to serve Israel because, regardless of what the media portrays in its manipulation of the truth, Israel is a humanitarian nation and an advocate for peace.
    Responding to a triage has allowed me to exercise the skills I had trained for, but on intuition, not orders. This relates to the person I am because I view myself one who strives to be a leader, especially in the medical field, and reacting on instinct, as evident from this experience, has given me room to strive. I am proud because I took what knowledge I had, applied it properly without hesitation, and innovated when obstacles arose. I am also one who advocates peace, and this experience has opened my eyes to true intentions of Israel. Israel is a peaceful nation, as its healthcare system is unprejudiced. Therefore, as a proud servant of Israel, I will bring my experiences to the college campus and show how peace can be accomplished.

    Thank you for reading it, I just wrote it today and havent edited it myself so dont be afraid to be harsh.
    thanks again
  • kwonlitakwonlita Posts: 149Registered User Junior Member
    @Gotwavez wow =] that was terrific. I honestly don't think you need any fixing to that =]
  • qialahqialah Posts: 1,625Registered User Senior Member
    AsianGirl: I think you need to be a little more specific. Can you describe an example of a design or project that you did that, how you were passionate about it and how it gave you more confidence.

    Gotwavez: Wow. Impressive experience. You might add a little description of the program you served with. It may strain the reader's credulity to believe that 16 year olds are out treating trauma victims given that teen hospital volunteers in the US rarely do more than push wheelchairs.
  • kaekaekaekae Posts: 358Registered User Member
    Lol at Gotwavez's threadjacking. But in response to the original post, it seems kinda contrived (the second sentence in particular), but it's probably good enough for those places.
  • loai27loai27 Posts: 1Registered User New Member
    Israel is a peaceful country? Hummmm .. very interesting :/ smfh
  • symphonicasymphonica Posts: 1Registered User New Member
    Second paragraph I believe should be "Arriving to the scene, I* had the privilege..."
    Third Paragraph, "This relates to the person I am because I view myself AS* one who..."
  • wcgrootonk33wcgrootonk33 Posts: 1Registered User New Member
    Promt-from the world you come from for example your family , community, school and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations?

    As a kid I used to get almost anything I wanted. My parents were always there to cater to my needs. While being a kid I didn’t realize these sort of things. Its when I began to grow up, my parents split up and I had to start doing things on my own, when I came to the realization that its now my turn to direct my life where I want it to go.
    My family has always been my back bone throughout everything I do. They have shaped me to become who I am today. My family life has not always been perfect. I have gone threw my parents getting divorced and having to move 8 hours away from my friends, sister, brother and especially my dad. No matter how challenging it seemed at the time, the move ultimately brought diversity to my character. If I never had move down to southern California, I would have never met my wonderful friends and been in such a great community that will do anything to help the next generation of adults succeed.
    Though my community may be small, that says nothing about its drive in trying to help everyone possible succeed. I was introduced with the opportunity to be in the Teen Miss lakeside pageant and though I did not win the title of Teen Miss Lakeside, I did win the knowledge, which to me now was just as great as winning the title. It taught me to never give up for I may not have the experience but I will always have the heart. Throughout my time with the pageant was short I learned how many people are in my community willing to help. All the contestants had to get 3 sponsors to pay $200 and every girl got them. There are so many more that donated over and beyond what we asked for. So many people in our community just came to watch us and cheer us on. There are so many people willing to give so much to make us successful.
    By definition, success means to achieve what one aims or wants to. But how can one put a definition on something so complex. For me to completely reach my dreams, I must succeed in life. First already starting in high school, I succeeded in getting good grades so hopefully I will get into a good college which will get me my dream job as a FBI in the end. But only through my family, community and challenges in life will I achieve my dreams and aspirations.
  • HipstaPleaseHipstaPlease Posts: 1Registered User New Member
    wcgrootonk33: i like your personal statement. It's very engaging especially at the start of your essay. I wrote something similar to yours (like parent divorcing and all) except it was a person not an event that shaped my dreams and aspirations. I like the fact that you mentioned about entering the TEEN MISS LAKESIDE contest. it shows an event that changed you. So that's good.
    *One small error though is you mispelled the word "through".
    From your statement: "I have gone [threw]my parents...."
    Other than that one error everything is good. I'm sure you'll do fine during your college application process. :)
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