indianmonster

The coffee in the orange cup sat near the littered pile of textbooks and scribbled notes. The sinuous curls of aroma rising from it were innerving. I finally gulped a sip, the liquid slowly moving through my sore throat. I often found it strange; coffee energized my soporific body within seconds of touching my lip. It was 2 a.m and I was browsing through the Principal of Least Action, a particularly dry text from the Introduction to Classical Mechanics by David Morin. The principal, to put it in blunt words, attested that Nature was thrifty in all her actions. Alas Nature was not so frugal with her derivates and integrals, which filled nearly every page of my notebook. I had fallen for the trap. The prelude of the chapter began with a condescendingly easy algebraic expression. Yet within two pages, the expression metamorphosed into a horrifyingly complicated differential equation. I abruptly closed the big red book. Intimidated by its mere presence, I sat still for a moment, gaping at the bland white wall in front. ‘Why me?’, I asked as if the wall would elicit a comforting response. A chilly breeze swept in through the open window. I slept that night on the table, only to dream about the sky raining down Greek mathematical symbols. My transformation from a pedestrian teenager to a physics geek, just like that equation, was complete.



How do u guyz feel abt the drft intro? Is it going in the right direction?

I do not have any topics in particular, but the flow of the draft seems to go in the direction of my hardships with physics and how I somehow felt that even inspite of those hardships, my love for physics did prevail.

Regards

vijay120

I kinda like the intro description but r u sure is this the personality that you want to highlight?

chocobok

I like it, especially the opening sentence. But the biggest problem is that you sound like you've swallowed a thesaurus. Using big words doesn't always improve writing, and sentence structure and style are far more important.
For instance, That basically means, "The full of curves curls of aroma" Does aroma have curves? Maybe aroma was supposed to be steam or something? And innerving just doesn't seem to fit right with the sentence (at least to me).

Other phrases with words that don't seem quite right for their sentences:


Also, make sure you're putting in commas where they're needed and making paragraphs if you need them (so you won't just have one huge block of text).

Those are just some of my suggestions, and take my advice with a grain of salt. This is your essay, afterall. The most important thing is that you make sure your voice shines through and your essay demonstrates who you really are.

estrat1

The essay, to me at least, sounds forced (and know that I've never seen some of those words before, so I may be wrong) - it's like you've pulled out a thesaurus and just thrown in a bunch of words (again, I may be wrong - but that's the impression I get). Some of the phrases ("...wall would elicit...", "gulped a sip", "my soporific body") are, to me, awkward at best - I've never seen elicit used in that sense. I'm unable to visualise "gulping a sip" (though I tend to be against phrases like that, so I may be a bit biased there) and I believe soporific is normally used to describe something that makes one sleep, rather than the state of being sleepy/falling asleep.

All in all, looking at the wording of your request, the essay does seem forced and doesn't look like it shows your voice. I'd be careful here - because an essay like this might stand out as "faked" with the admissions committee. I may be wrong, and neither I nor anyone else here knows you, so if that's really a more accurate representation of yourself than I'm inclined to believe, ignore everything I said . Just my 2 cents...

Mrs Weasley

innerving? Do you mean innervating? "gulped a sip"? How does one gulp a sip, or for that matter sip a gulp? By definition, they seem to be mutually exclusive. If you were combining them for some special purpose, fine, but I'm unable to distinguish that purpose unless it relates to general ambivalence.

Once you settle on a topic, you can direct your writing in a meaningful way to convey your ideas. Free writing is a great exercise, but not always good for answering a specific prompt.

ns89

i kinda liked it, though i agree about the words, a bit too big/complex in some cases..

also.. well, to be blunt, at caltech, who ISN'T a physics/math/chem/bio etc geek? im willing to bet a majority of people are pretty 'nerdy'.. not in a bad way, so take no offence caltechers, but i mean, very smart and dedicated to their field.. yet youre showing up that side of you.. maybe you should do something else that is more original and will make you stick out..
if i were you id write something crazy about myself, youve already most likely got the grades to prove your a physics geek, otherwise i dont see why youre applying ;D :P

like write about how youre a crazy prankster or a standup comedian or that time when your dad lost his glasses and the whole family had to turn the house upside down looking, and then you realized they were outside on the porch table.. you know what i mean ?
id say the strongest way to impress an admissions committee is to make em laugh theyre stuck with essays all day long, you make em laugh, hell even smile, theyll be grateful :P

Senior0991

I like it. Yes, it's wording is a bit awkward, especially for Caltech. They don't care how good of a writer you are, so don't try to sound like one. In terms of style, I'd go for a concise essay, especially when describing stuff not relevant to math/physics.

For Caltech's prompt (which last year was basically "how do you display your interests in math and/or science"), assuming it is the same, this is a very strong intro, imo. After this, you could go on, for instance, to discuss some of the things you now do as a physics geek that show your passion.

WorriedJunior10

your introduction was just a few awkward moments shy of brilliance. why are you not impassioned? there is too much force and too little fluidity.

try to use words that are impressive but not outlandish.

that's just my two cents. good luck on your essay!

indianmonster

hi guys,

Thanks a LOT for your responses. Really appreciate them. I ll work on the vocab of the essay and put it for the caltech essay prompt rather than the common aps essay.

smarts1

try to make it simple, not complex. the vocab just detracts from the whole feeling of the essay