Would you read this? - Page 2

dawncoming · 07-02-2009, 04:29 AM

i think maybe not. this sentence is somewhat too long. and a queer combination of "delicacy" and "toast"&"sandwiches." I think you'd better not try some bizaare ideas.just write how you feel and what you think.and the colleges will understand.

isobell · 07-02-2009, 07:40 AM

no, definitely not. just try to avoid over-long sentences in general in your essay.
imagine the admissions office reading thousands of essays every single day, and wants your essay to be "right to the point". they don't have that much time or interest in hard-to-follow prose.

idk11 · 07-02-2009, 11:36 AM

Okay. I understand the criticism.

xrCalico23 · 07-02-2009, 01:56 PM

Your intros are all fine as long as the rest of your essay is clear and engaging. If you're going to use that kind of an opening line, just make sure your next few lines elaborate on it a little more and show clearly what you mean. We can't really tell how exactly to start your essay. First of all, I don't know how the rest of your essay is like. Secondly, each person has a unique and distinctive writing style and that's an important part of an application essay. Write the way you think, don't pretend and don't change your essay too much based on other people's criticism.

If I'm starting that same essay, I personally would use the sandwich analogy and then carry it on a little more like an extended metaphor, in which I depict a specific situation where someone was trying to phrase something to be politically correct with such caution or hesitation that he or she reminds you of that image that you've just described. I would probably describe my response to it and somehow tie it to the main point of my essay. It may be tricky, but I think it would be kind of cool if you can pull it off.

idk11 · 07-02-2009, 06:39 PM

@xrCalico23

Thanks. I was going to tie in my journalistic experience with "off the record" remarks to how my proudest high school experiences cannot be documented simply by an application.

teamfrangela92 · 07-02-2009, 10:16 PM

I had trouble understanding what the sentence meant the first and second times. Maybe it is because my vocabulary is heavily lacking haha.