Welcome to College Confidential!

The leading college-bound community on the web

Sign Up For Free

Join for FREE, and start talking with other members, weighing in on community polls, and more.

Also, by registering and logging in you'll see fewer ads and pesky welcome messages (like this one!)

As a CC member, you can:

Roommate Issue with Boyfriend

SallyNYUSallyNYU Posts: 144Registered User Junior Member
edited September 2010 in College Life
Most people on CC complain of their roommates boyfriends never leaving... but my situation is actually very differernt from the average complaint.

Okay, a month ago I moved from Florida to New York for an advanced standing Graduate school program at NYU (its 2 years of school crammed into 1 year!). I am female and I have a serious boyfriend who is living in Florida (we didnt see a point in him quitting his good job and moving with me since I graduate in 8 months, so we are doing the long distance thing). I share a large studio with a female roommate who is a virgin, very introverted, softspoken, nieve and shy (I also believe she might have a mental disorder but I have never asked). Anyways, during the 8 month time I will be in school I want my boyfriend to visit ONCE for a week during Thanksgiving. The rest of the time I will be traveling to visit my boyfriend in Florida. I told my roommate yesterday that I want my boyfriend to visit for a week and he will not be visiting anymore during my time here and I could tell she was upset/uncomfortable by it. She explained she is uncomfortable around any other males than HER family. She also will be gone 4 out of 7 days my boyfriend will be visiting, so she will actually only see him 3 days (obviously we will out exploring NY during the day so my roommate will only see us to sleep). Getting a hotel in NY for 3 nights is not an option because it is VERY expensive and most are already booked up for thanksgiving week (I also pay $1400 per month for my half of the dorm and feel I deserve to have a guest ONCE!)

I am very frustrated by this because we are not 12 anymore... we are both 23 years old! The policy of our dorm is also that each roommate is allowed to have guests whenever they would like and it is recommended no more than 6-7 nights per month. I spoke with my RA who said I have every right to have an overnight guest if I want.

Am I being rude? Or is my roommate just wierd?
Post edited by SallyNYU on
«13456710

Replies to: Roommate Issue with Boyfriend

  • MushaboomBlueMushaboomBlue Posts: 1,715Registered User Senior Member
    No, you're not being rude. You simply informed her ahead of time - way ahead of time (which I wish my roommate did last semester when she decided to bring her "friend" over for a week; which was against my school's policy -_-)

    I would tell her what you told us here. Explain to her how getting a hotel would be expensive in New York and that most of the day you guys will be in New York anyway so it isn't like she is going to see you or your boyfriend much. Maybe she thinks you guys will be getting intimate around her. Reassure her about this.

    I know it wouldn't be fair for her to restrict when you guys become intimate, but perhaps you should make a compromise where you will only do this during the 4 out of 7 days that she is not there (I mean, don't tell her that you guys will be having sex during those 4 days that she is gone, hahaha, but just tell her that you guys won't be getting intimate -- don't add the "when she's is there" part). I guess this wouldn't be a problem if you guys aren't sleeping in the same room, but if you and your roommate does, out of kindness, I wouldn't engage in sex with your boyfriend.
  • chuychuy Posts: 3,911Registered User Senior Member
    Do you two (you and your roommate) share a bedroom? If not it is absolutely none of her business. If you do then yeah, having some dude there for a week is actually pretty annoying and she has a right to be a little miffed. But tell her to get over it either way.
  • SallyNYUSallyNYU Posts: 144Registered User Junior Member
    @ Chuy,

    Yeah, we share a large studio. Our beds are on opposite sides of the room. I understand your side of the discussion, which is why I brought this up on CC. I appreciate your honestly. My roommate also will be gone 4 out of 7 days my boyfriend will be there... so she only has to see him for 3 days (we have things planning that will keep us busy all day, so we wont be in the dorm).
  • Emaheevul07Emaheevul07 Posts: 5,924Registered User Senior Member
    Maybe this varies regionally, but around here to my knowledge studio implies one big room with a separate bathroom and that's it. Whichcase yeah, I'd be annoyed. I am in a serious relationship myself and I find it creepy to be sleeping with some other man in the room, particularly one I don't even know. My fiance would not appreciate me being in that situation, either. If it were one night under these particular circumstances I might be able to deal with it if my fiance were comfortable with it or find someplace else to sleep if I had a friend I could stay with or something, but I wouldn't want to deal with that for three days.
  • chuychuy Posts: 3,911Registered User Senior Member
    I've heard of studios, just wasn't really sure what they were. Apparently I live in one now! Sort of anyway.

    But yeah, that can be a big deal for some people. When I was dating girls that had roommates in the same room I wouldn't sleep over if their roommates were there, whether they were cool with it or not. It's different for you since you're in a long distance relationship, so follow my original advice and (tactfully) tell her to get over it. Whatever you do don't do what 90% of women normally do and just not bring it up again and let it fester, because then there's gonna be a BIG scene whenever she gets back from break and he's there.
  • nysmilenysmile Posts: 5,850Registered User Senior Member
    You're not being unreasonable. However, I can also understand how someone who is rather sheltered would feel a little weird about it because you're sharing one room.

    Have you ever seen these cable systems where you can string a cable from one end of the room to another and string up a curtain on it? When one of you wants a little privacy, just draw the curtains. It's not perfect but at least it gives you a feeling of privacy.

    Cable Systems | PBteen
  • Johnson181Johnson181 Posts: 4,131Registered User Senior Member
    If you are actually sharing a room, yes, you are being completely unreasonable.
    Your roommate has a right to be uncomfortable with a guy in the same physical room as her. She does not know this guy.

    So what if it's 3 days? Personally, I would say 'absolutely not' if I was your roommate, no matter how early in advance you told her.
    Are you expecting her to get out for the three nights your boyfriend will be there? She most certainly does not have to share a room with a guy she does not know (and it's essentially that, if you have a studio).

    This is why I love living in a single room- whenever I want, my boyfriend can stay over without making my apartmentmates feel uncomfortable.

    I will say, however, that nysmile brings up a good idea with the cable system.
  • AudreyHAudreyH Posts: 718Registered User Member
    Is it possible for your boyfriend to stay with you for those four days only? I mean, I know this cuts out three good days of quality time but at some point, you don't want to inconvenience your roommate. And if she has a mental problem...you may not want to aggravate her. (I say that because the same thing happened to my friend. She had a extremely introverted roommate, and when she let another friend stay over for just one night when that friend had locked herself out of her room, the roommate went berserk!)
  • 3togo3togo Posts: 5,184Registered User Senior Member
    edited September 2010
    I think both of you are being reasonable ... it's a shared space and you both have different attitudes about this issue. Is your roommate more uncomfortable because you'll be sharing a bed or because he will be in the apartment at all? Would a compromise that he sleeps on the floor while she'e there work for both of you?
  • Wildwood11Wildwood11 Posts: 831Registered User Member
    Could you find a friend who would put him up for the three nights? I would respect her feelings and try to find a solution that doesn't cost you too much. You can try talking to her again, offering to have him sleep on a futon and other compromises, but ultimately you should yield to her decision in this situation.
  • NorthstarmomNorthstarmom Posts: 24,853Registered User Senior Member
    I think your roommate has every right to say "no" to your boyfriend's sharing the apartment during that week. Some people just aren't comfortable with sharing space with a person of the opposite sex, and that's her right.

    Yes, she's more conservative than most people are, but that, too, is her right. She signed on to room with you, not you and your boyfriend at any time.

    See if you can find a friend who'll let you use their apartment during the break. That may be possible as many people will be leaving town for the holidays and may appreciate a house sitter. Another option would be for you and your boyfriend to go to some place where you can afford hotel costs. There probably are places you can go that are an inexpensive train or bus ride from NYC.

    Another option would be for you to go to Florida to see him, and for him to come to NYC at another time such as when you have a different roommate or can afford hotels.
  • DCHurricaneDCHurricane Posts: 2,976- Senior Member
    ^^It's also her right to have a guest over, according to her RA.
  • NorthstarmomNorthstarmom Posts: 24,853Registered User Senior Member
    "I am very frustrated by this because we are not 12 anymore... we are both 23 years old! The policy of our dorm is also that each roommate is allowed to have guests whenever they would like and it is recommended no more than 6-7 nights per month. I spoke with my RA who said I have every right to have an overnight guest if I want."


    Perhaps you can find a more compatible roommate.

    It's not clear to me that one is able to have overnight guests whenever they want. I notice that this is in the policies at NYU.

    "A resident is permitted to have a short-term guest (one whose stay is for a few hours, but not overnight) at any time, provided that there is no interference with the rights of a roommate."....

    Overnight guests are subject to the same procedures and conditions for short-term guests as outlined above. In addition, the following procedures and conditions apply to overnight guests:..."

    http://www.nyu.edu/life/living-at-nyu/on-campus-living/get-to-know-yourhome/guest-policies.html

    Seems that if your roommate were to say that psychological, cultural, or religious reasons prevented her spending the night in the same room as an unrelated man, those might be considered reason enough for you not to be able to have overnight male guests while she was there.

    Would it be possible to arrange furniture so as to make your studio basically 2 separate bedrooms? That might be a way that your roommate would be comfortable with your boyfriend's staying there.

    I actually think there probably are many women who would not be comfortable with sharing their room overnight with an unrelated male. While such practices are common in many places and campuses, there also are places where this simply wouldn't be done. For instance, the public college in my city doesn't allow opposite sex sleepovers in their dorms.
  • SallyNYUSallyNYU Posts: 144Registered User Junior Member
    @ Northstarmom,

    I am a graduate student and live in graduate student housing, which is owned by NYU but does not have the restrictions that undergraduate housing does. We do not have rules related to overnight guests... but instead the RA's (which are actually just clerical staff, not a stereotypical RA - address maint., mail, ect.) recommend limiting guests to 6-7 nights per Month to avoid issues. NYU views graduate student housing as individual leasers and not a student dorm. Unfortunatly, I cannot find a new roommate at this time. I wish, as that would make things so much easier.
  • chuychuy Posts: 3,911Registered User Senior Member
    Now hold on. You all are adults, and if she is majorly uncomfortable with your boyfriend staying over that is her problem. I just said I thought it was awkward, but not "you shouldn't do it" awkward. You should try to accommodate her if possible, but if it comes down to it you'll have to tell her, tactfully but firmly, that he IS staying over for those nights. If she has such an issue with it that she can't handle it then, again, it is her problem since you have every right to have an overnight guest and she can find herself somewhere else to stay.
«13456710
This discussion has been closed.