tmmaruca92

Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.

A few summers ago, the seemingly most unimportant but truly influential thing happened to me. My family and I were camping in Pennsylvania with a group of friends for four days. The camping trip in a whole is not the important part, although it was a lot of fun, but rather a single moment of a single night. In that one moment I discovered something about myself that I had never known and will never forget.
The discovery I made needs a bit of history in order for it to truly make sense. Whenever my family goes camping we set up a large complicated canopy that is made out of eight-foot long metal poles and a giant tarp covering. This becomes very significant later on. Also note that the family friends consisted of my best friend who had reached the rank of Chief Master Sergeant in the Carol County Civil Air-patrol as well as an Army officer who was completing courses in an ROTC program.
One night while all of us were hanging out about a half mile from the camp site a very sudden and very severe storm came on. We knew we had to go take down the canopy after the first few lightning strikes and wind gusts. So my two friends, my brother, my sister, and I set off towards the camp site. In order to reach the camp site we had to run down a steep hill that was at this point drenched and slippery. It was at this point that I told everyone to stop running and walk down the hill to be sure to avoid injury. After I said that was when my epiphany began to grow.
We finally reached the camp site after about ten minutes. It was then that the really strange bit happened. Everyone ran up to the canopy and froze. They just stood there, and did not know what to do next. So I did what I had to do. I start shouting out orders.
It was me who became the leader. It was me who guided the others. Not my older sister. Not my best friend who had been an official leader of others before. And not the oldest person present, who was in the process of being trained as an army officer. I did not have any more experience with the canopy. All of us had built the thing. I did not have any more experience leading people. If anything I had the least. I was just the one who had the guts to grab the reins. I was the one who made sure the job got done.
It was at that moment that I discovered that I was, as some people call it, a natural born leader.

archi92

In my opinion, the essay doesn't just get to the point - until the last part of the essay. Don't lead your readers like "This becomes very significant later on. " or "After I said that was when my epiphany began to grow."

Maybe some people like suspense, but many others don't. The admission officers has a huge sum amount of essays to read everyday and you are pretty much dragging them along with too much details.

"The camping trip in a whole is not the important part, although it was a lot of fun, but rather a single moment of a single night." What do you mean by this? Would it be way better if you just cut it out and just get straight to the point?

ps. epiphanies do not grow, they are sudden manifestations