What do you think of my UC Personal Statement Prompt #2??? Give me some critiques!

Asian_Girl2009 · 10-18-2008, 08:46 PM

Prompt #2:
Prompt #2: Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or
Experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?]

My Essay:
Throughout my life, my personal statement has been drawing. Therefore, having this special talent is extremely important to me because no one in my family has this talent like I do. Another reason why this talent is important to me is because this talent will help me fulfill my dreams, which is becoming a professional graphic designer. Having this talent makes me feel special because I will be the first individual in my family to pursue a career in graphic design.
This talent makes me proud because I realize that I could draw or paint really well if I put all my effort into it. It also makes me proud because I can benefit from this talent such as using it to design a website for my parent’s business. I can also use it to teach others. This talent is not just beneficial to me, but others as well. Having this wonderful talent gave me goals to achieve later on in life. It inspire to me to become a graphic designer. I’ve always love to draw when I was a little girl. For example, when I was about five years old, I always drew pictures and showing them to my mother. Ever since I was little, I knew that I have a passion for art. My mom used to say that “ this talent was a god given talent and that rarely any people have this talent like I do.” I believed her, this talent is truly a “god given talent.”
When I was little, I always thought this talent was just a hobby, but ever since I took computer art and beginning art in high school. I knew this was my personal talent and that I truly have passion for. I put my soul, my heart, my passion into art. I am very blessed to have this wonderful talent. This talent gave me hopes of becoming a famous computer artist one day. This talent is everything I wanted. It gave me confidence in myself that I am capable of fulfilling my dreams. It is special and sacred, that will stay with me forever.

I know I have many grammar and verb tense errors, but just read over it and see
what you think of the essay itself.
Give me advice and tips of how to improve my essay as well.
Thanks!!!

futurexreject · 10-18-2008, 09:12 PM

It seems kind of cliche. What UC are you applying to? It may qualify for some, but if you are aiming for LA or B, I suggest you make one that stands out

Asian_Girl2009 · 10-19-2008, 04:24 PM

No, of course not I'm not apply to UCLA OR UCB. I'm only applying to UC Riverside, UC Irvine, UC Santa Barbara and maybe UC Merced.

Asian_Girl2009 · 10-19-2008, 04:25 PM

Ohh oopS! I made a mistake in the beginning, I meant my personal talent not my personal statement.

futurexreject · 10-20-2008, 12:09 AM

dont worry you'll make it.

hereicome09 · 10-20-2008, 01:48 AM

i probably read the word talent a good 10 times....find some synonyms or use varied sentence structure

PolarNs · 10-20-2008, 04:59 AM

i think u should TELL less but SHOW more

Gotwavez · 11-02-2009, 05:43 AM

Hi, can you guys please edit/feedback my response to the same prompt?
thank you.

Throughout my life I had been taught to love, support, and protect Israel. At home, I was taught about how soldiers fight for Jewish freedom, and how the land was sacred to our ancestors, and must always be protected. However, because I had never been there, I lacked a true personal connection to what I was protecting. This all changed when I moved to Israel for a year, working as a medic for Magen-David-Adom, Israel’s primary ambulatory service. Working as a medic in Israel has exposed me to the humanitarian perspective of Israeli healthcare, and has guided me to find my own personal connection toward the land—not achievable overseas. This connection was achieved after being called to the scene of a failed terror attempt, an experience like no other. Although I have heard stories of Israel’s lack of prejudice in terms of healthcare, my experiences as a first-responding-medic in Israel have confirmed their validity. Having been called to treat-and-transport victims of a failed terror attempt, I experienced firsthand Israel’s commitment to saving all lives, even the life of the enemy. Responding to this triage has opened my eyes to Israel’s primary concern for the patient, and as a result, instilled in me an overwhelming pride to serve in Israel’s healthcare system, thus guiding me to achieve a true personal connection.
Arriving to the scene, had the privilege of applying neck-braces, tourniquets to amputated limbs, and bandages to flesh wounds. On the ambulance, I was trusted to set up IV for administration, and apply further bandaging. Although I am proud of myself for responding properly without hesitation, what I am most proud of in terms of this experience is MDA’s overall response to terrorists. These victims—enemies of Israel—were treated with the same sincerity as would have been the victims if the attack was successful. After witnessing this event, I am proud of whom I am—a member of MDA, a branch of the Israeli health care system. I am proud of Israel’s healthcare system, and its inability to discriminate when patient concern is abundant. This makes me proud to serve Israel because, regardless of what the media portrays in its manipulation of the truth, Israel is a humanitarian nation and an advocate for peace.
Responding to a triage has allowed me to exercise the skills I had trained for, but on intuition, not orders. This relates to the person I am because I view myself one who strives to be a leader, especially in the medical field, and reacting on instinct, as evident from this experience, has given me room to strive. I am proud because I took what knowledge I had, applied it properly without hesitation, and innovated when obstacles arose. I am also one who advocates peace, and this experience has opened my eyes to true intentions of Israel. Israel is a peaceful nation, as its healthcare system is unprejudiced. Therefore, as a proud servant of Israel, I will bring my experiences to the college campus and show how peace can be accomplished.

Thank you for reading it, I just wrote it today and havent edited it myself so dont be afraid to be harsh.
thanks again

kwonlita · Today, 09:53 AM

@Gotwavez wow =] that was terrific. I honestly don't think you need any fixing to that =]

qialah · Today, 12:25 PM

AsianGirl: I think you need to be a little more specific. Can you describe an example of a design or project that you did that, how you were passionate about it and how it gave you more confidence.

Gotwavez: Wow. Impressive experience. You might add a little description of the program you served with. It may strain the reader's credulity to believe that 16 year olds are out treating trauma victims given that teen hospital volunteers in the US rarely do more than push wheelchairs.

kaekae · Today, 12:29 PM

Lol at Gotwavez's threadjacking. But in response to the original post, it seems kinda contrived (the second sentence in particular), but it's probably good enough for those places.