idk11

If my essays started with this sentence, would you be intrigued?

"They always prefaced their statement with a sense of delicacy usually reserved for balancing the final slice of toast atop a mile-high Reuben sandwich."

dchow08

No. But the admissions officer pretty much has to.

idk11

Why would you not read it?

ADad

No. I find it hard to follow. I had to read it a few times to figure it out. I'd prefer something clearer and simpler.

Frankly, if this were the first sentence, I'd be dreading reading the rest of the essay. I'd be fearing 500-700 words of complicated, hard-to-follow prose.

Maybe I don't know enough about Reuben sandwiches (and maybe your readers won't either), but I don't see what is so "delicate" about putting the top piece of toast on a sandwich. However, if your essay could explain that, connect it with something personal, detailed and revealing, it could perhaps work out.

I'm not sure how one "prefaces" by means of a "sense".

"Statement" strikes me as bland and unimaginative; I'll bet that you could find a more precise and intriguing word.

Myrmidon73

You're trying too hard to sound smart, and it just comes across as hard to follow.

KISS rule definitely applies here.

idk11

Okay, I see what you're saying. Maybe you can help then. My topic is the experiences I've had with "off the record" remarks as a journalist. So would something like following sentence be more effective?

"They always prefaced their statement with the delicacy of a hesitant surgeon."

Do you see where I'm going with this?

xrCalico23

Lol, I actually prefer your first one over your second. I had no idea what you were talking about when I read your sentence for the first time, but it certainly did catch my attention and served its purpose that way. I would be intrigued enough to read the rest of your essay just to find out what you're talking about. As long as you don't phrase the entire essay like that, I think you're fine. I actually really like this start to an essay because it paints an amusing but effective image; it's just the convoluted wording that makes it confusing.

The only problem I have is the word "preface", which literally means to write an introdution... maybe a different word choice?

idk11

Okay. So keep the same idea as the first sentence, but tighten it up a little?

idk11

Bump. I need a little more feed on this concept. Thanks.

Senior0991

Here's a hook:
F***ing p**sys. Those g**dam politically correct people that always qualify their claims with the delicacy of a brain surgeon. I can't stand the lot of them. You know, when the **** did it become wrong to say what's really on your mind?

BTW, I'm being serious here.

thefool

Your problem here is that your telling us rather than showing us what "they" did.

Instead of being like "they always started their conversations delicately, saying _______", you give us a confusing analogy. Tell us what they did, not what it was like.

idk11

So would simplifying the analogy work better? I don't think this is one of the situations to pull the "admissions officers want you to show, not tell" situation. I'm leading into an essay.

Senior0991

^I agree with idk's disagreement with fool.

And what's wrong with my hook? Not only does it draw the reader in, but your writing style (at first, anyway) would support your thesis. In a way, it's somewhat satiric. Adcoms will appreciate not only your wits, but your "stones", as it were.

idk11

I could see how that could work. Or maybe my essay could be a dialogue (good journalist vs. bad journalist) that satirizes the whole subject? Is that too radical?

3Point7Student

You're either an idiot or a ball-bearer if you're going to do that. I think the former, but...